I do understand what you are saying, and I see your points...
I have been through this, and I had to make a choice with it. I had the choice to sit back, and be the person that I wanted to be, the person that I was striving to be....
Now I had been accused of being controlling and manipulative, to which I had worked through those issues, or was working on them...
So my choice was to either address them, and actually BE that person, or to remain steady in my ACTIONS with who I was striving to be.
I realized that NOTHING can come between a daughter and a mother, that they didn't cause themselves.
I addressed the disrespect from her that was part of the fallout, and I dealt with things that came up when they did.
I was honest when she asked questions, and I became a safe place for her to talk about it.
I WAS concerned with what she had heard, and it bothered me greatly that we had a pretty rough couple years. What happened with that, is that we are stronger than ever, and we continue to build on that relationship daily. I do not allow her to disrespect me, and strangely enough, I do not allow her to disrespect her Mother in front of me (which happens quite often now).
I lived by a code, that it wasn't my job to facilitate, or dictate their relationship, my only job, was to not damage it ( thank you Grace_O)
What she saw daily, were CONSISTENT actions from me being PARENT to her. And ultimately, what she had in my X, was another friend, and as most of us know, in a teenage girl's life, friends come and go....
Parents stay....
Did I want to confront my X her on her parenting ? Hell yes I did...
Did I want to get in the mud pit and fight on her level ???
Not in a million years....
The ONLY thing I ever said to my Daughter was...
You probably hear some things that you shouldn't about me, and all I can say, is that things aren't always what they appear. You are smart, listen to everything and make YOUR choices based on your own information
Great stuff to think about. I tbink letting both daughters know where i stand and that they need to make thier own minds up is good. Thank you all for your comments. I need to go throw up and then look inside myself to see what i really want. I keep going back and fourth with each fart w has.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
LOL. I NEVER agree with the camo routine. There's always a way to address with kindness and compassion.
JP, you are allowing yourself on a roller coaster ride that is so incredibly pointless, I cannot even explain. 2 1/2 years my H left me. He explained to me on an hourly basis that he wanted to divorce. He was not happy and he had not been happy for well over 5 years. I was, at times, called many unkind names that I cannot even put here. He was in an active affair. He wanted nothing to do with me. He was making friends with the OW's friends. He was done, done, done and he explained that to me in so many hurtful ways.
A year ago he came back. He didn't want a divorce. The affair (that he still denies) ended. Turns out that I was the woman of his dreams. He loved me more than anything in this world. I could do no wrong. (Keep in mind this other extreme is no more true than the first).
You have no clue how this is going to turn out. The group here I "graduated" with had spouses leave as mine did and stay gone. There are spouses in the group that have reappeared. Doesn't really matter. All the time we wasted trying to figure it out did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for a single one of us. The ones who are "successful" are not the ones who put their marriages back together again. The ones who are "successful" are the ones who put THEMSELVES back together again. And you don't give yourself that chance while trying to analyze every thing your W does. I know, I know, you want to smack me. You don't want to hear this. But go to Mach's original threads as an example. These folks transformed and ended up finding themselves in the end. I can't say I've gotten there myself. But I have learned some very hard truths about myself these days. And because I have FINALLY faced these things, I have a chance to save myself. Each of us is on our own journey to learn our own "truths." And you have to take your journey just like I had to take my own. But the longer you distract yourself with what is truly meaningless at the moment (your W's words and doings), you are going to extend that journey.
Lots and lots of hugs tp you as I know this is painful as he!!. I am praying for you.
Did that snooping make you feel better about your sitch? Did it help you in some way? Do you think your D would appreciate you going through her phone? Do you think your W would appreciate it? I hope you see the answers are no, no, no and no. This is a total lose-lose situation, so stop it!!
But since you did, might as well learn from it:
Quote:
W:If he brushes my arm one more time I'm going to punch him.
What's this about? Are you trying to brush up against her as some covert way of working in some physical touch? If so then stop, it's clearly not working and in fact is giving you the opposite of the desired results.
Quote:
W:Just so tired of it. hard 3 focus. He wanted me to go out Friday night since you both will be busy, think I will say no.
Good grief, you're asking her out on dates?? Have you read Sandi's DB tips? NO DATES!!!! If you had any doubt that it was the wrong thing to do, well you know now because your W is making it very clear that it's not what she wants. It's pressure, quit applying the pressure!!
Quote:
W:I am very interested in feeling that way again. OM made me feel that way wanted, touchable, irrsitable. ur dad can be the same way but it comes across to me as annoying.
This is typical, this is why she needs time and lots of space. What she doesn't need is for you to hover and try and brush up against her and who-knows-what else. She doesn't want you right now in any way shape or form. Understand that and respect it. Until you can give her space she will never learn to miss you and crave that attention again.
Quote:
I HATE that she talks like this to D about me!
Then don't give her a reason to. She's responding to your behavior. Change your behavior. Follow DB principals.
