The View from the Blanket II

[bustingout]

Hello my dear friends. ((((((( )))))))

labug, Inside, GTO, Tori thank you for your continued support and love.

I took a few days to let myself absorb.

I agree that when I take care of myself I feel better...I have for three weeks now engaged in a new exercise program that has me really feeling good...and it may, just may...be starting to work (i think my pants are a little more comfortable now lol). I have been getting to bed earlier (thanks bug)

I also have been imagining H as a ghost (thanks Ruby). He enters my mind and i actively make the image go 'poof' in a spark of smoke. Not because I am denying he exists, but accepting that the ghost of H is my old H and is no longer the man he is today.

Just like I am no longer the woman/wife I was then either.

I had a session with my coach last week and it was so useful once again. And I will strive to continue implementing his advice.

There have been a couple of choices I have been struggling with and I think I have come to conclusion. I will not impede Hs R with the kids. So, I will continue informing him about what is going on in their lives even if it means I have to initiate contact. I struggle with this sometimes because I get angry at times when things happen and he is not here to see/support, etc.

For example, this weekend my D sprained her arm. I hesitated telling him right away. Then I thought, how is that fair to her? This is an already unfair situation for the kids, who am I to make it worse (which could be so easy to do when I let my ego get in the way).

Today, my son had a golf test to move to the next level. I recorded it 'play by play' and sent it to H. It meant when H called today he could share it with S and that made S happy ('you saw it daddy???').

So ok I can do that. It will be a challenge I know.

I have had a few conversations with the kids that I felt H should know about. I mentioned today when he called the kids that perhaps we could chat about it later this evening after the kids slept. He said he would call. He has not (and I don't think he will). Old me would have pestered him. And while I do truly believe this is something that should be shared with him as their father, it is his choice not to find out. And I will leave it at that.

He needs to decide what kind of father he wants to be. I will not be the reason why he has a poor relationship with his kids.

And I will be the rock they need because of his choices.

I am done feeling weak. I feel like a shift has happened within me.

This weekend for the first time in about a year or so I read a book just for my enjoyment. Not a self-help book. It was bliss. I also watched a movie from start to finish. Without the laptop open. I just watched it. And enjoyed it.

As you know, where I live is H's country. I have no family here except for his (his extended family..his immediate family..his brother and sister live in other countries...and I am close to both of them...Hs mother and father have both passed). The extended family, for whatever reason has not contacted me since this began. I have seen them at various functions over the years and it is friendly, etc...but no actual contact.

I don't want my kids to be isolated from their family here. H has done nothing in terms of maintianing these relationships for the kids despite me asking for it.

So the other day I contacted my (Hs actually) cousin and reached out. Invited him and his children and two other cousins and their children to my house next weekend for lunch and a swim. I am nervous but excited too. This is my children's family, and I want them to be a part of it. It is their birthright.

I also have decided to host a birthday party for my BFF next weekend.

I have not hosted a party since before H left the house. OMG. But I am going to do this. I used to be so embarrassed of what happened to my M, I avoided people. I sent out the invite though as just me. You are invited to MY house. AHHHHHHH!

When H called the kids today I almost blurted out to him these two developments. But then I realized its none of his business. This is MY life. He is not privy to this part of me. Just the mother part of me.

I also struggled with wanting to tell H that when he comes back (God knows when), that he will no longer be allowed to come to the house everyday. This has actually not been advised to me. It was my ego and pride thinking this. Yet, how would that support my kids? So I will continue with the way things are when he is in town (with a couple of tweaks like at least telling us when he is coming on the weekend so we are not waiting around half of the day). I can always change that in the future when the time comes ( i guess when the official D happens).

I want to be a warm, loving and giving person. That is who I want to be and who I will strive to be. I want to live in the light.

As you know H went to Dubai three weeks ago for another new work opportunity. Last week I received an email from him saying he was going to Canada (WTF) for work. When he called the next day (for the kids) he said it was an 'amazing investment opportunity he could not pass up' and he would tell me more when I see him. Hopefully its what he is seeking and not another cheesless tunnel for him. He is back in Dubai now again.

I am turning H over to God.

It hurts less. My love is not less (if not its more strangely enough), but the hurt is less. I can see some light. I feel something like a backbone forming, something like courage developing.

How long will this last? I don't know...

I do see how I want to be this person always....and even better as time goes on.