Less lonely, not scared..low on patience

[Negril72]

reachingHigher.....

thank you for your positive story... I am so early in my journey with my W and her MLC.... that I am often want to give up.. feels so helpless that I can't even breath some days... and to know it takes years is even harder to imagine... but like most on here.. before this monster came and took my W .... she was one of the best women in the world and would have done anything for me. So now it's my turn to do anything for her. So so hard to let go and watch her with the OM. but he is so much a loser that I just feel bad for her. I am detaching the best I can right now and have been dark for almost 4 weeks now... and plan on staying that way for as long as it takes.

this little movie clip sums up where I am at right now.... I need to get thru this... and with positive stories like yours I know I can...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=tu-QjTNtDz8

[JBolt]

Thanks everyone, really. It is somehow comforting and eerie that others have and are going through such similar experiences. One that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, not that I have any of those

I understand now when they say the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. So painful, I would almost rather she hated me. The truth is, I only hear the spew when our conversations turn to OR (her doing) or what ever version of our R she is fashioning to justify the extreme anger she has for me. Otherwise, she is quite friendly, if very skittish and sad looking, around me.

It's funny how in the last five weeks she's gone from telling everyone she was happy!!! all the time, now to not so much. The last couple of times I've seen her or we talked on the phone about something having to do with the kids, she makes it a point to say "I've been better", or "I'm okay...I guess", the happy!!! seems to have faded for now, at least with me. Sometimes I wonder if she is worried about me and acting a little down, but it's been like this for a while. I imagine she is lonely as she's driven her best friend away and said recently her other good friend doesn't seem to get her now at all. Duh. I don't want her to be unhappy.

I'm getting to the point where I don't want her back above all else. I'm worried about her and I want her to find herself again, be happy again, reconnect with family and friends again, without me if necessary. Without me is not how I want it, not now anyway, but she has a LOT of work to do. Stuff she's avoided for 25 years, and I can do nothing to help.

Alright, enough sad sacking, more GAL. I just got back from bowling with the kids. D15 is getting really good and enjoys it. I joined a Tues. night league and decided I need my own ball dang it! I'm waiting for them to finish drilling holes right now. And Rocky Horror tomorrow night!

[JBolt]

I almost posted this on PeteP's thread, but I'm going to try and keep the long-winded stuff in my threads. You may wonder what I have posted that wasn't a novelett. Oh well.

The children know. I talked to my W's cousin's husband over xmas. We are the same age. Everyone goes to her grandparents house on xmas day. When he heard that W was not with us, concerned he asked if she was sick ( as everyone asked that day). He looked in my eyes and before I could answer, he said lets go for a walk.

The first thing he asked was how long has she been gone, emotionally? I could hardly believe he knew exactly what I was going through. I didn't know about MLC then, but he did. His W, my W's cousin had given him the ILYB about a little over a year before. He asked her leave the family home immediately, that day. She didn't say anything about kids, D18, S15, and just left. She was gone 8 months, barely kept in touch with the kids and he essentially LRT her the entire time, without knowing anything about DB. I wish I had as much self respect and confidence at BD. 8 months later she showed up at the house.. Things were still pretty rough. I had no idea and was stunned.

The main point he wanted to stress was that the kids will remember. They will know without having to be told a thing. D18, now 19 had since moved out. He said she rarely talks to W and called him a d@mn fool for taking her back. S15 was a bit more cordial, but is obviously very mad at his mother. He said take the best care you can of those girls. Make sure they know they can depend on Dad and talk about anything with you. He said they know and hopefully can forgive someday.

I learned that day I was not alone and he focused me on what was most important at a time when I was truly lost and wallowing in my own self pity. I will be forever thankful to him for taking me aside that day, just as I will be always thankful to my friends on this forum.

My kids do know. Both are perfectly aware and have said to me that their mother is not the same. I have no idea how this is going to play out, but my sincere wish is that W's fog will lift some day and she will have the clarity to see what she has done. I hope that she will find the courage to face the guilt and swallow her pride and sincerely apologize. Not out of spite or a need for some kind of justice, but so the kids and I can take some solace in the knowledge that the woman we love the most is in there somewhere and might be truly happy someday.

