I so remember that cold panic in my stomach as the time approached to tell our kids. It is HORRIBLE. I'm so sorry.
I'm noticing a lot lately that the cliffs I think I'm peering over are points on a line. So for your kids, there's going to be an "after" that conversation. There are going to be questions that come up later, and feelings that surface later, and that conversation doesn't end up being an event so much as a point along this line of life, where your kids have ups and downs and learn to handle them all through your leadership and example.
Don't be afraid of their feelings. Know that their pain is magnifying your own pain, but theirs is just theirs. Don't make it bigger in your mind than it is.
My kids were angry and cried a little, and had very few questions, and later many more, but I was astonished at how this event didn't turn out to be the meteor crash I thought it would be for them. This is just reality, and it's sad, but you can't protect them from it even if you want to. It sounds like Teach them how to live through it.
Sorry, ((((((AM2012)))))
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Oh the "It sounds like" wasn't supposed to be there. It sounds like H moved back in before the time was right.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Yes he did. He moved back in out of guilt only. He's so confusing to me. I feel like my head is going to explode. This morning he tells me that he needs to work on himself which he does because he has yet to do that and that he sees hope in the marriage, however he's not willing to work on the marriage at this time. I am Just so confused.
What am I to take from that?
We are wired so differently.
H:37 W:37 M:10 years D:7&5 Bomb:9/7/12. H moves out H moved back 12/23/12-not going well Retrouvaille 1/18 H moving out again 3/14
I can't stop crying thinking about devastated they will be.
You've got to be what the kids need you to be right now. Strong. Get the crying out of your system before talking to them. Emphasize to them that you BOTH love them very much and will always be there for them no matter what. Are both of you going to talk to them together? That would be best.
From my own experience, the kids took the news much better than I expected. They actually viewed it as something of an adventure, having two different homes with their own bedrooms in both. It wasn't until a few weeks later when the newness of W's place wore off that they started having problems with the sitch.
Quote:
I feel that this is a conversation that they will never forget. I never want to hurt them and this is the worst hurt they can experience right now.
I've never forgotten about that talk with my dad (mom was a WAW), the pain is still there. I always swore to my W that it would never happen to our kids, that I was committed 100% to making sure that never happened. It just never crossed my mind that she might not have the same commitment. Like my W, your H doesn't have that commitment. So you've got to play the hand you've been dealt. I know it's tough, but just accept it as reality and be the strong figure your kids need right now.
I'infidele, I have read bits be pieces of your posts and understand that ou were in a SSM for a long period of time. Can I ask a question? Was it your W that was withholding the intimacy? The reason I ask is because the pst ou sent me the other days seems right on regarding my husband. One of my h biggest issues is h can't see himself bing intimate with me because its Ben so long. Did you experience that? Just trying to pick our brain a bit
H:37 W:37 M:10 years D:7&5 Bomb:9/7/12. H moves out H moved back 12/23/12-not going well Retrouvaille 1/18 H moving out again 3/14
First and foremost get a copy of SSM! Really important.
My Wife is the Low Desire spouse, I am the High Desire spouse. At first it wasn't that she was withholding the intimacy, it was just that she didn't understand my need for it. The best description I've come up with is trying to explain the color red to a color blind person.
After time there became power struggles over it, manipulation, etc.
At the end I tried really hard not to pursue her for sex and months would literally go by without sex, until I broke down and pursued again. I'd say something like "honey you know its been 3 months since we made love" she'd say "no it hasn't". I'd point out some bench mark, like the 4th of july or whatever and she'd realize I was right and she'd say "oh thats terrible". but nothing would change. I became VERY bitter. Lots of "well "F" you then" always internally though.
So no I didn't get to the point where I would reject her, but I can see how it could get there. Its like pouting, "oh so now you want some huh? well too little too late".
The way to get past that is to work hard at building empathy, so he can see you are trying to take responsibility for your role in it.
So things like. "H I know that my withholding must have hurt you terribly, it must have felt like I was________, _______, and ______ (fill in the blanks with your own experience. I am trying to take responsibility for it, please tell me in your own words what it must have felt like"
Then the hard part. You just have to listen to it and NOT GET DEFENSIVE. Just take it in and say "God, I'm sorry to have inflicted that on you. This helps me understand. and I want you to know that I'm doing whatever it takes to make sure I never do that to you again"
There will be a time in the future for him to address the wounds he inflicted.
Also be sure to address those things that may have contributed to your low desire. Go out and exercise. Have a hormone screening from your Doctor, deal with depression.
I have tried to talk to him about this but he is very angry with me. How could I do this to him. What a terrible marriage we have had because of this etc. now I am being the One rejected by him and it hurts, hurts so bad. My intentions were never to hurt him. I never realized this impact.
I have been tested and I am extremely low in testerone. After being on supplements things on an intimacy level changed , however he was too far gone. He was at the point that he felt he couldnt be intimate with me. Anytime something did happen he told me it just felt wrong.
Thank you for the advice. I do need to build empathy because he feels that I am trivializing how he feels and he's right. I might be. I do have that book, however I have yet to read it as I feel we are so far from anything intimate right now. We don't even hug, touch. NOTHING He wants to find someone that loves him. He feels worthless right now. All the rejection I have imposed on him has left him very damaged.
He keeps telling himself that we could never be intimate again and this is obviously causing a huge wedge between us moving forward. If he's not attracted to me anymore, I can't change that. I truly don't know what to do.
H:37 W:37 M:10 years D:7&5 Bomb:9/7/12. H moves out H moved back 12/23/12-not going well Retrouvaille 1/18 H moving out again 3/14
Do you have a DB coach? I really, really encourage you to get one.
There is a tension between some of the DB techniques and some of the needs of a Sex Starved relationship that I don't know how to suggest you handle.
So to DB you are supposed to keep moving on, make yourself as awesome, attractive and appealing AM you can been....be the person you would want to hang out with. That makes perfect sense in both situations. However, in healing a SSM the low desire person is called upon to start reaching out but in DB that would be considered pursuing.
What is your H other love languages? I'm wondering if you do some 180's that show you are trying to speak in his other Love Languages he'll develop trust in what you are doing to improve your sex languages?
And to be honest despite how hurt he is, he does have some responsibility to be open to your attempts, he's being a little pouty and passive aggressive. (but don't let that give you an excuse)
