Living, Getting the Paperwork Started (20 months)

[adinva]

OMG no Acc you didn't offend. My eyes started to glaze over and my chin started itching with panicy asthma and I just couldn't formulate any kind of a response, but what I should have said was just, thank you. You're very wise and very knowledgeable, and you can take a relationship challenge and convert it into steps and worksheets. I was in such an overwhelmed state that I could barely function let alone consider drafting an agreement with H about rules. Oh my goodness I haven't even drafted the agreement that says he'll give me money and I'm starting to drown without money so you can imagine...

But those are my issues, and I do appreciate your help and interest.

Based on my recent not very effective attempt at holding a coparenting conversation with my H I feel like there's an insurmountable amount of ground to cover on items 1, 2, 3, and 4. It's a very old routine of our that if I try to seek agreement or state my case or express disapproval of ___insert almost anything here___ he will say "FINE. I won't do THAT anymore." and there will be no meeting of the minds, and he'll act restricted and resentful and speak loudly and sarcastically of me in group settings about how completely unreasonable I am and won't let him do this or that. It's not about agreeing, it's about even my softest disagreement being treated like I'm some evil hag cramping his style and ruining his kids. I just saw it with the request that I tried to sandwich between positive affirmations, that he please not yell so much because we were trying to have a respectful house. Which caused him, I later found out, to do and say basically nothing about drugs in the house because I wouldn't let him and I told him "not to overreact." Mistaken words, mistaken ideas, not questioned, angrily obeyed. So yeah, he thinks a haircut is not a physical punishment and he thinks a disparaging insult is nothing more than the kid deserves and if he didn't want to be called dum*as$ then he should just learn not to act like one. When I dispute these, I will get FINE DO WHAT YOU WANT.

We're not done, but the way ahead just seems so long to me.

While you recommend a more collaborative approach, my IC, who has met and spoken with him a few times and seen this first hand, feels I'm already at the point of stating this is how we'll be in my house and you be how you want in your house if the kids choose to go there. I'm not there yet. I recognize that I play myself the good guy to H's bad guy, in my own mind, and in the words I choose to provide to you. It can't possibly be that simple.

Anyway, rather than turning this particular issue into a need to build and over-arching agreement, for now, I'm addressing this particular issue the way I believe appropriate taking into account what I gathered from H during our conversation.

I'm working with S15 to understand him better and to make sure he knows he's not a bad kid that we dislike but a human kid who might need more help and guidance than he thinks he does right now. So I confronted him on the stuff, let him know in no uncertain terms how much it went against our values, beliefs, and the law, and the legal consequences that he was risking. The personal consequences took me more time to calm down and consider.

I will be talking with a substance abuse counselor for an evaluation of S15 and I'm considering that he needs to meet with her and provide me with a report of what he learned from her, which I will look at with an eye to deciding if he learned enough and treated the situation with enough respect that I can forgo a formal treatment program. For now. He'll be on notice that the next slip will be undergoing the treatment program.

I clarified to him that there will be not one more instance of drugs or paraphernalia in my house, and what will happen if I see it or even one sign that I've come to associate with it, like excessive cologne, candles, matches. On the spot I'll call parents of every child in my house at the time this is noted.

He's been grounded for this week and will begin earning back the privilege of seeing friends only when I see that he is acting responsible by getting to school on time and catching up on the work he missed. He won't be having sleepovers until his grades are actually up.

I want to have more conversations with him, and have so much I want to hear from him and share with him, but he only tolerates small doses of that.

I'm reserving the right for his dad and me to search the house top to bottom at any time, and I'm reserving the option to call the police and file a report if I don't feel like education and other consequences have had enough of an impact.

I want to be able to share all of these ideas with H and get his involvement, and I need to work on the ability to hear him through my dread and anger. I am not doing as well as I think I'm capable of. I'm operating at a pretty high stress level, and yesterday when I pulled in the driveway and saw his car there I was already getting worked up about how it was going to go and how much I'd like to just come home to peace and quiet when I need to. And I was touchy. He'd been to the school college info night, and I had too because my guitar lesson got cancelled at the last minute, so he shared what he heard as I'd asked him to:

"nothing matters except getting a's and b's. course selection is happening now and he'd better make sure he only signs up for easy classes he can get an a in."

And I shared what I'd heard as I'd happened to be there:

"it also matters that they start figuring out what they like. Take classes they enjoy, start tying their hobbies into coursework and seeking out leadership or extra opportunities in the areas they can get excited about."

I don't know if I come across as defensive to H as I feel, but I suppose I must. I feel like a rat in an electricity experiment, and my nerves are frayed, and when I just see my H I feel the floor start to sizzle.

However, things are looking up. Yesterday while clenching my teeth over a really over the top board member who is piling on too many projects he doesn't want to pay me to do, I felt a little bit excited about the overall goals of the organization I work for...I just felt the cool breeze of passion for what I do, in the face of the pelting hail of unappreciated overwork. Then I noticed a pretty day. Made it to the gym twice even though just for a very short workout. Caught myself thinking that my mom being living is currently more important than that my mom is living with cancer. Just seeing more balance in my outlook, which I know will help a lot.

And then I also am starting to get caught up on the backlog of scout, personal, business, and client work. Got about 15 loads of laundry done, made two areas in my house look nicer and neater than before, and am looking forward to my multifaceted and imperfectly human S15 playing in his very first game on the high school team this Saturday. He not just a drug problem. Anyway. That was a long answer to the question of whether I was offended. I was just stuck...less so today.