Also, I got my bowling ball! the girls think it's awesome. I only wish my bowling skills lived up to the ball
J.

[Mtnman]

Congratulations on the bowling ball. Sometimes you have to look the part a long time before you can back it up. Keep practicing.

My boys are young compared to yours but they drop hints that they know the score here too. The youngest came and got in bed with me last Saturday and Sunday mornings around 5. One day this week he told me he did it because he knew I missed mommy. The oldest had me come get him at her place one night after about 30 mins. He told me he was home sick. He has stayed overnight lots of times and never been home sick. It appears they are both trying to protect me, so I've tried to act stronger in front of them just in case.

The last thing they do is tease their mother about her being on her cell phone. When she excuses herself to make a call or sits with us all but isn't truly there (texting), they call her on it. Last night when she went to the bedroom to make a call they both started telling her good night. This was at 6:30. I had to make them stop because she was getting angry.

Your cousin in law is right; you don't have to tell them a thing. Kids pick up on body language and actions more than we know. The mlcer thinks we turn their kids/family/friends against them, but actions speak louder than words.

[JBolt]

Thanks MM, my cousin in law told me to call him at at anytime I needed to talk to someone who's been there. He also said things are probably going to get worse before they get better (I believe he caught his W with OM at one point), and when your sitting there with a pistol, call me. I assured him I would never do that to myself, but I understand the sentiment for the first time in my life.

Journaling: D10 had her indoor soccer game today and W showed up very late, very out of character. More surprising perhaps, she sat right next to me, about the closest she's gotten near me in 4 months voluntarily. I had a hard time believing it. It was so tempting to take her hand as I normally would have She said, I'm late because I had to shovel OUR driveway. You know how the snow plows come down OUR street and seem to dump the snow near OUR house... I know it probably doesn't mean a thing, but she has been calling our house HER house for months now, just found it odd and interesting.

We made idle chit chat during the game about the kids. I thanked her for watching D10 tonight while I take D15 to Rocky Horror, she said she is happy to spend the time with her and knows we will have fun too. I also thanked her for helping D15 register for classes next week. I said W was much more familiar with the online system than me. She said, and her classes too, kind of haughtily like I'm not capable. I just always saw it the division of our child rearing duties? I said she was a real good mom, and she said, yes, I am a good mom.

At halftime I asked how things going. She said pretty good...with a sad look. I asked about work, she said likes the lady she works with but her current job with the school system is only part time and ends in late April. She said she needs to start putting in apps for something else. She said, I don't want you to think I'm not carrying my own weight. For someone who said she doesn't care what I think anymore, she sure cares about what I think?

Not contributing to the family financially was something she talked and stressed about all last summer, though we were fine financially (much better than we bloody are now!) and I would stress she had time to be choosy. I think her dissatisfaction in not being able to find meaningful work was an important trigger for the EA and BD in the fall. She then went on to say she may need some financial support coming up, that she's finding it hard to make ends meet. I told her I had every confidence that she would find a solution the worked for her. I don't think she understood what I said. She looked a little relieved and said thank you for your support, I'm going to get a better job so I can support myself. I think she "heard" that I would be sending her more money, which I will not (honestly, there isn't much to spare). I send enough each paycheck to cover the house and car notes. When I moved out I left all the money in the joint checking account for her. She lived off that for the firsf month like the income she was used to was still there. She waited a month to get a job when she absolutely had to. I'm still kind of shocked by her short sightedness, she handled most of the finances over the last 23 years and did a great job.

My IC said she didn't want to feel "controlled" by you anymore, under your thumb as W put it, W sought for and encouraged the separation the MC suggested. My IC says let your W see and feel the what it's like to be divorced, to depend on only herself, let her stand or fall by her own actions. I want her to be confident and successful, I've always wanted that for her. I don't want her back until she's done. But it was nice for her to sit near me and not act like I might strangle her at any moment. Baby step? Maybe.
J.

