Still Confused Beyond Belief...part 2

[adinva]

I hope therapy gave you some relief. I sometimes start to cry as soon as I see the open door to come in to my IC's office. It just has to come out. Trying not to feel the painful emotions you feel makes it both more painful and longer-lasting.

Sometimes even the idea that you should try to appreciate something in your life seems like piling on. Asking you to do even more, or like you have to be positive even when you're handling all you can possibly handle and maybe a little bit more than you can handle.

I've just been noticing lately that the idea of waiting for things to be better in order for me to feel better is NOT OK. I've been feeling really stressed and driven for a couple of months, like I have more on my plate than I can handle, and that if I just get to point x or point y that I can name, THEN I'll recharge. THEN I'll be better. It isn't working.

Then I read in the paper about a guy who's fighting to save the life of his son's murderer. I hear on NPR about a guy who found out at age 40 that his adoptive father actually stole him while his unit was murdering the boy's entire village. It doesn't even have to be that extreme. There are people going hungry in my county. There's a family in my neighborhood battling cancer in their 16 year old daughter. Life is happy and sad and ugly and beautiful and crazy and overwhelming and sometimes peaceful. Are you OK with only experiencing peace and joy during the good parts? When the other stuff is entirely outside your control?

I don't have the answers to these questions, I just keep finding myself asking myself, what are you waiting for?

When I feel down and things are piling on, and I want to just crawl under a rock, nothing external really seems to ever align itself to make me feel better. I just seem to somehow shift my focus and my perspective, find a way to take better care of myself, and get back to enjoying the fact that I'm alive in this world. What else is there to do?