You know, JP, there is nothing inherently wrong with you? The emotions you feel, the grief you are going through is very normal. I don't know why it is we all have such trouble just sitting there and being with those emotions. It may feel like it, but they aren't going to kill us. We are not in mortal danger.
Why distract yourself from your fears? Why not explore them? Why not look at your fears and explore the worst case scenario? Why not sit there in your despair and face that? Why not explore the feelings of self-loathing and figure out where that is coming from? I mean in that I have learned that I need validation from my H in order to feel worthy. That's a problem I need to work on. Not my H.
If I tell you to go sit in a corner and tell you not to think about a white elephant and not to return until you stopped thinking about a white elephant, I'd never see you again! The idea is not to ignore your feelings, not to ignore your grief, not to ignore your fears but to face all of it. We've been sold a bill of goods in life that we are to be happy no matter what. That just isn't true! And it's ok to break down. It's what we do with it that matters. So go to the gym. And if your W creeps up in your mind? Well, that's ok! But go to the gym anyway. You do that for you.
Stop fighting your emotions so hard. The more you fight them, the more fierce you will feel them. And definitely stop thinking there is something wrong with you for how you feel. Be gentle with yourself.
Two books I would recommend are: Self-Compassion and Broken Open.
The idea in these books is that we aren't to ignore or subjugate our "bad" emotions but to work with them. They tell poignant stories of the gifts we get during these awful times if only we will face it and not fight it. I would also recommend you looking up the concept of Phoenix Process on the internet.
