Less lonely, not scared..low on patience

[JBolt]

Captains log...
Last night my D15 was at my apartment and trying to register online for classes. It was the last day to do so and I was a little puzzled because W said she would help D take care of this while she had the kids earlier in the week (W is very familiar with the online system). D was kind of freaking out and having a hard time with it. I asked if she had called her mom for help and she said she had called a couple of times and W never answered. I took a look and walked her through it best I could, it wasn't actually all that hard.

I'm ashamed to say that when D said she couldn't get in touch with W on her home phone or cell, my mind started dreaming up scenarios. It's stupid, but I read so much on hear about MLCers having affairs and such, I'm kind of waiting for this to happen! I put half of this years tax return in our joint account and I wanted to let her know so I called. I haven't seen her all week or received any communication of any kind since last Saturday.

Anyway, I said Hi and she said hi. She sounded real down, had obviously been crying when I called and sounded very tired. I asked if she was feeling okay. She said she was not, that she was feeling pretty bad. I asked her if she was sick? She said no, she feels like life has given her a real beat down. She then asked quickly what about you, I said I was okay and things were looking good. She said she was glad to hear that.

She noticed the money had been transferred and assumed it was from my checking account. She had recently intimated that she might need some extra money this month, but I had no intention of giving it to her and told her so when she asked a week ago, she just heard what she wanted. She thanked me for putting the money in the account, she really needed it now and she said it was very generous. I told her it was her half of the tax return. If she thought I could give her that amount of money from my own account, she is crazy. I hadn't planned on giving anymore than I do now, which is enough to pay the house note and some utilities.

She then asked if D15 signed up for her classes. I said yes, we got it done. I politely said you were going to help her with this, what happened? She said D refused to take a certain AP course and it pissed W off. W said she was mad, pouted off to her room and decided she wasn't going to help D register! She said she acted like a brat. I was pretty surprised (not that I should be anymore), those kids are priority one with her. She sounded kind of embarrassed and apologized for putting it on me. I said no problem, it was actually kind of easy. I said, well that was it, I'll see you later.

The night before I had dreamed of her out at a bar, or with some OM. She is pretty cordial on Saturday for D10s soccer game, but cold and non-communicative during the week. I have not been calling her either.

This is the most difficult and painful thing I have every experienced. Nearly 5 months into this, I'm slowly getting my bearings. I go long periods of time now not thinking about her, the sitch, what went wrong, etc. I'm focused on the kids and having as much fun as I can. I'm also seriously wondering if she will ever be whole again and if she is, will she be so different that I can't accept it. The trust issue alone and all he hurtful things she has said (I know, I know; don't believe anything you hear and half of what you see) are enough to make me balk if she doesn't show true contrition and remorse for doing this to the kids and I. I downloaded and filed out all the paperwork for divorce this week. I was curious how difficult it would be and it was kind of empowering. I can truly get off this roller coaster any time I want. I'm going to give it a little longer, perhaps till the end of May. If things are where they are at now at that time, I think it will be time to end our marriage. Not exactly good DBing, but I have my limits and frankly, she done a very good job of driving me away.
J.