I have to agree with everyone else. Stop snooping. It will totally eat you up from the inside. I definitely see your point though. I also questioned how I would know what she was doing if I didn't snoop. But, it will really drive you mad if you keep doing it. I still have the urge to snoop but I have to keep telling myself to not go through with it.
To comment on you two continuing to ML. My W and I also continue to do so. We are not nearly as often as before but we still do. Just my opinion, but I do not think it is too uncommon for the frequency of sex to increase prior to BD. The WAS is trying to compensate for whatever is missing in their life. Also (and I hate to think about this) but if the WAS is having an A, physical or emotional, then their sex drive is really ramped up because of the emotions and feelings they are having about the OP.
Don't read too much into ML. My W will be in our bed for a week, we will ML, then the next week she could be in the other room. We are currently in the valley of her being in the other room and having no contact. It may be different tomorrow. This initially really got to me. But as time has gone on I just try to enjoy it when it happens and try to not think too much about it afterwards. It does give us a connection whether she wants to admit it or not. I don't think it can hurt as long as I can keep my sanity.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
My parents were visiting for the past week. Last night my wife asked what we talked about. I told her that I didn't really discuss our relationship with my parents. She knows that I did speak to them about a month ago when I was really in the dumps.
She told me that when my mom was kissing her goodbye, my mom whispered to her that "she hoped we could fix our problems". My wife said that things between us was fine. I made a comment that they are not fine, but only OK. My wife looked at me, like what do I mean they are not fine. She asked me what wasn't fine? I declined to answer, and instead ask her, "you tell me?" She said nothing.
Does she really think things are fine? We are cordial and polite to each other, but things are definitely not fine.
Meanwhile, due to my GAL I will be home late on Thursday and Friday. My wife is going to drastic measures to try to line up a baby-sitter for Friday night so that she can go out. This is "things are fine" to her?
I think I made some real progress with DB last night.
Last night my wife went to the gym as she does on Wed evenings from 6:15 - 7:45. She didn't get home until a little after 9pm whereas normally she is home by 8:15. When she came home, I asked her nothing about why she was late, etc. She didn't offer an explanation either, other than to remark "I'm late".
Neither one of us slept much last night. My guess is she didn't due to guilt. My guess is that she hung out afterwards with the guy that she is EA with.
It was tough to bite my tongue. In the morning she asked if I'm mad with her. I said no. Later in the morning she asked again. This time I said I was disappointed that she breaks our agreement and continues to lie to me. She acts as if she isn't and said we'll talk tonight. I'll see what she has to say.
StandingAlone, Prepare yourself what she might talk to you about tonight. Learn from a lot of mistakes made by many before you. I'm not saying she is going to up and tell you there is another man for sure. But be prepared as you have probably already thought that is a possibilty. If she doesnt, then great. But if she does, do not "explode" or beg and plead. Just say something like your disappointed and sad to hear that. Dont even say that you "already knew or suspected" I hope its something positive, but prepare for the worse. Good luck
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
It wouldnt be the worse thing to say, but to me saying you suspected or already knew. Anything like that is going to lead her to think you were snooping. I dont think it would hurt anything, I just think not saying anything like that will make you look a lot better.
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
SailingAlone. YOU WILL CONTINUE TO SNOOP AS LONG AS YOU HAVE PASSWORDS. Tell her to change her stuff and stay out of her stuff. You want to have anxiety attack? Seriously keep snooping. What does it get you?
Good job not saying anything but stop mind reading. You don't know why she was late.
OK, so my wife couldn't wait until tonight. She called me, but from her office she cannot really speak, so she says she's going to send me an email.
It had me crying.
She is in such turmoil inside that she hides from everyone else. She said she wanted to cry half the time, and was taking deep breaths the other half. She acknowledges that she is not herself.
She says she feels very lonely because even though she is surrounded by people, she cannot confide in them.
-- this really gets me, because I know she has told just about everyone we know! We don't have any friends left that don't know. Her best new friend is 10 years younger, single, unemployed, and alcoholic women that she texts constantly and sees once a week. She did tell me before that there are limits to what she confides in this new friend.
Her perspective of my 180's is interesting. She says, "I feel that your life outside the house is great" ... that "I'm on a mission to rebuild [myself]" But then she says she now thinks that I don't really want to be around her.
-- Two things -- first, clearly she has seen the changes that I've made, which is good. What gets me is her interpretation that I don't want to be with her. huh? She's the one who was going to the gym 4 nights/week and leaving me with our girls for several months.
The email tells me that internally she is in turmoil and it makes me so sad that I cannot really help her.
As a follow-up, so after reading her email, I found it necessary to pick her up a little bit. Not sure if this makes sense. I replied via a short email that I do want her, I want her to be happy, etc.
One last observation is that she did not really apologize for coming home late last night. She wrote, "I am sorry that I disappointed you last night. I just felt like talking to people."
I guess since she has not really apologized for anything or say thank you for anything in months, then maybe I should interpret this as an apology.
SailingAlone, I too worry that the W sees changes in me and then states/ackowledges that I therefore am better because I am not with her. My wife stated this at the original BD, you are not happy with me, therefore you should be happy without me. So I would like to see what answers the others can give us. I certainly accept going back to begging/pleading is not the way, just the worry that I am showing how much she didn't mean to me by being better.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
