What I'm learning from H stages, myself!

[albamarie]

Journaling
This week has been one of awakenings for my H and some truths revealed for me to sift though. Last Sat night while we were still on the phone I made it very clear to H that if he needs to have EA in his life as a friend for whatever reason, I will reach a final point where I will break all communication with him, and go on with my life without him.

At first he was surprised by my intensity for zero contact expressing how it’s just another human being, one that can’t help herself though life, but quickly retracted his thoughts back to my POV. He then said, I understand, I believe you, you are filled with such grace and confidence, and I don’t dare stand up against you.

Later that night he stripped down in the bathroom and asked me to look at him. He stood there looking lost staring into the mirror tugging on his face, hair, arms and abdomen. He said it was the first time in over a year that he looking at himself, his hair loss and his face showing his toils, he see’s himself as he is today. Fully amazed at the way his face cannot hide all he has been through, he says omg, I got older!

I said nothing as I stood there and gave him what – validation – comfort – companionship – not sure, but he was sharing the moment with me. After he showered he crawled into my bed as he had been doing a few times lately and again slept next to me. As I was falling asleep watching TV, his arm lying next to mine, he reached over and softly held my hand as we fell asleep.

The days have been filled with H doing many chores, still on his video game, more conversation and joking w/kids, still smoking, meals together, and today he squeezed between D19 and I as we sat on the couch with our tea to join with his own tea and his cookie contribution.

He has also slept in my bed a few times and this morning, coming in from his am shift, he held me, with arms (I thought they were amputated) it was nice, we both kind of giggled, OMG! I have been GAL, even find myself needing it more with this peek-a-boo H around, just so I don’t seem to be mesmerized by his testing of the water.

He has been openly talking about our G-child to come and some changes to the house he wants to work on in the spring. He’s gone back to asking me my opinions on some of his ideas, and I have maintained a certain distance, more of a 180 to my typical behavior and attachment to him.

He’s peeking, testing, bringing/holding on to some of his vices, there has been no R talk, nor have we talked about EA again. I don’t want to let her existence determine my R w/him, though I did say I wouldn’t handle it forever, I feel I at least need to see where we may end up and if we will grow into being us, a new us. It’s still all in God’s hands, and yes Snodderly, I do still have many chapters w/H to go, and I will be as patient as I am able with His guidance.