25 - than you for taking the time to make that post, not just beneficial to Rebecca but to a lot of us!
LMF,
You're very welcome! I too, got lots of help from other's stories or posts, even when they were different. True, We're all in unique situations. (So I worry when people apply "the 37/40 rules" to all situations equally,).
Most posters will ALWAYS say, for instance, "do NOT pursue" &
they say it to every single LBSer. TO ME, The only safe & sure thing to tell EACH/EVERY LBSer -
is not to beg/whine/plead or try to argue your way back to each other. None of those behaviors are attractive OR effective. God knows I tried them all...
As for true pursuit, it usually IS a good idea to Avoid it & detach so your spouse can have some space.
BUT you have to FIRST know what YOUR issues are
AND OR what your spouse SAID they were)
and Do NOT Do more of the same.
Sooooo, If you were a neglectful or distant spouse, (or if your WAS says you were),
or if they described you as "closed off, too uncommunicative, too unaffectionate, withholding, cold, and "gone too much", or that you "did not express love or give them attention"...even if you disagree
(& don't bother disagreeing with how they FEEL about your treatment of them, b/c their perception is their reality for now)
But if those things (cold, witdrawing, neglect,ETC) were said OR are valid, then clearly "stopping all pursuit" seems like a bad idea.
B/C withdrawing would be more of the same. Make sense?
DB says we we try an approach for a sufficient amount of time, and then we monitor for results.
People disagree A LOT on what a "sufficient amount of time" is.
I've seen people give several months of a new behavior before the WAS believes in the change, so kudos to them.
I"ve seen LBSers give up, OR switch approaches in a matter of, I kid you NOT, 2 days.
How on earth could a WAS believe in anything the LBSer says if theyre changing by the minute? Having said all this, about our unique situations...the good news is, however, that there IS a sense of universal experience in much of this.
There are common threads and similar pieces to many of our stories.
Learning from those, is one more great reason for coming here.
Good luck all, may today Bless you and begin a peaceful and or joyful weekend for you and your loved ones.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
