Sexless marriage. H Left. Now retrouvaille in 3wks

[AM2012]

Well one issue is his language is physical touch and at this time he doesn't want me touching him so how do I go about this? He is really disgusted by me at this time. Has big mental block up us being intimate in anyway.

[l'infidele]

AM,

That's why I asked about his OTHER love languages. If you speak in his other Love Languages for a long time the physical touch one could open up.

But remember you can't over do it and let him think you are pursing.

A soft approach is called for.

[AM2012]

Ohh sorry misread. It's words of affirmation. I will definitely approach this softly. He's won't be living with us as of march 14 so our contact will be very minimal at that time.

[l'infidele]

Ok then.

Try to catch him doing something right. Don't force it

The nice thing about words of affirmation is that it can be done via text, email, or phone.

So send him a note "I thought you handled _____ well" or "I appreciate how you handled ______" tonight" or "Great idea" or "Good plan"

Say it in person too.

As it regards touch. again without pursuing. there are ways of touching that aren't aggressive. I'm a naturally "touchy" person. so things like grabbing a forearm across the table and saying "Great Idea" Or tapping a shoulder or upper arm and saying "you got that right" would be natural and not creepy (I hope) for me.

Maybe those baby steps could help you?

Stay away from hugs, hands, thighs, chests, face, lower backs, rubbing, or stroking those are too much for right now.

[stilllookingup]

AM,

First time to post on your thread. My H's one of the biggest reasons for BD was less frequency and quality of sex. After I started DB-ing, I didn't know what to do either because he was so distant I couldn't even touch him. And he started sleeping in a guest bedroom so that made it even tougher.

I kept doing nice small things for him like picking up his favorite cookies and chips at a store whenever I had a chance.
I’m sure he appreciated that but I still wasn’t getting any warm feedback. I’m really starting to think the classic 180 (being mysterious, not touching at all) do not work for H like ours who had intimate issue. I’m pretty sure I angered him in the beginning when I wasn’t telling him when I was coming back or where I was going etc. I feel he started opening up to me little when I started hugging him every morning. (But please note I started this 2-3 months into DB-ing so I didn’t initiate this when he was flat out cold)
Everyone is different. You say your H is disgusted by you at the moment and mine wasn’t. So maybe you should focus on WOA for him to warm up first..

It’s good that you know his other l language. Give him WOA on smallest things until he moves out and after he moves out.

[AM2012]

Stilllookingup

I have to agree with you on the 180 being a bit different for our H's. I do think that when I was fully 180 it did upset H more. My H Also slept in the spare room until 2 weeks ago he decided to come back to the bed, however he's still moving out. Some of the things he does are so strange and I get mixed signals.
Was your h open to those hugs? At the very beginning if my DBing within 2 mths h started hugging me and then he stopped its like he was going back to his angry cold way.

Thanks for the advice on the small gestures I will patiently work on them. Patience is definitely not a strong asset of mine

[findingself]

Thank you all for the recent posts...also in SSM and I was teh LD s, so wondering all these questions too...thank you so much...too new to give any feedback right now...but I too have been trying to give WOA which is hard when there is little contact...my h is out of the home...

An issue we had was lack of trust on my part of H with s, so next weekend I am going away for the first time since s's birth for an overnight...seemed like H was a little excited when I asked him to do this for me.

I plan to give no advice and feedback and praise like heck when I return!!

[stilllookingup]

I haven't read your entire thread but as far as I read your first post, and I'm sure everyone has said that your H was definitely not ready to come back. H like ours definitely need longer cooling time.

In my case though when I started initiating hugs, he also lost his beloved grandpa and I was there for him and I think it really showed him how much I cared about him. The night we came back form visiting grandpa when his condition worsened, I hugged him extra tight and he hugged me back tighter than ever. Now every morning he hugs me back / rubs my back. I really don't think he would have done that if I was hugging him right after BD 4 months ago. Just a couple of days ago he texted me a funny picture and that's the first time ever in 4 months. He now even brings me back candies I like from his work. Tiny tiny baby steps but I take it.

I knew somebody just like your H from another forum and W was so confused too. Her H was cold just like your H. He was more mad about the rejection than sad like mine is. She was so frastrated because he was so cold and yet he wouldn't leave the house. She wants them to work on m but knew it wouldn't happen if her H stayed at home acting like that. So maybe it's a good thing your H is leaving - he needs time to heal.

By the way I am very impatient and my H KNOWS that I am. So my biggest 180 is actually these last 4 months. I'm sure he can't beleive how patient I have been. I mean I haven't rushed or forced him ANYTHING at all.

[findingself]

stilllookingup...good advice...make me think it is possible too...

[AM2012]

I find I am struggling with the 180's because throughout our SSM h has felt unloved and rejection and when I am 180 by not giving him info as to where I am or what is going on in my life he is feeling more unloved and more rejection.