Compliments & Passive Aggressiveness..Work to do!

[MrBond]

As one of those who have been a part of that "golden age", I can tell you that the advice you've been given here is exactly the same. The difference is that you aren't 'listening'. You are still listening to what you want to here and then when there are other 'strategies' (which we've read also), you try applying them as well which leads you off on another track.

Everyone here can see how you go from one direction to another at the drop of a hat. You're the one who's derailing your efforts.

[SM34]

Mr bond

The only method I have actually been using is the DB and what my coach recommends.

Anything else I have asked for everyones opinion on is simple that.....a question. Nothing more nothing less. As I tried to explain I am simply trying to understand why we do what we do.

I havent applied any other techniques nor have I switched on the drop of a hat. That iskind of what cat was saying in her previous post. I just ASK what people think of something I have read and I get a barrage of 2x4s and a bunch of people accusing me of mixing and matching techniques.

The only person I am listening to as far as technique is laurie my coach. But even thwn I get attacked and accused of misunderstanding plain english or cherry picking.

I just cant understand why....

Honestly when I read the threads of people you guys are 'getting through to' it often sounds to me like they are appeasing just to avoid asking why and getting splinters.

If you dont ask why, then you dont know why, so you cant DB. They just go along withit and keep saying they had an ahaaa moment.

[SM34]

And perhaps that is why the success rate seems to be poor these days in the one thing we all came here to do....save our marriages!

What am I going to do if my marriage fails? Move on with my life like everyone else who doesnt have 10 people down their throat after every post they write.

[MrBond]

"Honestly when I read the threads of people you guys are 'getting through to' it often sounds to me like they are appeasing just to avoid asking why and getting splinters."

Mindreading. You're totally off base here because you haven't gotten your 'aha' moment. You can't speak for them any more than they can speak for you. And that's the problem you've been running into. You compare yourself to others or think that this can easily be understood or boiled down into simple concepts. It can't. You have to take what people advise you (whether you agree or not) and then apply it to YOUR situation.

Look up Power of Now's thread. It took ALOT of posting before he got his 'aha' moment. And it's not appeasement which is what you so rudely believe. People do get to that point. You haven't yet which is why you end up chasing your tail and keep asking the same questions.

In fact, YOU are the one who gives off the impression that you've had your 'aha' moment, but your questions and comments say otherwise. That's why you feel that 'everyone' (and BTW, don't speak in absolutes) is giving you 2x4's. They are trying to guide you back. You're like a cow heading to the water hole, but you get distracted and head towards that distraction. The posters are like the shepherd that uses 2x4s to get you back on track.

For those that do reach that point, you can tell in the way their questions are. You'll notice a shift. But there is an 'aha' moment. It's rude to say that others haven't had an 'aha' moment when it's you that haven't. And you'll know it when you get there.

[lostinscared]

Hey SM, breathe... take a big deep breath.

LOL. You're a lot like me... so much like me it's scary. I, too, read every single thing I could get my hands on to try and fix my problem. And you know what? It's commendable. Thing is? It didn't really help me. I was asking all the wrong questions. Sometimes, taking a step back helps. So let's simplify this a little because maybe you have way too much swirling around in your head.

What would you say are the top things you need to work on right now? What questions do you have regarding that?

You aren't going to save this thing in a day, you know. And the harder you try to control it... the harder you try to fix the marriage, the more out of control this will all get. I took a huge step back from my situation and was able to see my own codependency issues. 2 1/2 years into this mess and only now I'm figuring out. Why? I was asking all the wrong questions... focusing on the marriage, focusing on my H, focusing on fixing everything that I truly truly didn't internalize all of my own issues. I know you've heard this all before. I guarantee you have as I see already in your thread a lot of introspection. So, I"m suggesting, you start again. Beginner's mind.

It's a journey for sure. And some days it stinks and some days some INCREDIBLE gifts come out of it. You may not see that right now, but I PROMISE you there are gifts. In the meantime, keep on your journey and don't be discouraged.

I'm praying for you.

