Hey everyone.. Welcome to March... another calendar page I can start marking big red X's on since all of the MLC stuff started. With each day that passes I seem to get maybe 1/2% better than the day before... but for sure it's two steps forward and one step back.... and some days it's all the way back. I had no contact with her for a couple of weeks and then she wrote me and wished me a Happy Birthday... which is all I wanted .. was for her to at least acknowledge it. but the second I see her name back on my phone it makes my stomach drop. I clearly need A LOT more time being dark. My birthday represented two things.. of course the fact that I was turning 38.. but also it was the first time we made love 9yrs ago.. every Bday card I haven't gotten from her over the years always had a little joke or something in it about it being our first time on that date.. it hurts soo much. So on my bday I did a bad thing. after coming home from a friends house I drove by my W's house that she is renting and of course she had the OM there. and all I could do was cry thinking how could she of all the nights of the year be with him. I am sorry for venting about this but I think that was what hurt the most.. she can be with him all the other days of the year.. but why that one day? I went home and punch the punching bad I bought for almost 20mins straight with tears coming down my face. For the first time since this stared 3 months ago I was ready to give up... I was angry for the first time... at her... at the world for this happening to me. I cursed God for letting this happen to such a beautiful person.
Are these break downs normal? do they become less and less? I know the main part of the problem is that I even drove by her house in the first place.... which goes against the detaching principles.
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
