Is there light at the end of the tunnel Part 1?

[Bel123]

Before going to MC and IC, the way I saw things were just black and white. Now after all this emotional quest of experiencing and exploring the good and bad emotions, everything is gray. I mean really, if a year or two ago my W told me she wants out because she is not sure and there was a thought of OM, I would have told her GoodBye and don’t let the door hit you on the way out! But why do I now feel like I have my marbles cut off? Is it because of my S that I am willing to work hard through this feeling of hell day in and day out? I know even before I have issues of holding my feelings and hurt deep in and then they explode. I know I want to be a better father to my kids than my father was to me. He had a lot of good qualities but was very hard on me and did not feel his love even though I know he loves me. Am I doing all this because of the guilt I would feel for my S not growing up in a two parent family? I already feel so much guilt for not having my D with me. I talk to D on the phone regularly and visit but I want to have her with me. I told W that a while back and that was always a subject we didn’t deal with too well. Now as I write this and look back, a lot of our problem are because we don’t talk about them. We both sweep issues under the rug and without knowing it, it changes our attitudes towards each other. I wish I know how to communicate better from early on and know how to deal with hurt and sadness instead of keeping it all in.