No, it does NOT "permit" him to abandon you, (which, btw, he already did and never needed your permission to do). I know you meant to say something like you fear he'll believe you're all fine with his departure, but the way you said it shows me you still think there are parts of this you can control.
For a woman that has always had a pretty tight grip on my life and family, this one has been hard to accept. I struggle with how I can "accept" my position while being open to a new relationship with H, even as "friends". Because I fundamentally don't accept him giving up on us, his departure was sneaky and I wish he had had enough respect for me and his daughters and himself to "be a man" and be honest - by which I mean to communicate his unhappiness - BUT I've even learned to accept that because I wasn't communicating my unhappiness either... I just wish he would have been up front. It was so traumatic. We had no idea he had left. He said he wasn't picking me up at the airport and I asked my dad to come get me instead. Then when I got home there was a note on the desk that he had left, was staying with a friend "to get his head on straight", he had already changed our bank accounts so 1) I was restricted access to our accounts 2) I would receive an allowance in our joint account every two weeks and 3) he went to the store and there are taco makings in the fridge. Tacos. Then he emailed our daughters 3 days later who were still out of state, and told them he had not left them but left their mother. That was actually when I got scared. I thought he needed a few days away and would be back soon. It wasn't until he emailed the girls that I started to understand the depth of what was going on. Again, no communication. And what a way to break up a family! Our daughters got to come home on the plane for 7 hours alone, two teenagers crying through airports. It just wasn't handled well and I wish it were different. I could have helped soften the blow to our girls if I had known what he was planning.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
He texted me last night about trying to reconnect with upset D15. I still don't know how to handle that... I gave him a road map back in October about what he needed to do to make D15 feel better.
Mainly, take responsibility for your actions and tell her he's sorry! Sorry for not trying and sorry for all the lies!
What I specifically told him, through tears, was that if he ever wanted to get D15 back he would have to grovel. And he immediately said he wouldn't do it. I pleaded with him that girls feel abandoned, they don't understand how dad whom they always looked up to could leave them without trying to work on our marriage, that he needed to reassure them that he loved them. I told him there were so many lies that he would have to prove he would do whatever it took to gain back their trust. I thought that was a road map. For the sake of our kids, I thought he would try to mend his relationship with them. It hasn't happened much.
But again, I take some responsibility for that because I throughout our R, I was the one giving him instructions, advice, "talk to D17 about this...", "D15 had this happen, tell her this"... what we thought of as an involved parent on his behalf was simply a man that could follow instructions really well. I know he loves his kids, but I did too much parenting on my own and he thought he was doing all he had to by providing financially. But that required working a lot and it was an easy escape because he loves his job. The more he worked, the more I resented being a single parent - it's an easy cycle to get into. Funny thing is, now that I'm officially a single parent, it's been the easiest year ever with my girls. They're older, our relationship has changed immensely, but I'm also not expecting any help from him so it's fine to do on my own. That's one reason I'm afraid to try again, because I don't know how to be in a relationship with him without expectations. I expect him to be there for his girls, I expected to be able to trust him as I have all these years. It seems I have to master that before being happy with myself or anyone else, but I can't figure out how to be okay with his withdrawal from parenting? No, I think in an ideal world he would want to be involved... but I haven't seen that man for years so what am I fighting for? This is where my head really starts getting confused...
An odd thing is that I'd been seeing an IC for years and last spring, when discussing H's withdrawal from relationship and my feeling of hopelessness about it, IC told me I had to learn to accept him as he is & stop expecting more. That relationships grow and retract and we were in a low period but it wouldn't last forever and if I could give him space and stop expecting more we'd come back together. I took that to heart and really tried. I totally let up. But the odd sequence of events is that by loosening my grip on my relationship he bolted the first chance he got. Again, I didn't know he was already involved w/ OW. And I didn't do it the right way. I had stopped nagging, but I also stopped caring basically. I didn't understand that loosening my grip didn't mean turning off the emotional faucet. I REACTED to the rejection I was feeling from him and rejected him myself. I REACTED to his emotional abandonment long before he physically left by being angry all the time. I REACTED by putting in too much/unhealthy efforts into my daughters and nearly ruined my relationship with D15 during that time. I was a reactionary evil mess but I didn't understand why. I didn't have the tools. And I never would have picked up a book like DB because I didn't think it applied to me. I had soooo much to learn.
The cruel trick I refer to is quite plainly the fact that we never fought. We had the illusion of a strong marriage. We enjoyed each other's company. We have similar interests and mutual goals and have always enjoyed spending time with our family and being together. We were dedicated parents together (I thought). Even in our darkest time, I thought we just needed to reconnect. We'd had patterns like this before where we got too far away from each other and just had to make time for our feelings to reconnect. He bought me lingerie for our wedding anniversary 2 weeks before his departure (and after he already opened a separate bank account to make his exit). When I did see him after returning from my trip and discovering he left, he told me I had to make sure to take good care of myself and stay strong. He's always been kind, always been what I used to think was loving. I guess that's where the foolishness is on my part - because he acts now as he did at the end of our marriage. And I thought he was loving then, as he is now. It was all a trick. Because the reality is that he had turned off his feelings but acted like nothing was wrong. And I was too blind, I trusted him. I think H is kind and nice because he honestly doesn't wish to cause me pain, he just doesn't know how to deal with his own feelings in an open manner. They've been closed off for a long time. But his "loving concern", saying one thing but meaning another are cruel. And I've been cruel back. Especially at the beginning. I feel very guilty about the things I said to him out of pain. And I see now that his departure was an expression of his own pain, the layers hidden down deep I hadn't been able to access in a long time. But I was too wrapped up in my own shock and grief to understand his side.
