Finally getting it after three months...

[Spartan]

Been busy this AM so just catching up with your sitch. Still am busy so just going to quote what others said that were similar to my thoughts when reading your post to make sure they really sink in...

Well, that lasted 24 hours....

Come on man, you're better than this. Right???

What is it that you were looking for with the texts ??

What were you hoping to see ????

I just want you to see that YOU were the cause of your undoing...

Stop asking questions that you don't want the answer to...

Or in this case,

Stop looking for things to intentionally hurt yourself....

I wouldn't try to handle it without family counseling.

Depending on what you decide to do I agree this may need some outside help.


Reread AS's thread again because there is some good info in there. Especially questions about what your W was actually saying about you. Are you really doing those things???


Now I'm going to quote you:

I am not going to get anything accomplished focusing on my W so much

So stop it already. Stop snooping, stop obsessing, stop it all.

I need to go throw up and then look inside myself to see what i really want.

Been there, sorry to say throwing up never helped me... Only thing that will help you is to man up. Look at you and fix you. Mach asked you a lot of questions that you should really think hard about.

[jp787]

I have a lot to read and digest. I will be making and honest list and post it soon. One more week until therapy again, god knows I need it thanks agin for everyone's post. I respect you all.

[jp787]

What are the things that have helped everyone most getting your mind off of spouse? I goto the gym and try to focus, yet everything creeps in and I become lost in my fears, misery and self loathing. I HAVE to find a way to be more positive and not dwell, it is killing me. 70lbs lost since November from not being able to think and eat. Yes I am on antidepressants.

[cbtdad]

The way I did it was by actually detaching. I still think about the W once a day at least. But it's definitely like it was a month ago. I do a couple of things when my mind starts going there.
1. I say to myself STOP. The mind is a powerful for thing and this does work
2. If my thoughts continue to dwell on her I switch them to negative attributes about her. There are many. I want to be married to the person she was and what I know she can be. Which leads me to the last thing
3. I can't control her or the situation except for my thoughts and actions. She has to want to change and be that person

[labug]

jp, you're in a difficult place right now and you haven't been at this for long, even tho it seems like forever. Being in a 20 year R isn't something you grieve and get over in 4 months. Stop worry about detaching and just work on it. Sometimes you work on it every minute of every day. NO 2 people will do it the same way or take the same amount of time. Read CoDependent no more, if you haven't already. If you have, read it again.

About your D, you opened Pandora's box.

It seems you have little control, you act on your emotions. It may be those things you need to work on with your IC in order to be strong enough to detach and to be the F your D's deserve.

You got some good ideas on ways to address the situation with your D. Good luck.

[VeryGrateful]

What are the things that have helped everyone most getting your mind off of spouse? I goto the gym and try to focus, yet everything creeps in and I become lost in my fears, misery and self loathing. I HAVE to find a way to be more positive and not dwell, it is killing me. 70lbs lost since November from not being able to think and eat. Yes I am on antidepressants.

jp, things got much better for me when I realized that our sitch was a 50/50 blame like most are. I accepted that I needed to let go of my W and let her work on her things. I accepted I had my stuff to work at and improve and grow. I accepted that no matter what the outcome I will have a happy and fulfilling life. I accepted that W and I getting a D is a real possibility and I must also think about a plan B.

You've probably heard this before, but you can't beat yourself up over this. Accept it as 50/50 blame and focus 100% on your 50%.

Keep going to the gym!

My weight loss was fairly significant as well. Dropped 30 pounds. But important that you start eating well and sleeping because this is probably a big part of the reason you are driving yourself crazy and constantly analyzing. Your not in a good place to face your W right now and start taking positive, small steps in the right direction.

Have you tried meditating? It's not easy. I'm a work in progress at it. But it has helped me.

[Spartan]

What are the things that have helped everyone most getting your mind off of spouse? I goto the gym and try to focus

I wish I had a good answer for you here but I don't. Been with my W for 20 years and as Bug said you don't just turn that off. Try to keep busy to help but I'd be lying if I said my W/sitch doesn't cross my mind every half hour (up from every 15 min a month ago and every second two months ago...).

yet everything creeps in and I become lost in my fears, misery and self loathing.

Those are all feelings that YOU can control.

What are your fears?

I HAVE to find a way to be more positive and not dwell, it is killing me

Yes!

A book not mentioned a lot on here that helped me with this was The Happiness Trap. It discusses methods of diffusing those bad thoughts.

I still have 'bad' thoughts and many are similar to what you feel. I just force myself to diffuse them quickly before they take hold. Some days are harder than others. Those are days you'll see me venting on here or reaching out to friends.

[Spartan]

I agree, Codependent No More is a really good book. It was really eye opening for me.

[lostinscared]

You know, JP, there is nothing inherently wrong with you? The emotions you feel, the grief you are going through is very normal. I don't know why it is we all have such trouble just sitting there and being with those emotions. It may feel like it, but they aren't going to kill us. We are not in mortal danger.

Why distract yourself from your fears? Why not explore them? Why not look at your fears and explore the worst case scenario? Why not sit there in your despair and face that? Why not explore the feelings of self-loathing and figure out where that is coming from? I mean in that I have learned that I need validation from my H in order to feel worthy. That's a problem I need to work on. Not my H.

If I tell you to go sit in a corner and tell you not to think about a white elephant and not to return until you stopped thinking about a white elephant, I'd never see you again! The idea is not to ignore your feelings, not to ignore your grief, not to ignore your fears but to face all of it. We've been sold a bill of goods in life that we are to be happy no matter what. That just isn't true! And it's ok to break down. It's what we do with it that matters. So go to the gym. And if your W creeps up in your mind? Well, that's ok! But go to the gym anyway. You do that for you.

Stop fighting your emotions so hard. The more you fight them, the more fierce you will feel them. And definitely stop thinking there is something wrong with you for how you feel. Be gentle with yourself.

Two books I would recommend are: Self-Compassion and Broken Open.

The idea in these books is that we aren't to ignore or subjugate our "bad" emotions but to work with them. They tell poignant stories of the gifts we get during these awful times if only we will face it and not fight it. I would also recommend you looking up the concept of Phoenix Process on the internet.

I'm praying for you.

LIS

[jp787]

Thanks all for your words,my computer has a virus that I cant get rid of, so I am using my phone. I will post more this week at work, your time, efforts and comments are NOT going unnoticed..