I am not too concerned about her thinking D...my gut says she won't, her actions say she won't and that she would have left already if she was determined...but I have learned (man, have I learned) to expect the unexpected and realize nothing is ever off the table, including jumping back in the tunnel...so just a safety reality byte in the back of my mind. I don't give it much energy at all. Just acknowledge it is there.
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What is it she thinks you are trying too hard at? How can you change that perception?
This just when I am being fun, happy, goofy, etc and it isn't working for her because of her mood..she is a Mom and knows what it feels like for the Mom to try to cheer up a child and it isn't working...that's all. It's nice to have her empathy chip functional again. And I handle it well (one of those 180's), I don't get all bummed or anything anymore.
And yes, she let's me know when my flirting, or quirky fun-ness isn't working, we did agree to work on being more honest at the time, rather than avoid conflict, or it's possibility. This is tough to do for both of us at this fragile time, but we are creeping forward in that department.
Thank you for your compliments and feedback...it helps the PMA nicely...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Hey T, just got a chance to catch up on what's going on in your world, and as I have been reading this I hear my C's voice saying, "Depression, and low self esteem." Especially in the post about your W "being jealous of the other mom." Sounds like your W is still in a very painful place. I'll tell you what he (my C) told me, keep up with the validations and positive affirmations, after all this is NOT about you, but her not feeling worthy.
I know it's hard but keep being patient and building her up. You are doing awesome T, you are just amazing, keep going, unconditional love is hard but, it's totally worth it!
These things have been with her a long time TVS and HRM, always slithering around in her shadows...guess they are demanding the spotlight and being dealt with now, eh? Have you noticed known, but not too bad, long term things come out to play fully during your H's crisis?
I am continuing to validate, and try really hard to find things to notice and affirm, no matter how small.
W finally applied for a job, funny how a year ago it wasn't any of my business and she was going to do it all herself (and never did anything), fast forward to now and she asked for my help a lot. I really hope she gets it and it helps boost her self-esteem, contributing to the family finances and having to get out and interacting with people.
She has been pretty down and withdrawn again...hopefully the meds will start kicking in some and take the edge off, and hoping for a sunny spring this year...
Other than that, I'm pretty burnt out, lots of absences at work due to flu, so my work load is rather higher than usual...ugh...meh. Backpacking season is getting closer...must.look.forward...big.picture. lol
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I am continuing to validate, and try really hard to find things to notice and affirm, no matter how small.
How does it go when you validate her? Does she accept it? Does it mean as much to her when it comes from you instead of an outsider? (my experience is it does not, maybe because I've done it our entire relationship)
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W finally applied for a job, funny how a year ago it wasn't any of my business and she was going to do it all herself (and never did anything), fast forward to now and she asked for my help a lot. I really hope she gets it and it helps boost her self-esteem, contributing to the family finances and having to get out and interacting with people.
You can offer advice and guide when she asks, but this is something she needs to do for herself to heal. But then you already knew that.
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Other than that, I'm pretty burnt out, lots of absences at work due to flu, so my work load is rather higher than usual...ugh...meh. Backpacking season is getting closer...must.look.forward...big.picture. lol T^2
Hang in there buddy, spring is right around the corner!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
How does it go when you validate her? Does she accept it? Does it mean as much to her when it comes from you instead of an outsider? (my experience is it does not, maybe because I've done it our entire relationship)
Actually I meant to say "when you compliment her".
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Sometimes she is very appreciative, sometimes disagrees or minimizes, depending on her mood...I just keep tossing the seeds there and hope they will grow.
I did let her initiate with me for help regarding getting a job, nothing I could push, glad I found that wisdom these past 18 months...lol...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Hey T, I would have to say yes to your question about the long term things coming out during MLC, but back before MLC they may have been just little comments, so I wouldn't realize how big the feeling under them could have been. H has never been one to talk about his feelings, more of a think about things and make the decision and that is that (and apparently is still that way).
Like now that he seems to be exiting the tunnel he says very little, we had those few conversations about what he wants and doesn't want back in December, but that was it. Everything is going on like a normal married couple, which is strange for me because I have a lot of things unanswered, which some I would like answered and others not so much anymore, I've had to ask myself why I feel like I need to know and will it help me to know, usually the answer is no (and would probably hurt me).
Remember I was a bit jealous that your W was being (and is still being) so open about her process? Maybe it's a woman thing, we are more verbal about that stuff and you guys aren't, IDK, but I've realized just because he's not talking to me about it doesn't mean he's not processing and making progress.
Also, about the positive affirmations and compliments, something else my C said that's very important, don't over do it, and don't seem fake, they will know.
I hope your W gets that job, but if she doesn't then there is something better waiting for her.
Along those lines, a couple of weeks ago H had an interview for a different position where he works (of course on the inside I was scared to death of how he would react to not getting the job if it worked out that way, since a big job disappointment seems to be what triggered this whole mess). I didn't bring it up with him, and if he did, I told him I hope he gets the position, but if he doesn't then it wasn't meant to be and something better is out there for him. He ended up NOT getting the position. He was disappointed but I stood by saying there is a reason he didn't get it and I believe there is something better waiting for him. He recovered nicely from it, and thankfully didn't go running back in the tunnel! lol
You're an amazing person T, and are doing great, just keep up the good work!! And also remember even if she seems cranky when you are saying nice stuff to her, she's filing it away somewhere how you treated her...Unconditional love my friend.
Yes, that was helpful. Oh, and I don't know if I would be jealous if H isn't being overly communicative about his process, because it can be quite challenging, draining, hurtful and frustrating at times...lol.
I was reading over in piecing and some people have posted that they don't think they would/could go through "this" again...I think I see why.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I was thinking about your question regarding issues...
I think the catalyst for my H's crisis is two fold.
One is my H's health issues, which we have been dealing with for about ten years. We found out about them when we were just newlyweds, and it rocked our world. It was a painful and difficult time in our life and R. I thought we had worked through things (looking back now, maybe they just went dormant) and things resurfaced when we had kids. Then he worried about not being around to see the boys grow up, and also that they would inherit his health issues.
He and I have discussed these things over the years, and also in recent talks.
Now, the other "issues" are still a bit of a mystery to me. During our last big convo, he said something to the fact that he's "always been a fake" and " had no substance". I'm not really sure what he is referring to there. I have a theory, but am going to see if he (hopefully!) will feel safe enough to confide in me some day.
I thought it was interesting in my last talk with him that he told me he was "trying to work through issues" and that he couldn't "give me a time line" for it.
Interesting vocabulary, no?
So I guess that some issues have always been there w/o my knowledge, and other things I was aware of.
You aren't the only one hoping for a sunny spring!!!
Hang in there, ride the waves of her moods, and dust off your back packing gear
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
And I handle it well (one of those 180's), I don't get all bummed or anything anymore.