I've worked really hard to GAL since last summer. I was always too wrapped up in my girls and he was too busy working to have much of an outside social life. I think it has made it easier for him to leave, because he's truly only leaving our immediate family, not a large network of support. He has his mother but they haven't had a relationship for years, and I don't have a relationship with my family - we really were on our own island. But that's another story...
My relationship with my daughters has forever changed. Previously I pushed them very very hard for success and, dealing with my own issues since last summer, I haven't been able to anymore. It was a huge lesson learned when I saw my girls being self motivated these past 8 months and I don't have to push them much at all now. I am finally the kind of mother I always wanted to be, where I concentrate more on steering or guiding my girls to make their own decisions instead of me handing down rules to follow. My house is usually stress free now. I learned that MY identity and success and self image as a person was wrapped up in the success of my girls. And of my marriage too. I was very proud of my husband. He is a community leader but my identity was as his wife/mother - nothing left of me. So I'm trying to rebuild. I'm learning what I like and dislike. I'm accepting myself for what I am capable of and not what I expect I should be able to do. I'm accepting my girls for who they are. And I've learned that they're pretty damn awesome without any pushing from me! And I think I finally understand and accept a version of my husband that I didn't know existed. And that makes me have deep feelings for him, because there was vulnerability there the whole time that I didn't recognize. And I know H sees those changes, because he admitted last Fall that "D15 is a totally different girl now".
I am so grateful for the amazing support and wonderful people I've met through this journey. I've made many new friends. I'm still pretty "needy" but am learning. I was so lonely in my relationship and I didn't even recognize it or could never admit it. I've joined a couple support groups (divorce oriented, which has been beneficial with information but I worry it's counterproductive to my goal of saving my marriage). I took a photography class for 6 weeks that just ended, I joined a movie club. I go to the gym all the time. I DON'T clean my house or prepare meals for my kids anymore! I need to work on balance next.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
You've said HE worked too much and HIS priorities were off. But what would HE SAY ABOUT YOU if we asked him privately, why he left or what he needed from you that he did not get??
So when I had a weak moment on our engagement anniversary a couple weeks ago, I sent him a text that asked "what happened to the family we created together? What happened to us? His reply was "we've always said we were great parents together and I think that we lost ourselves individually and together in that process." I agree. He has never faulted me for being a dedicated wife or mother. I was hyper critical and I didn't recognize or accept the love he offered. I told him, and he reminded me in the early days of him leaving " if you can't love me the way I need to be loved, just leave". Well, I guess he did. I didn't know I was pulling the trigger. I didn't see his unhappiness because I was so absorbed in my own. But I always had faith in him because I have felt genuine love from him for a lot of years. I had faith in us, I know his potential and it hurts to see him so lost. I feel instead of confronting his pain, he escaped with working, drinking, avoiding his daughters. I think the main thing he would say about me is that I could never accept him, never be happy with the status quo, even his hard work and financial success has never been enough. But all I really wanted was his attention...
And Jody even spoke of his feelings in that regard. She said he can't see a future in our relationship because he feels he will always be the bad guy. The guy that broke up our family. The one that broke our hearts. He can't see being with his family every day and not seeing the pain in our faces. He doesn't think I could ever truly forgive him, that we could ever truly move on. He can't live with that image of himself for the rest of his life. And I told Jody, you're right. The old me would have not known how to not remind him of the pain he caused. The new me wants a new way of life and a new relationship. I've learned so much about our R and MYSELF that I feel I am capable of accepting my own part in the demise of our R and moving on from there. I did not know how to make myself happy in my R. And I complained and reacted a lot to his withdrawal but I didn't take responsibility for my own withdrawal. That's truly it. Thinking back on it, I was actually embarrassed about how many years we were married starting at about 19. And when someone asked how long we were married, I always said "too long" in a joking way. I wanted more emotional connection but didn't understand that I had to put out that emotional connection to get it. I just reacted in anger because it wasn't there. I did have the chance to tell H last fall, when I was just learning about accepting responsibility for my part, "I know I'm controlling and have too high expectations and am too demanding". It was sad when he answered "no, I never really minded any of that". And even then (4 months ago) that was so confusing to me because I was like, what else then? It's only now I understand it was the withdrawal of love and affection on my part that he resented. And he reacted to.
Well this has been cathartic. Sorry this is so long. I don't know how to rebuild from the years of neglect, on both our parts. Or more pointedly, I feel we could rebuild but don't know how to convince him of the same. I know I can't convince him, I just have to live my new life and hope it attracts some old feelings. It's hard though, because that's kind of the whole point - we've been friends/successful parents/cohabitating for a lot of years. I want to be in love again and I don't think he does. At least not with me. He did say that when he left too, he just wants to not have to worry about anyone else anymore. And the more time that passes feels makes it feel like a permanent decision. But my girls and I will be okay one way or another.