[JBolt]

Captains log...
Last night my D15 was at my apartment and trying to register online for classes. It was the last day to do so and I was a little puzzled because W said she would help D take care of this while she had the kids earlier in the week (W is very familiar with the online system). D was kind of freaking out and having a hard time with it. I asked if she had called her mom for help and she said she had called a couple of times and W never answered. I took a look and walked her through it best I could, it wasn't actually all that hard.

I'm ashamed to say that when D said she couldn't get in touch with W on her home phone or cell, my mind started dreaming up scenarios. It's stupid, but I read so much on hear about MLCers having affairs and such, I'm kind of waiting for this to happen! I put half of this years tax return in our joint account and I wanted to let her know so I called. I haven't seen her all week or received any communication of any kind since last Saturday.

Anyway, I said Hi and she said hi. She sounded real down, had obviously been crying when I called and sounded very tired. I asked if she was feeling okay. She said she was not, that she was feeling pretty bad. I asked her if she was sick? She said no, she feels like life has given her a real beat down. She then asked quickly what about you, I said I was okay and things were looking good. She said she was glad to hear that.

She noticed the money had been transferred and assumed it was from my checking account. She had recently intimated that she might need some extra money this month, but I had no intention of giving it to her and told her so when she asked a week ago, she just heard what she wanted. She thanked me for putting the money in the account, she really needed it now and she said it was very generous. I told her it was her half of the tax return. If she thought I could give her that amount of money from my own account, she is crazy. I hadn't planned on giving anymore than I do now, which is enough to pay the house note and some utilities.

She then asked if D15 signed up for her classes. I said yes, we got it done. I politely said you were going to help her with this, what happened? She said D refused to take a certain AP course and it pissed W off. W said she was mad, pouted off to her room and decided she wasn't going to help D register! She said she acted like a brat. I was pretty surprised (not that I should be anymore), those kids are priority one with her. She sounded kind of embarrassed and apologized for putting it on me. I said no problem, it was actually kind of easy. I said, well that was it, I'll see you later.

The night before I had dreamed of her out at a bar, or with some OM. She is pretty cordial on Saturday for D10s soccer game, but cold and non-communicative during the week. I have not been calling her either.

This is the most difficult and painful thing I have every experienced. Nearly 5 months into this, I'm slowly getting my bearings. I go long periods of time now not thinking about her, the sitch, what went wrong, etc. I'm focused on the kids and having as much fun as I can. I'm also seriously wondering if she will ever be whole again and if she is, will she be so different that I can't accept it. The trust issue alone and all he hurtful things she has said (I know, I know; don't believe anything you hear and half of what you see) are enough to make me balk if she doesn't show true contrition and remorse for doing this to the kids and I. I downloaded and filed out all the paperwork for divorce this week. I was curious how difficult it would be and it was kind of empowering. I can truly get off this roller coaster any time I want. I'm going to give it a little longer, perhaps till the end of May. If things are where they are at now at that time, I think it will be time to end our marriage. Not exactly good DBing, but I have my limits and frankly, she done a very good job of driving me away.
J.

[Takevowsserious]

Hi J -

Glad you posted. I was wondering about you, noticed you hadn't posted in awhile.

One thing I will say... I think it's good to give yourself "check-in" times (per T^2, thank you!) to see how you are feeling with your situation.

I decided fairly early on that I was going to give it a year. I had read somewhere about giving yourself a private time frame. It did personally help me feel like this wasn't going to go on indefinitely.

Of course, there were many times along the way that I "thought" I was done. But I wasn't.

Once I got to a year, some things in my sitch were just becoming too much for me. I approached my H two separate times about two different issues ($ and OW). I expected him to be gone. Instead, we had very lengthy discussions, some spew, but some good info and interaction too.

Here I am, over a year and still standing. My next goal is 18 months (July). This doesn't mean that sh!t is not going to happen in the meantime. Who knows what could happen. It just means I am trying to see this till the end if I can.

Trying our best is all we can do J. I've been told over and over I will know when I am really done. I totally believe it.

My point is, when May rolls around, maybe don't be set on divorce. Maybe just think in terms of seeing how you are feeling. A lot can happen between now and then, for you and your W.

Remember when we said the happy-go-lucky mask would begin to crack eventually?

She may try to get out the glue to fix it, but it's happening.

