25yearsmlc

[25yearsmlc]

25, your point about the journey is something I've been thinking too and not phrasing it as eloquently. Today might be all we have, why spend it not enjoying life because we're not at x or y endpoint we crave? I've been guilty of a lot of wallowing lately and will try to use this wisdom to snap out of it and get some perspective. Thanks for all you do here.

You're welcome & thank YOU for your insights. I used to think ahead so much, I'd say "when I'm 80, I don't want any regrets"...but I worried a lot about the next day/month. So my "yesterdays" were filled with worries about my tomorrows and that affects so much of how we view our lives NOW.

H does this too. If I find a travel magazine and want to DREAM of a place to go, H might well say "have to pay for d15's college FIRST", which is 1) not actually true and 2) a big fat drag thing to say.

He means well. H worries about money much more than I do but I also think he feels both guilt about the cost of his "MLC" (Wish we had a different term for it b/c it's more complex than that) on our finances, which were HIGH as heck...and resentment at me for not earning more (which was a choice I made when he left BECAUSE I agreed with the MC that our kids should not lose both parents at the same time...

it's a paradox b/c on one hand, the more he works the more I stay around home but that means the more I don't earn as much, the more he feels compelled work more. NIce circular reasoning here. That is an issue we'll also have to address.


My son again vented to me about h and I called the MC/T to see if he can faclilitate a meeting. D15 says she won't go but I may make her go and just stay silent if that is her preference.

They don't know the MC like I do, so they need to establish trust with him. Maybe I should take them first all by themselves??

THEN if Dr.R- can delineat the parameters for all,

we can have a meeting & I won't worry as much that H will feel ambushed. I do worry about that, and that he or s25 will lose their temper and say something they can't really take back. In effect I worry that without parameters, things will escalate or deteriorate.

What else is my biggest fear? Well...that I'm missing something. Or in denial about something, which I doubt but you never know. I'm a good rationalizer, which is what made my anger issues harder to address b/c I felt "right" to be angry. I'd defend it not as anger but "a boundary".

Took a long time to say to myself, "so what if you're 'right'? How is that helping YOU now?"

AND I think I fear that my kids think they are IN the marriage. They're not. They are in the family.

It's a weird line to draw. But something about them telling me HOW h and I should interact, has value, but is also really annoying. S25 is no expert at relationships...but I'll ponder that...

Also, here's something I posted elsewhere, related to communication.

Many have heard that 90% of communication is non-verbal, but they don't take that in really,

maybe b/c they don't see or hear how THEY communicate. They only recall WHAT they said. I like to do theater and have studied acting. My older kids are in the industry. So,

Here is a script to make the point.

Man to Woman: "I love you."

The End


Okay so the man said he loves her. He must love her, right? I mean, that's what he said.

But what if he said it--

while looking at his watch or noticing the clock on the wall?

or rolled his eyes?

or sighed?

or looked at the floor? Closed his eyes? Winced?

What if he yelled it at her?

What if he breathlessly told her, while making full eye contact and with a wide grin on his face?

Same exact words...very different messages.