Thanks

[PatientMan]

So I played "as if" as best I could last night, spending most of my time with my daughters. She could tell something was bothering me, but didn't ask me any specifics. I was just going to say "I had a rough day" and leave it at that if she did mention something. She did offer to rub my neck and back.

I'm still so conflicted about what to do. Draw my line and say that "friends" don't treat each other this way, or to just act like nothing has happened and play it cool (I will always have the information for future reference, of course). The man in me has a real problem not drawing the line because the terms I set forth last year have been breached (again) by both W and OM - a clear sign of disrespect. The hopeless romantic in me wants to make sure I don't burn the bridge, but I feel like I don't know this person who looks and, for the most part, acts like my W...

So I have phone records of them speaking over the last five months (I may have already posted that, but I'm not sure because it isn't approved yet). Those are just records to the home phone, so I have no idea how much communication they have been having to her cell phone or anything about email exchanges, and I'm not going to go looking for that information. I don't know what they are talking about and, of course, my mind gravitates towards the worst thoughts, but it could be nothing - it's unlikely, but the possibility exists and I recognize that.

I just feel stuck as to what angle to take with my wife. She is very nice to me and it makes me want to trust her, and I HAVE trusted her, I just wonder if I'm a fool for doing so. At least I have done the right and honorable things (in my mind) over the course of this long process and I can rest my head at night knowing that. I have tried REALLY hard. I have prayed REALLY hard. I have trusted. I have had faith. And all along I have known that none of that guarantees me any results.

It's so ironic how our roles have completely switched throughout this experience. Yesterday was very difficult for me and I thought to myself, "I don't know this person anymore. I just don't see her the same way as I used to." And that really hurts. And I immediately thought of the times when I was sick and she was reaching out to me...she said the same things. "tmd: please change because I'm starting to not see you the same way anymore."

And I didn't listen. *ugh*

And it's thoughts like that that keep me grounded and give me the perspective to keep fighting and working. Knowing that I put her through what she is now putting me through: wondering what I'm doing, wondering who this person is, waiting for my spouse to "come back," hoping and getting my hopes crushed, feeling betrayed, feeling alone. And it's been a really, REALLY tough 14 months for me, and I know you all know how this feels, but I've felt deserving of feeling this way because of what *I* put *her* through. I hurt her terribly and so I can take it. I don't believe in some karmic balance or that one is necessary, but if this is how she felt then I want to feel it too.

But right now I'm still conflicted as to what to do. My sister thinks I'm a little crazy for ignoring what I found yesterday. She understands that I have to be somebody my W would be a fool to leave, but there has to be a point where enough is enough. And I agree.

I'm certainly not putting the burden of my decision on anyone reading this, but any input is welcome.

(If anyone not on moderation could bump this thread so it gets more traffic I would appreciate it. Thanks in advance.)

-tmd