Less lonely, not scared..low on patience

[JBolt]

Thanks TVS, I do still love her with all my heart. We would have been a couple for 26 years come this May.

I cried like a baby as I filled out each line in those forms, I'm tearing up now just thinking about it. Despite all the hurtful words and actions since Oct., I do believe she is having a mental and emotional crisis, she is sick. I felt like a heel listening to her pain last night after I filled out the divorce docs. I will reassess my feelings in May as you suggest, but unless there is some sign in Oct (1 year from BD) that our M is salvageable, I'm done. Later, if the fog lifts and she wants to reconnect and I'm willing and haven't met someone else, we can try again. She and I both know she is not going to find a better husband.

I will see her in a few hours at D10's soccer game, should be interesting. The kids and are going bowling this afternoon, I invited W last week, I wonder if she will still go or even remember. No expectations.

I've lost 43 lbs in the last 4 months, my blood pressure, cholesterol, triglycerides, etc. are all normal or better; last year they were all bad. I quit smoking about a week ago. I went from smoking 1-2 cigs a day before BD to half a pack a day. The doc said there is an anti-smoking effect in the Wellbutrin, so I guess it kicked in at the same time I decided I had had enough.

Thinking back, W hated that I smoked, even as little as I did. I quit several times over the years, but i would get stressed and pick it up again. I would try to hide it, washed my hands frequently, rush to the bathroom to brush my teeth or mouthwash, avoid kissing her if I had just had one. I think it was a brick in the wall. Over Xmas,I was 2.5 months past trying to hide it and stepped out for a smoke. In my absence, my mom said she wished I would quit (both of my parents went cold turkey 20 years ago!). My D10 said to her that daddy was under a lot of stress right now, but it will get better soon and he will quit. You can imagine how I cried when my mom told me later. Well, it's time to quit for me and my girls. I'm tired of it coming between me and my loved ones.
J.