LIS

[cat04]

SM,

First, I agree with Mr. Bond.

Second, please don't try to assume you know what I was trying to say. You have incorrectly interperated me more than once on this thread.

You have a huge ego. It is in your way.

Read, listen, stay on topic.

And stop mindreading. If something I say needs to be explained, I am more than happy to do it.

[SM34]

Yes I have certainly gotten myself into a knot.

I love hearing from others of ways to better myself. I really am trying. Its just sometimes it is discouraging when it feels like an attack. I need to get over this. I do t have this problem when in person, and actually find it very easy to admitt fault and take blame. But somehow on here, it is hard for me to keep in mind that everyone is just trying to help.

I will try harder guys....beginners mind!

On a more positive note, had an incredible day yesterday! Closed on my new business, paperwork signed and have the keys.

I sent a mesage to all of my family our family chat room to tell them the fod news. Everyone was so proud and happy for me, it felt good to know so many are supporting my business effort.

Then I got a nessage from W who was at OM and didnt know it was closing day. I keep her out of the loop a little so she can feel left out.

She said wow baby I didnt know it was today. Why didnt you tell me I would have stayed home for it. I am leaving now and heading over there. She left his house at 10.30 am which is the earliest ever, but not reading into that. Maybe he was busy?

When I go home from work, wife had gotten D3 bathed and in bed, and had cooked an awesome home made dinner. It was fresh lobster and fetuccini alfredo! She said lets scelebrate this awesome achievement. I am so proud of you and how driven you are!

Those are the words of afirmation that she had been withholding. They are starting to come ou now. That was one of my litle goals was to try to achieve some sort of praise from W.

Anyway, turns ou her and OM had yet another fight. Two fights in 3 days. Found out when her girlfriend posted on fb asking wife if the argument had 'quietened down' after her friend supposedly left there on thursday night (left om house). Wife looked at her phone a few times during the evening and looked a little mad and acted like she was ignoring someones messages.

So today I am taking one of my employees with me to the new store to setup everything so we can open on Monday. Very VERY excited! This project is just what I needed for both financial reasons and morale. Hopefully I is a successsful venture.

Wife gave me a hug and a little kiss on the cheek for confratulations last night. Mos affection given sinc BD.

Tonihht I am taking my employees out for dinner to celebrate the business growth. No wife is not coming because I havent invited her. She can spend a saturday night on her own for the first time maybe in her life

[SM34]

Mr bond, please stick with me. I will get it eventually! I just need more encouragement sometimes and I am no good at asking for what I want...which is part of my M problem. I should have been making it more clear to w that I need WoA more often.

Thanks man. You really are very dedicated to everybody on here. Along with 25, adinva, leo, AS, starsky etc... I cannot believe how much time you spend here every day trying to help people. I know you know how difficult this journey is and how when we are hurt it is often too easy to take things the wro g way. Im going to try my very hardest to keep my ears open to your suggestions.

Thank you again!

[SM34]

MIL Says W thinks that MIL wants her to work out her M with me for financial reasons.

Now, W is not throwing away receipts for things she bought or did. For the first time in OUR lives, she is going to look at how much she spends and how much it costs for her to be herself.

She will be unpleasantly surprised when she realizes it takes more money than she AND OM can make work with the BS jobs they can get.

This experiment is going to be the whole month.

[SM34]

So, MIL told me that W thinks that MIL only wants her to work out her M with me because of financial reasons.

Now, W seems to be keeping track of all her expenditures with an app on her phone. She says she wants to track her expenses for one month (this is the first time in OUR lives she has expressed interest in knowing how much our lives cost us).

This experiment is to last the whole month. After this, she will be sorely disappointed to see that her life costs way more than her and OM can pay for with the BS jobs that they qualify for.

Is it OK to have a wife want to work on the marriage based on finances? I mean a lot of advice here has been to cut her off from money and let her feel how it is without the money you give her. So I guess that is the same thing, right? I mean, we always say we want them back from a place of love, but is financial motivation an admirable reason? Can it be built on, and a love grown on that basis?