Served

[dorightman]

Journal.......Things have been more civil since I rented the apt. I haven't moved in yet, but I guess in my w eyes, just making that move has allowed her to feel that I've listened to her and respected her.

In the last month her best friend admitted to her husband that she wasn't in love with him and she told him she had an affair with another man. He admitted himself into a mental hospital for a week and went on alot of mind drugs, He came out a week later and they started intensive therapy together and separate, He then moved out temporarily for a month and stated a blog, He shared the blog with my w and she shared it with me, He took full responsibility for her affair and highlighted all his shortcomings that led to it. She then told me how awesome it was that he was doing all the right things and how she wished I would have done the same. She told me that I should have gone on antidepressants like him.I told her I was sorry for the way I acted.

Tomorrow she is taking our daughter to a play with her family and she didn't buy a ticket for me because at the time she bought the tickets we where fighting and she didn't want our sitch to get in the way of our daughters birthday. I told her I understood.

I know I shouldn't have acted the way I did the past 6 months. I was in alot of pain emotionally and I couldn't control myself. I'am still crying, just not around w anymore.

I know I need to look at myself in all of this, but I can't stop myself from thinking that in my sitch and her friends husbands sitch, neither of us were dancing alone. It seems unfair to me that my w and her friend get to blame all the problems on the men. I feel like both my w and her friend are not taking responsibility for their part in all of this. To me it seems like in a marriage, both people need to take responsibility for the breakdown. I have a problem believing that in my case its all my fault and also in his case the same. It doesn't feel right to me to just be the one to blame. This is something I need to resolve asap.

Is it my ego thats messing with me, or do I have a legitimate point here? Do I have to always suck it up if I want to have a good marriage? I know I need to work on my anger, my damaged inner child, my ability to deal with financial pressure, my belief in my own ability to grow and do better. I feel overwhelmed sometimes and just want to live without the stress of all this. I just want to be loved for who I'am now, I don't want to feel like I'm not good enough, or that I need to change into something or someone I'm not. I know I'm a good man, I never cheated and I value family and commitment. I know emotionally I need to grow and I think I'am growing through all of this. I just wish my w would stop critiquing me and only spotlighting my deficiencies in her eyes. I wish she could see the good in me. I believe we need to love the good and the bad in ourselves and the ones we love. We are all human and we are all flawed. I'am trying to grow. I'am working on myself. I'am a good father to my kids, I'am working hard to make money to support my family. I'am supporting my w the best I can, even though she is not acting like my w anymore.