From the beginning...

[25yearsmlc]

W does bring this up every now and then, and I tell her I'm sorry she took my comment that way; but that is no where near what I meant - she claims I used those exact words.. Question is: how many times should a person have to apologize for something they didn't say?


If you are making eye contact and being heard, and you are utterly sincere, not more than twice. The next time it gets brought up, you can say

"W, I don't recall it that way at all, but I'm sorry you are still upset by it. If I had it to do over again, I'd make sure my meaning was clearer."

AND OR, "W, I cannot keep apologizing for a miscommunication, b/c I already have twice/several times. I really want to move on, going 'from this day forward' now".


At some point you might want to refer her to the friend you were speaking with if you are sure she'll back up your version.

OTherwise it goes back to HOW you said what you said. Learn from that and perhaps someday, explain what you learned.

Remember this---when a person speaks in a certain tone, or raises their voice, or gives off a negative form of communication then the CONTENT gets lost. This is especially true when the man is a lot bigger/stronger than the woman and is inherently more intimidating.

When my dad yelled at me, I didn't hear WHAT he said, I heard him yelling in anger.

So to ME, "dad's angry again" was THE message, NOT "clean your dirty room".


I imagine you have heard that "90% of communication is non verbal".

People dismiss it or give it lip service, b/c they cannot grasp its' meaning in real life.

Here is an example from an acting class I attended long ago.

So the script says:

Man to Woman: " I love you".

Okay. Seems like he's telling her he loves her, right? So he must love her. Right? That's what he said!

But WHAT IF we imagine those exact same words said the following ways?

-he is looking at his watch WHILE he says it?

Or he is rolling his eyes..or he is sighing...

-or looking at the floor...or closing his eyes? Grimacing? Wincing?

Or what if he's out of breath and hurried, makes major eye contact and says it with a wide grin?

He is saying the exact same words, but sending very different messages.

Make sense?