had to run out before- i know what you're saying and i hear it.
it's true- i do need more- but also true that this is the one place i can come and feel like someone REALLY DOES understand and it is constant. .
allong with all the rest - the up and down- ness of it all. that's what dbing people "get".
when i get back to nj- i will get my self to work - somewhere - outside the house. only one tutorial to attend and then i'm good to go with the substitute teaching. so that is a big something concrete - but who really knows what will pop up and if something did and fell in my face- i'd do it.
ebay makes me spare change- it's not enough and I KNOW FULL WELL i need the social network i missed these last 30or so years.
one of these years i'll finally put to rest the whole can of wormms this mlc opened. i'm happy of my progress - some days i am merely frustrated over my lack of ability or desire to just jump forward (A HUGE JUMP) and make a difference.
i'm not there- i'm on my way tho- even i, even when i'm wacked out and driving myself nuts- can register that it's not the gut-wrenching affair it was a couple years ago.
since i'm a girl with a work room full of craft supplies and "GREAT STUFF' - AND I DO HAVE A BIT OF A PROBLEM LETTING GO- AS WELL AS COMMITTING, IN LIFE. I know, wierd combo huh?
Anyway-
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When I realized it was ‘’ok’’ if H and I don’t get back to our M, mainly because how could he become better for me than he was, and our R was not going to be the same ever again, I went a little stir crazy. I didn’t know what to do with my new revelation,
interesting that you can look at this and say this so calmly. when the times come and h is "normal" , however rare - when he forgets himself and his agenda of "no fun" with me- i don't get all hopeful- but i register that there might be some kind of r we could have - BUT IT DOES NOT include me and her both. like you- . that is that.
unfortunately- much as i'd like to intellectualize all the ow junk - (which is crap, btw) - it matters. this jacka$$ gets to say it's not all that important WHILE he's having it and seeking it. yeah- rite.
i'm not brain dead...
i am not nuts enough to be thinking we get back what we had. he's killed it - i'm in some wierd "riding it out" place.
i'm not panicking because i've got the rest of my life to find my new life & head down that new road. i'm not so afraid of life alone anymore. having had lots and lots of time to think it over and get used to the idea - i know several people doing just that and surviving okay. i can see rite in my face that it's doable and i will just make it work. one way or the other.
h doesn't see that- it's just too bad that when i do, it won't probably have a place for him. (i'm not making promises - i just think that is how it will turn out with a person like me maybe) i know, i keep being told i think too black & white. but then, is it anything else when it comes to love and loyalty? do ow REALLY have a place in our r's? i don't think so- maybe it's like instinct and animal kingdom- it IS bladk and wh ite.
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Read the 5 Languages of Love so you can talk to your H and get closer to the answers you need. Your going stir crazy and he needs to talk to you so you get out of his one way conversations and stop assuming yourself to death.
i'll find the book - but HONESTLY , i have to say, this guy does not choose to share his thoughts or honesty with me- it is a choice i believe. he certainly can find the words if he wanted to- whether he avoids it because he can't face life without me (yeah- rite) or because he is the world's biggest chicken - and he can't engage in an uncomfortable talk . - i don't know. one of these days i won't care.
he'll take the easy way out of everything. (i assume at this point in our lives) he'll keep mum til i die on the vine and do the hard thing for him. he'll have a life with ow because it's "easier" than anything else. probably til soemthing else easier still comes along.
WELL- YUCK AND YUCK - NOW THAT i say that stuff out loud- i am sick of hearing myself TALK about htis junk. Ican't talk - disgusted saying it out loud. for nice ole me to be so unimportant to such a goober - what does a girl do with that info. that was you were talking about is rite- what the heck does it matter or accomplish- in the end??? except the poor old broken and discarded woman??? oh man... BUT - WE'RE ONLY "DONE FOR" IF WE LET OURSELVS BE- and this girl isn't laying down and dying over this.
HOWEVER- AS WE speak his father is sitting home awaiting results of tests that look mighty grim- and thinking of that man worrying like mad and prayign for a miracle - and not to have either liver cancer or pancreatic cancer- (geeeez & gulp) i can't stop and agonize today over this. i am back to glad to be alive and confident i will not croak from all this.
probably end up rather damaged about it all and ALOT LEESS roMANtic in life - bvut who knows. i still find the zest creeping back into my body & mind. nice to know it won't kill me after all-
some how i'll get thru it all - AND I MEAN IT ALL - and go rite on. AND I SWEAR TO YOU- IF IT KILLS ME- I WILL NOT END MY DAYS LIKE MY MOM - MAD and icky and mean to anyone that comes near - aAND ALWASY LUSTING after those who don't come.
oh man- GOD SAVE US ALL from being that - a person who always is lusting after the greener grass. my life may $uck at the moment- but it's still better than those guys who are never satisfied with what they ahve that is good. and are unable to see it , feel it and know it in theirh earts.
i may be a jerk and alot of other things they do not like- but i am a lucky girl to know what i have that IS good-
i'm gonna go visit my sister and play with the baby a bit- nothing like a fat little grinning baby to perk a girl up - rite?
thanks for note. you keep me on balance- i do feel like you- i'm not at that extreme courage place yet. maybe this being here together steels me a bit. i think your h coming home always and you being together thru soooo much has helped you reach your "limit" - i'll get there.
i'll work on that tool bag- just like the job- i know i can do it- not sure of any details at all- but just know it.
tra la. glad to hear your voice - glad you're "out ther" hope your day is good. ifyou find yourself thinking "oh no- nero- what the heck is she moaning about today" - jst write and say geton with it woman- and i'll do better. no kidding- i don't want to be the misery girl everyone dreads=-
i'm still laughing as much as possible- not going to hand that in- okay- im outta here- too ramblie -
