Today has been very hard. I'm physically exhausted at work. Spring Break cannot come soon enough. It's been a week without meds. I cried a lot today, mainly while talking to my best friend on the phone and at my IC. My T gave me a chapter from some book on depression and acceptance. I couldn't get all the way through it without feeling overwhelmed. It talked about accepting your feelings and what you cannot control and accepting the past.
I don't want to accept the anger and the depression and the crying. That's the only thing I've seen this week. I cry. At happy, at sad. I just cry.
But, it should be noted that since dropping down the medication, I feel everything more. Happiness, excitement, joy, sadness. Everything. It's like all emotions had been put on mute for the past 20 months.
I'm so glad I was on AD when I found those pictures or you would have seen me on the evening news. Guarantee it.
I told my best friend today that I had found pictures. Up until now, only my therapist, one of my paraprofessionals and you guys knew about the pictures. Now at least I have a friend that knows.
I really don't know if I can ever forgive him. I can tolerate him, but I really don't know if I can forgive him. For me, it is such a violation of who I am as a person. It's like... and I don't know how to word this without offending someone I'm sure, which is not my intent, but there's my forewarning.... a Jewish person marrying a Nazi, or an African-American marrying a KKK member. It goes against my moral code so strongly that I think I'm more angry with myself for being with him that I even am with him for having the affair.
If D was not in the picture, I guarantee I wouldn't be either.
And now that we've put so much work, literal blood, sweat and tears, into this, what fools would we be to trash it all? And what's the likelihood that a) I find a future mate who will be a wonderful father-figure to D and NOT cheat on me (statistically not in my favor), b) will work as f-ing hard as he is to make things better (which I'm not discounting by any means) and c) will put up with the f-ed up damaged PTSD-looking person I've become?? Oh, and what's the likelihood I even want to put myself out there like that again? I'll tell you now, slim to none.
Reading that acceptance thing was brutal. I've tried reading various books on recovering after affairs and they are still too painful to read. My whole job in life is to literally control behaviors, and I'm just supposed to let myself "go with the flow" of anger, and depression and invading thoughts??
