Today at work someone said " this is my 3rd Valentine's Day WITHOUT SOMEONE AND I HATE IT!!'.
I replied " This is my second Valentine's Day without someone AND IM HAPPY!!'
Another co worker came by and said " I heard you Kim... and gave me a big thumbs up".
And then on the way home I thought about it! I am happy being single! I didn't once get all upset about being "alone" on Valentines Day today. I was thrilled to come home to my girls and pick out little gifts for them today. And as a gift to myself I bought a miniature rose bush that I can keep for years!
Lately I still am saddened at the sudden personality change in XH. I think when it really comes down to it, after all is said and done, Im horribly disappointed in XH for quitting us and walking out. No effort, nothing, just wimping out and quitting. Im more hurt by that then the fact the divorce happened.
Yet I realized something, and I have a different perception about things now.
I feel like Im the one moving on, but it's XH that's actually staying the same and stuck in many ways. He hasn't changed at all, the only thing he's changed is his partners. I feel like I really moving forward. Im doing well in my job, and can't wait to further my education. My friendships grow closer at work daily, and I feel like I have a new family now with all the people I work with.
Yet XH still takes 4 day weekends to sit infront of the computer with a friend to game non stop, complains he's overweight and is frustrated he can't get ahead in life career wise.
Im happy for people that are finding new romances or are celebrating anniversaries, not sad and depressed anymore. Im doing bible study with a friend and can study and nurture my spiritual side now without ridicule or snyde remarks from XH.
XH and I have sped up the communication a bit. I initiated some ideas in visits with the girls because Im needing some help and the girls are needed some 1 on 1 time with each of us. Funny... when I need help with kids or even the few times I've asked for help with things not kid related XH seems to jump up to the task.
It makes me think that XH needs to be needed. And independent me, has always appeared that I DON'T NEED ANYONE. As being an independent person all my life, I confess I do need help. I need people. But perhaps where Xh and I butt heads is the type of needs I crave. I crave emotional intimacy and partnership. But when you have an emotionally unavailable husband, well that boat will sink. And it did.
I don't understand how some people feel a bond by doing superficial things or just actions. As I look back over our 21 years together, XH showered me with gifts, money, sex, but he rarely, if ever truly shared his real self with me. And that's all I really wanted.
The real him.
I guess maybe that's why it's been hard for me to move on because a part of me has just held on to this glimmer of hope that he'd just decide to open up and be real with me.
At any rate I still surrender to God. So far since I've done that things seem to just be going so much smoother for me.
I've read through the restored marriages threa a little bit. Not knowing these people from start to finish makes it hard to understand all the details.
But from what Im gathering so far, it seems that the MLCers that come back are perhaps the ones that don't have a severe crisis.
Is this somewhat the truth? Does anyone here know of any MLCers that have been in severe MLC, that were very mean, cruel, acting bi polar, BPD, you name it, and actually made it back for peaceful reconcilliation?
Are there any reconcilliations that have happened in the last 2 years? These are all from 8-10 years ago.
A large majority of people who post on the forums had spouses that were in full blown mlc.
Many do not return here to post once they have begun to reconcile. Reconciling takes a lot of work once the mlcer has begun to re-enter earth.
Did you check out AliSuddenly's threads? I believe she's piecing now. Jack and Three Beans has successfully reconciled as well.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My life seems to be going along well, but not without worries, concerns or things that life brings that must be dealt with.
Now My aunt is having a crisis that Im trying to be supportive with and I surely hope she'll accept what I have to say. But I must admit that All I've learned here about DBing has brought me to a place in how I handle all my relationships!
My Aunt and Uncle are in a very bad predicament. Long story short, two workaholics gone hoarders in poor health have hit the wall. My uncle has completely succombed to COPD and can't move back into the house from his weeklong hospital stay due to the house being so horrible. They're more concerned about people that deliver his Oxygen and reporting them, then makinng their house liveable again. Im encouraging my aunt to hire Steri-Clean ( I think it's called)a company that specializes in hoarding messes.
On the other hand, I finally have reached the point where I literally am not feeling hardly anything when I think of XH. I think when a person has almost come full circle when being an LBS you start to flip flop alot, just before you finally get there.
XH once again acted as if he wanted to be involved in parenting again. As usual once the conversation about the kids became more involved about the girls.... down the rabbit hole he went. I've been annoyed but not suprised. XH did this about all sorts of things for years anyway. He can only express so much emotional availability and then he disappears. Theory is people do that out of fear. XH told me he did that out of fear of rejection. Perhaps he shuts down due to guilt when we discuss the girls beyond pick up/drop off, what day they stay with him, etc.
Whatever, I don't care anymore.
You know I do need certain things from him in a parenting relationship in order to make it a good one. Even those things don't appear available. I still feel resentful that he seems to jump in and out of parenting per his whim. I know he's not at all aware of how it looks to me or how it affects me. Nor does he care. Yet I question if I should even bother being truthful with him. It seems whenever Im honest in the most kind way, he always shuts down. Then I give up.
Yet I suprise myself that when I hear about the OW driving his vehicle today I just temporarily go insane with jealousy for a minute. I become judgemental, and critical of their life together. It's like this mini mental seizure I have!
But I calm down and stop to think that Im only doing that cause Im taking stuff personally. I've heard about OW and I feel sorry for her. I don't think XH is treating her nicely, but it sure doesn't sound like she treats him nice either. I thinl The Affair Fog has lifted and perhaps the realization that the grass is only greener because it's been fertilized by BullSh!t may be ringing a bell.
I'm very sorry to hear about your aunt and uncle. Are they both hoarders? It's going to be tough to get them to clean up and get rid of things. I do hope that hey realize that your uncle can't live in that environment and that will encourage a clean up.
You've come a long way and life is an open book for you now. I do hope that you and the girls have some fun plans for spring break.
Sounds like the fog is lifting and things are not how they thought they should be. Oh, well..his loss.
Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Im here because Im having alot of mixed feelings and I just need to talk about it.
This morning as I was going to get into the car to warm it up before taking the kids to school, I had this thought. " Wouldn't that be odd if XH pulled up?"
I get into the van, start it up, look into the rearview mirror to try and make sure im presentable, and who pulls up behind me?
Yep XH!
I went out to his window and said " Did we get our schedules mixed up?" of course being friendly and my usual perkiness.
XH smiles at me and said " Ya I came over because your schedule was different last week and I didn't know if it would be that way this week." Just as sweet as he can be.
I told him I was sorry I didn't tell me but it was back to normal and that I was back to my regular schedule. He was hal asleep with his hair all askew and said " Oh ok well I didn't know so I figured I'd find out".
Apparently he was so out of it he didn't realize he could've called and found out without having to get out of bed.
It was a very pleasant exchange. Yet it still feels SO WEIRD to talk to him. It's been 4 months since our last personal exchange.
Im frustrated over the mixed emotions.
Does it ever go away?
Does it ever get to the point that they're just some friendly aquaintence that you share kids with, like a friend or something?
It must depend on how far a person has come with their healing. I guess.
I find its akward, or odd. I feel like Im doing so well, but then one interaction with him makes me feel off kilter. I know I feel very safe when he's not around me, but when interaction comes it's just a reminder of how hurt I was. Even in my steps through healing and coming so far, Im amazed at just how traumatized i was by what he did and how he treated me.
I think i disassociated and put blinders on to some extent to just survive it and keep everything going for my girls.
Hmmmm. It may take another 1 - 2 years for me to actually feel comfortable around him and not have it put me in a weird feeling.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!! 