25yearsmlc

[25yearsmlc]

So tonight d23 and h had a spiff. It was a short lived "fight" about something stupid but though h had a point originally, he blew it by escalating. D23 is the most sensitive of the kids and she went to her room. Our son then left the kitchen too and this was within 30 min of h's arrival home.

My question for h was, "how do you want the rest of the evening to go?" And then "what are you going to do to help that happen?"

He & I role modelled a bit before he approached her room (how it made him FEEL when she disagreed, not why she was wrong, etc. AND I suggested they do this in private, NOT with s25 as audience member/playing big brother defender...

and 20 min later all was calmer. NOT "all better", but better. Evening turned out reasonably good.

The kids and I will meet with a facilitator T Monday am without h. I hope we can lay some groundwork. Get to know/trust the T (I do but the kids don't know him from Adam)

When the kids understand that no one, least of all ME, expects 1- 2 sessions to hash all things out, make us the Waltons, but that these are merely to give us a framework for further discussion AND conflict resolution, with boundaries we all buy into, I hope/believe they'll be more open.

I fear a pile on for h -the kids are not fully aware of his experiences overseas either. They avoid asking. Why? Good question. Probably resentment of his time away from THEM. But ironically it's s25 who SEEMS to resent the time away the most. IRonic b/c h was there for Son's high school years. H missed half d23's high school and is NOW about to miss half of d15s though he works a few hours away, not a hemisphere...

Maybe s25 feels guilt about that (I know he feels some b/c he said that) and so now it seems s25 almost denies ANY good times with h. That's BS. They were very close for years...in time I hope s25 recalls that better and more clearly.

As for the combat issues or injuries h treated while deployed, the things he wa, He may not share that with them anyhow.

Some of it need NOT be shared btw. The tortured children and sex slaves who have "pelvic inflammatory disease" as children, isn't something they must know, is it?
I think HIS processing that part is HIS to own and share when he is ready, I hope we'll all help him out. I can only say I know I Will.

my son said, "Mom, what's this T about? What's in it for US? WE don't care about what HE wants or WHY he's gone anymore..."

which i know is not true or S25 would not comment to me so often. Even if it were true, he cares about his sisters and me.

I just want to pass on SOME conflict resolution skills and PRAY to plant the seeds of forgiveness...and yes that will include H's need to apologize. That and the framework for learning conflict resolution skills which allow all to express their feelings in a safe place (no escalation and no grudges later, for instance) is the other key goal. I feel like a 3rd party to start us off with, is a good idea.
THOUGHTS?

I know Timing matters. H, A guy who just saw some gross things in an Afghan/Kuwaiti hospital might not feel like hearing about his past failures as a h/father, that in his eyes, happened years ago.

But I also have to hope he stops repeating behaviors (being gone for Army duty) which THEY see as more of the same (MLC almost, and it's not). To THEM it's not "long ago". To them it's "dad's gone AGAIN."

B/C d15 is still young and they could still all grow towards each other.

I wasn't crazy about my oldest brother as a teenager, but we're closer now.

And I became much closer to my alcoholic dad after he got sober, when I was 29. I truly did forgive him.

Too bad he died 3 years later....still glad for those 3 years, and the good years when I was a little girl and moments along the way b/c not all was shame and anger...
SO I know that it's never really too late...right?

anyhow, thought I'd give that update.