Here we go loopty loo. Here we go loopty li.

[Raine]

AJ likely there has got to be more, or more to come. I am pretty far out of the way of it with being separated and going weeks without seeing him. I could be combining things.

I think even if I had done more to help alleviate the depression years ago, I'd still be here. I noticed he was down. He was having surreal experiences. So I got him airfare and planned a trip for him to go back home. I pushed him into a new job. I scheduled weekly date nights and friend nights. I think there is a problem there too that I was the one attempting to solve the problem but not doing enough or recognizing enough in his mind. Now he is on his own.

Today H asks me if he can come home to shower before going out tonight. I said yes. He came out completely clean shaven. He has had this awful beard he is very proud of and started growing at bomb drop. I've taken it as a sign of rebellion, but also the biggest sign of when this started for me. I nearly started to cry when i saw him. Oh my heck it was him for the first time in 7 months. And it was hard because I know this isn't a sign of any change or has any meaning. It's just because of a competition and he will be growing it back. He asked about what I thought and I said it looks really good. I told him I almost started to cry and he got tears in his eyes and came over and hugged me and put his cheek against mine. He also was making ineundos at me while here. I have a hard time with that, like hey buddy you can't flirt with me and other women too. I just brush it off. But this week is the first he has talked like that to me since BD.

I took the boys out tonight to this really cool museum experience. The boys were so adorable. We had such a great time. Gotta get more of these moments in before it gets hard to go out for awhile.