Cake-Eating..I just don't understand

[rosesarered]

So H and I had a big talk last night. The first relationship talk in a long time. He texted me asking if we could discuss what happened the other night because he was really upset about it. I texted back and said yes, I agree we need to talk about it. So when we got home, the kids were watching TV and we started to talk. He said he was really mad that I hung up and didn't give him a chance to talk. That he didn't say No and that I don't listen to him. That he needs to reason through things sometimes. So very calmly I explained my feelings. That I felt that his version of reasoning was push back and that made me feel more rejected. I just didn't want to hear more rejection so I hung up. I told him that i appreciated that he explained what he was doing but did he see where I was coming from. He said we can agree to disagree. He is very practical and he thought the kids should just go to bed rather than go to his place at that time of night.

He apologized and so did I.

For a few weeks now i have wanted to sit down and tell him that I am ready to move on. I held back because it was S9 birthday and then my H lost his biggest client. That brought us to this week. So last night I took the opportunity to talk about my feelings. I started out by saying that we need to discuss our relationship. I told him that I have built up anger and resentment and that it was unhealthy for me. That I need to just let go and move on. I have started exploring the D process. At first, he agreed but didn't offer anything to contribute to the conversation. Then he started to say that he has been trying.

His definition of him trying is being here for the family and he bought me a few gifts. He shows up a night to help make dinner and does some grocery shopping. He leaves at 9pm every night after the kids go to bed. However, I take care of everything else. BUt I agreed with him that he has been making an effort with the kids and that I appreciated it. But he still didn't want to do anything with me. Thats what hurts the most. There is no husband/wife relationship. I said I wanted to go out on dates or for coffee and be included in his events. He had told me in the past that he wasn't inviting me to anything because he didn't want to lead me on. It was a strange conversation. It was very calm, there was no yelling. I kept everything to I-statements and I tried not to blame in anyway. BUt he kept trying to turn the conversation by saying that because I feel rejected that he is the bad guy for abandoning me. He feels bad about it but can't change his feelings.

He told me that since I am injured I should take the weekend off, so he is taking kids all weekend. Then he looked at the calendar and said, well you take them next weekend and I will take the weekend after. I said that sounds great. Then after a while, he came around and said the weekend of March 16th can be a regular weekend, meaning we can spend it as a family.

We ended the conversation with that he would think about what we discussed. So now its up to God. I am at peace either way. I just know that I don't want to continue with what we have today. I am ready to move forward with my life. So i get this weekend off. First weekend in 9 months and I feel giddy, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I get to sleep in....

I plan to give him a few days. Next week I receive my bonus from work and I am opening up my own bank account to put that straight in. There is a lot to consider in the D process, I am in no rush.