hmm.. I have two different trains of thought. Maybe I'll write them both and some sense will come of them. So prepare for the book.. lol
Either way - I think your H does need to apologize. He did leave and as much as it sukks.. it caused abandonment issues in all of your kids. I think you know that's true.
So in a way - I think HE needs to put in the extra work since he was the cause.
Parents teach their children. You are asking them to reach across the table, to listen to the others perspective, to put their own fears aside and to own up to their mistakes......
.... to the VERY person who instilled alot of those fears to begin with.
THAT is such a hard task for anybody let alone the young'ins that they are.
AND I don't think they see any benefit to that... especially since they are not being taught that by their father. In fact, he is just reinforcing their actions with his own.
He reaches out... to a point ...that's comfortable.. but then retracts when it becomes too hard or too awkward.
He also gets frustrated when he doesn't get the result he desires.
Even his decisions now about where he is working - he justifies with what is arguable very wise financial reasoning.
I don't fault him for this and I can see validity in it all... but I'm not his daughter and I'm don't possess the emotional fog your kids do.
But I do believe that if you want love, you need to give love. If you want forgiveness, give it.. etc.
And I don't see enough GIVING from him yet. I think in his heart he wants to.. but he's blocked by his own fears or expectations....
... but true giving isn't really about self.. otherwise it wouldn't be true.
So a part of me believes your H needs to give more... and keep giving.. and giving.. Much like DB and I believe you say it often.
Consistent Behavior + Ample Time = changes THEY can believe in.
OTOH - My dad never apologized to me. I'm not sure he ever will.. but I don't think it matters.
My forgiveness of my father had nothing to do with him and our relationship. It was about freeing my soul, accepting him for who he is, and understanding that my abandonment issues started with him, but needed to stop with me.
So of course I think your kids should forgive your H and try to have a relationship with him regardless of his actions... but that is also a very hard route....
and to be completely honest 25, I really don't think I would have gotten there without God. So I'm not really sure how to advise that way.
Regardless of what I think - I know your heart aches over this issue.. and I know that your kids love you very much so they will probably go to this meeting.. just for that very reason.
BUT People have to want a reason to stop the heartache. The kicker will be - how do you as his wife AND their mom do exactly that?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
