Thank you BF! I appreciate your post and your words.
I've asking myself, how could I have married this man? Really.
He emailed me today with a tone that would send anyone straight to court instead of having a peaceful negotiation. It's so bad that it's actually funny.
Then he followed up with a call, saying that he wondered if the tone of his email hadn't been the right one. He said many things, among them that if we had been married in Florida, he wouldn't have had to pay alimony. I said I wanted to make him aware than in Florida I would've filed for divorce due to adultery. He was quiet for a moment, then added that "he saw it as a two way road." I replied that his infidelity was the only vow that was broken. He changed the subject after that.
He also wants to take out any $$ he made when we were separated for 4 months (while he was having the A) and after he moved out in February of last year, even though you all know how he continued "eating his cake." WTF?? This really made me not want to negotiate anything. He's an idiot. I don't like judging or labeling, but there's no other way to call him. I guess there are other ways, but they would be censored on this site.
Anyway, I was all upset but then I went to this awesome dance class and feel much better.
Hey, Tori! You found me, you smart girl! I would love to go on a hike w a group sometime! Let me know. I am signing up (again) for tennis next w/e, so if you want to join us RSVP "yes."
So sorry your H is so clueless about his responsibility in this D. He really is a clueless idiot (sorry, but that's how I see it based on what his responses have been to your negotiations thus far).
You sound you're doing a great job at GAL! I need to take notes! Although I do have 3 boys who keep my schedule very busy and keep my life full. It's really only at night after they go to bed that I feel lonely and that there is a giant void.
I'm going to have to check out the D laws in CT as I haven't a clue! I was hoping infidelity was one of the possibilities.
What was your dance class???
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Yes, I won't be dragged down. I did let him know his message had upset me, though, and suggested talking after he met with an expert. I read something today that made me laugh: "You can't teach a pig to sing. It's a waste of your time, and it irritates the pig."
GTO, I'm good at putting clues together, huh? Now that we are in contact, I will let you know when I go on a hike. In regard to Saturday, I told a friend I would go see a play he is in...plus my hand injury still prevents me from playing tennis. The class is a mix of all kinds of dances. You would like it :-)
I have returned to a place of peace and love. I can get back to this state so much quicker than before! My goal is to avoid the negative energies altogether, instead of having to get out of them.
This is why many of us advised to let your L handle most of this. Why put yourself through unnecessary pain?
Your H is obviously searching for happiness in all the wrong places. When you married him things were different, he was different and so were you. Your love and connection was real. It was not a mistake. Don't ever forget that.
You've grown a lot, and have become a much better person. Continue to take the high road here. You will never regret it, and he will see this when he looks back some day. Don't confirm his decision to leave the M as a good one with poor reactions to his antics. Instead, show him only love and compassion. Allow him to realize that bailing on you was a major mistake on his part. Sadly for him, I can almost guarantee that at some point he will.
Originally Posted By: Tori
I have returned to a place of peace and love. I can get back to this state so much quicker than before! My goal is to avoid the negative energies altogether, instead of having to get out of them.
^^^ This!
I'm happy to hear you enjoyed your dance class and would love to hear more about it, as you know it's something I'd like to do once my GAL schedule opens.
Dance On!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Tori, I am sorry your H is acting the way he is...although it does not really seem unusual at this point in time (not just for your H...I wouldn't be surprised of similar behavior from my H when the process starts...heck...I am starting not to get surprised by his craziness now).
You seem to be in such a good place...a higher ground if you will....that allows you to stay away from the crazy. Brilliant. Just observe and let the L take care of the rest.
And yes, continue to dance on!
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
My H is lost and, as FY said, looking for happiness in the wrong places. It's hard sometimes to stay centered and remain peaceful, especially when he comes up with what seem to be sleazy schemes. I think in his head, his behavior makes sense. I don't think he's learned anything during the past year, and still doesn't see his part in the breakdown of our M. I don't even think he sees his A as a big deal.
Dancing is definitely good for the soul. The class is called "Groove," and it's just a lot of fun. Simple steps to follow. They even have one of those disco balls in the middle of the room. There were all kinds of people taking it, from teens to seniors, man, women, everyone.
My H texted me this AM to say he was sorry that his email had upset me and that the tone of his emails doesn't come out the way he wants. I didn't think it was the tone, but the content of his message. He was even questioning how much money he had when we got married and if it was more than the money I had--which is not the case. He's treating me like I'm the one who cheated on him or betrayed him. There's some selective memory going on. He said he'll talk to a L and then talk to me. I agreed, but if he continues with the same attitude, I'll send him to my L.
Hey, all. I've been really busy writing the book/new blog, and working. Sorry I haven't been posting on your threads as I used to.
This AM my H called w the same attitude. He hasn't been able to talk to a L, so he calls me all frustrated saying that the alimony is not fair and blah blah. I told him to call me back after he's talked to a L and understands the process better. Then he asked me about the jobs I've applied for. His tone felt as though he was his highness Money King asking his pawn to give a report. I said I didn't feel like talking to him about my life, and to limit our conversations to business stuff. Then I hung up. First time I am so curt to him, but I needed to be. I am still extending love but need to stand up for myself. Who knew things would've ended up like this?
Dealing with the financial stuff is in some senses the hardest of all. Unless he gets what he wants/believes he is 'entitled to', there will be nothing that will stop him being furious.
It's hard to keep DB-ing under these circumstances, but you seem to have a handle on it:
"still extending love but need to stand up for myself"
And yes, how could things EVER have ended up like this between us and our spouses....