Hang in there J! You are being a great dad while at the same time giving this your all.

Can't ask for more than that right now

[JBolt]

Thanks TVS, I do still love her with all my heart. We would have been a couple for 26 years come this May.

I cried like a baby as I filled out each line in those forms, I'm tearing up now just thinking about it. Despite all the hurtful words and actions since Oct., I do believe she is having a mental and emotional crisis, she is sick. I felt like a heel listening to her pain last night after I filled out the divorce docs. I will reassess my feelings in May as you suggest, but unless there is some sign in Oct (1 year from BD) that our M is salvageable, I'm done. Later, if the fog lifts and she wants to reconnect and I'm willing and haven't met someone else, we can try again. She and I both know she is not going to find a better husband.

I will see her in a few hours at D10's soccer game, should be interesting. The kids and are going bowling this afternoon, I invited W last week, I wonder if she will still go or even remember. No expectations.

I've lost 43 lbs in the last 4 months, my blood pressure, cholesterol, triglycerides, etc. are all normal or better; last year they were all bad. I quit smoking about a week ago. I went from smoking 1-2 cigs a day before BD to half a pack a day. The doc said there is an anti-smoking effect in the Wellbutrin, so I guess it kicked in at the same time I decided I had had enough.

Thinking back, W hated that I smoked, even as little as I did. I quit several times over the years, but i would get stressed and pick it up again. I would try to hide it, washed my hands frequently, rush to the bathroom to brush my teeth or mouthwash, avoid kissing her if I had just had one. I think it was a brick in the wall. Over Xmas,I was 2.5 months past trying to hide it and stepped out for a smoke. In my absence, my mom said she wished I would quit (both of my parents went cold turkey 20 years ago!). My D10 said to her that daddy was under a lot of stress right now, but it will get better soon and he will quit. You can imagine how I cried when my mom told me later. Well, it's time to quit for me and my girls. I'm tired of it coming between me and my loved ones.
J.

[Takevowsserious]

I know where you're coming from, I really do.

It's hard to have someone we love deeply hurt us so much.

I find that as his and my journey go on, my idea of what a salvageable M changes. You think you'll never make it past a certain point, then you do, again and again.

No doubt she won't find a better H. There may come a point where she even realizes this, but that is only half the battle. No matter how wonderful you are, it still doesn't fix her issues.

I am also finding that it is difficult to imagine how we will feel when we reach a certain point or as various scenarios play out. I think we don't really know till we're in the actual moment.

Congrats on quitting smoking! A definite positive for your life no matter what!

Hang in there J - it is a crazy ride that continually surprises me

[AJM]

I can truly get off this roller coaster any time I want.

Of course, there were many times along the way that I "thought" I was done. But I wasn't.

Trying our best is all we can do.

She may try to get out the glue to fix it, but it's happening.

No matter how wonderful you are, it still doesn't fix her issues.

I think we don't really know till we're in the actual moment.

To say that there are many nuggets here, is an understatement.

She is cracking, J. But not enough, sadly. She needs to be brought to her knees with nowhere else to look but at herself, long before she can figure it out. Even then, it's a crap shoot. It's why we always say the other person, or the drugs, or the drink are just bandaids. They are. They are ways that the MLCr is using to try and stop the pain and hurt. But they always find, even if they won't admit it, that it doesn't work for very long. It's a distraction.

Those nuggets are priceless. They can be hard to see as anything but trite things we say until you "get it". When you do, you'll recognize these differently than you do now.

Be easy on yourself, J. Realize you did your best, and it wasn't your fault. You aren't perfect, and there are things you wanted to fix, but nothing you did was a "brick" in the wall. Because this isn't about you, J. You know that. She's confused about it for less obvious reasons. She'd like to blame you since that would make her pain less. For a while anyway.

Feelings are funny things. If we bury them alive, they come back later to haunt. I never wish that on anyone, but it is how things tend to go. I point that out so that you are gentle on her as well. She'll say some things to you, do things to hurt you, etc, but it's really not about you. If you can remember that before responding, it'll help down the road. You have feelings and need to express them, but try to remember the above when you do.

Peace,
AJ