Thank you, Tori and labug. You both ask great questions and have great insights.
I've been really busy training a new therapist/tutor to work with S13. In fact, I've got really caught up in it. This guy looks a lot like S13. He could be one of my sons. He is 24 but I think he'll be fantastic with S13. In fact, he already is. I'm not sure this counts as GAL but it's certainly taking my attention off H.
It makes me feel more empathy for the times that H gets caught up in his own things.
Labug, I don't really like the Al-Anon meetings around here. Too much self-absorbed ramblings. It just puts me off.
Thank you so much for checking in with me.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Things with H have been really up and down the last few days--more down overall.
A week ago today, H was really obnoxious and acted in a pretty scary way to me. He'd got back late for supper and I kept him company in the kitchen while he ate. He then suddenly left the kitchen and went to his study with no mention or anything, leaving all his dirty dishes on the table and me in the kitchen. I went and asked him if he'd finished supper and said something to the effect of it being nice if he'd help me clear up. He came charging back into the kitchen and said he'd never f***ing asked me to clear up. He started throwing the perfectly good left-overs into the insinkerator. They were for S13's packed lunch and I just asked H to leave the kitchen. I then avoided H for the rest of the evening. He'd hurt his back at the gym that day and kept moaning which was pretty tiresome. I felt no sympathy given how rude he'd been to me. I felt angry, hurt and a bit frightened.
In the middle of the night, H asked if I was OK and I said no. He asked if I wanted to talk and I said not then. Eventually, we talked the next morning after all the kids had left for school. H apologised and said that he'd decided to stop drinking and that he'd only had one glass the night before but that alcohol didn't seem to agree with him--maybe because of him being on Zyban which he started taking to quit smoking. He also said that he was really stressed about money. We agreed that we'd talk about money and try to work on it together. We have talked a bit but he is so reluctant to face the fact that we simply overspend.
In the last week, H has been on better behaviour. It actually really helps that he's not drinking. Knowing H though, he'll go back to it. It really isn't that he drinks that much but any alcohol definitely makes him aggressive and he hides the drinking which is also weird. He seems to need to sleep a lot. His eating is still disordered. He's off apples (which he makes a big deal about because he reckons they don't agree with him and he used to eat loads in a day) but now huge chunks of cheese disappear from the fridge in a day.
I still think that we're better off staying together for now but his behaviour does worry me. I have never known anyone be so un-proactive. I've suggested he make an appointment to see his doctor. He claims he's on a waiting list. Meanwhile, I'm still caught up in the guy that is helping with S13.
Last Tuesday night, I found out that S13 had masturbated for the first time. I told H who said it depressed him too much and that he was going straight to bed. It's a big deal because S13 is autistic and we need boundaries for it. It's also a big deal because in many ways S13 is the equivalent of an 18 month old developmentally. It was shocking to me emotionally. Left to his own devices, S13 could start engaging in it anywhere. H was completely unhelpful about it. Thankfully, the new guy who is helping with S13 was happy to brainstorm with me about what to do. It feels as if this new guy (who is only six years older than my oldest S) is filling the space that H doesn't fill in terms of dealing with S13's issues. I'm 28 years older than this guy but he feels more like a co-parent than H. That is a pretty sad state of affairs. Of course, H is very proud when things are going well. S17 did very well on his recent exams and H wants to tell everyone about that. He's also really proud of D15's sporting achievements. He's just not engaged though when we need to figure out how to deal with more challenging things.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
I've started wondering whether H has ME or is depressed. He claims he isn't the latter. He is on medication for it anyway. He is always exhausted and has v little oomph. Any small demand on his attention feels like a huge one. He's seeing a doctor tomorrow.
We are managing to be together much more harmoniously than a year ago but it is difficult for me with him being so tired all the time. He says he feels as if he'd need to be on holiday for a year to catch up. I end up feeling like a single parent and feel resentful.
He's going away for work next week. In a way, that's easier because I am a single parent and don't expect his help.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
So glad to hear about your therapist. Good ones seem to be like gold dust. The masturbating is a bridge I know we will have to cross with S so you have my sympathy there! But sounds like you are getting support so hope you can work through this one with S.
Not excusing your H but the more I read about him on your posts the more I think just leave him alone. I can see your resentment coming through and I wonder if you are still expecting his help even though you say your are not. Little things you drop in suggest you are not leaving him be because you still ask him to help out, make decisions etc which makes him snap. You cannot change him and unfortunately you are the one doing all the work. That means at home, DBing and GAL.
How much are you rewarding the fact that he is getting help, seeing the doctor, gettign medication, trying to quit smoking etc...and did you thank him for the apology after his kitchen spat.
For me these are huge opportunities for you to make him feel good about himself and with you. What was your reaction to him when he mentioned about the charity bike ride? This is great but you seem to put him down on here because you don't think he will follow through.
Your posts seem v negative towards your husband yet so positive with others you come accross who give you help such as the AA man, the therapist, it worries me that on here at least you champion the therapist, the AA man yet not the things your H is trying to do to sort himself out...but that maybe just the way I am reading it and not how it actually is if that makes sense.
And what about you? what do you enjoy doing? when did you last pamper yourself and give yourself a break. I know how demanding a special needs child is and how a few hours break can feel better than a good nights sleep.
I do have enormous respect for what you do for your S, but don't forget about yourself. You deserve a life too.
You hang in there as I can see a lot of positives here.
Wendylon, I hadn't seen your post of 3/11. Your H's behavior after drinking is not good at all. I'd be scared too.
I can see you're questioning your desire to stay in the M when you say that you are better off staying together now. You can choose to focus on the positive and continue offering love to your H, but you also need to think about yourself. Are you happy being married to your H?
It's good you have the guy helping you with S13. I can only imagine how hard that is...
Thank you so much, Rkyfat, for your honest feedback. Lots to think about.
I'm sure you're right that I'm negative about H and miss opportunities to make H feel good about himself and that I'm still expecting him to step up to the plate in ways that are counterproductive. It's so useful to have you point it out. It's harder for me to see what I'm doing from within but I see it when you say it. I don't think I'm as negative with him as I am about him here but I'm sure I don't capitalise on the situations you mentioned to help him feel better about himself. About the charity bike ride, for example, I'm encouraging but low-key (partly because I don't think it will happen).
As for breaks for me, I honestly don't feel that I need anything more than I'm getting. I love cycling to my regular cafe and having a chilli hot chocolates on a daily basis. It's my social time too. I either end up talking with friends that are also regulars there or friends and family know that it's a good place to meet me in the afternoon. For example, my mother met me there at 2 today and then a friend who I know through the cafe joined us and then my mother left and she and I had some time alone. Funnily enough, the new therapist/tutor/carer (who I also met there) was serving us as that is still his B job.
Thank you again for taking the time to respond.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
As to whether I'm happy staying in the M, I really don't know but I think it's probably for the best at this point. I do find my H incredibly annoying and irritating but...I need to detach more.
Big hug to you too. From what I've read of your sitch, you continue to handle yourself with such grace and courage.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Wendylon, I see your point. The problem is that your H's behavior is impacting you and your home. I think if your H started loving himself more, all these troubles would go away. Send him all the love you can, and maybe he'll start loving himself.
