Finally getting it after three months...

[jp787]

God it is soooo hard, I am going to see if I can get some pills to help calm me, I just cant stop dwelling on this... Thank you VG!!!

[Spartan]

Yes it's hard, the thing is everyone on these boards knows exactly how you're feeling right now.

I only decide to open my stupid eyes when she says divorce. God this is all my fault and it [censored] so bad. If.. If only...

Yep, again most of us wouldn't be here if we would have opened our eyes and seen the signs earlier. STOP beating yourself up. You can't go back and change any of it so it's more wasted energy. All you can do is change you now, tomorrow, and the next day.

It's not all your fault. You own your stuff and that's it. I can guarantee you your W wasn't perfect. Stop taking all the blame and get to work on you.

As far as the things that were your fault...what are you doing to change them?

I guess I am asking if I should even fight for my marriage. I do love her and am starting serious therapy to change

Seems to me you answered your own question.

Do I have hope with how horrible I was to her?

There is always hope. There is hope that you will become a better person. There is hope you will stop obsessing over your W and start obsessing over you and start the work on you.

The hardest thing to get to sink in but it's awesome when it does is the help you get here isn't designed solely to save your M or convince your S to come running back and love us again. It's designed to help us become better people. People we know we can become. People only a fool would leave. If you can do that there is hope.

Who do you want to be?

What changes are you in process of making?

What layers of you are being pulled away?

What GALing are you doing? This is VERY important if for nothing else then to get your mind centered again.

Stay strong buddy and start worrying about you! Let's get to work

[jp787]

Sparton, Tallula, VeryGrateful,adinva, SM34 and littleGTO thank you for your encouragement. Thank you for listening and talking me up. I know I sound like a little baby whining that life isn't fair, but I made a large part of this mess, so I need to man up and do what you all say.

Yes it's hard, the thing is everyone on these boards knows exactly how you're feeling right now.

I know and I need to stop allowing myself to sit in self pity.

There is always hope. There is hope that you will become a better person. There is hope you will stop obsessing over your W and start obsessing over you and start the work on you.

Yes I need this so much. I am not going to get anything accomplished focusing on my W so much

The hardest thing to get to sink in but it's awesome when it does is the help you get here isn't designed solely to save your M or convince your S to come running back and love us again. It's designed to help us become better people. People we know we can become. People only a fool would leave. If you can do that there is hope.

Again I need to find a way to stop obsessing over W

Who do you want to be?

A kind, happy, relaxed, loving person. Ha I want to be the kind of person my W was (hopefully still is)

What changes are you in process of making?

Starting with a new therapist, Reading and reading...

What layers of you are being pulled away?

Nothing yet, feel like my sanity is being pulled away.

What GALing are you doing? This is VERY important if for nothing else then to get your mind centered again.

Going to the gym, spending time with daughters and trying to maintain and clean up house.

Stay strong buddy and start worrying about you! Let's get to work

Thank you for being sportive and uplifting, I need this right now!

[jp787]

jp 787...I have also been thinking of money sitch...H works I have been staying at home...it is all his money really and I know he must now have a credit card going because there are no hotels bills and other items being posted to our account....also so want to ask about while there is no work pay stubs in the mail he brought to the house and why I can't find one in the house after Sept., So trying to hold back from asking anything...reminding myself it does not really matter in the long run...

This sounds really difficult! I admire you for not asking or looking! that is a huge step forward that I haven't got to yet.

Also in IC and this week having the discussion to only spend 1/2 session on marriage 1/2 on me! Feeling like I could talk for hours on the marriage and never really work on the concerns that got me to this point...we will see how Thursday goes...

That is really good! I am starting with a new therapist next week and will keep that in mind! Thank you

So hard to read that you are thinking of throwing in the towel already but realize our sitch is different...keep your head up and goals in line is what is helping me...

I have so many highs and lows... I need to find a way to level everything out so that I can focus on what is important and keep my sanity

Added another 180 to the list to do H's to do list around the house, show him I did not and do not need him for it...helping me to feel more independent too...H's to do list was a big stress in our marriage because nothing was even done because he worked so many hours and was away from the home.

Do it for the positive that it brings to you!

keep head up...keep focused...hope some of what I said might help

thank you!

[jp787]

Text from W to 16 year old D
We went out for dinner for younger D turning 15
W:If he brushes my arm one more time I'm going to punch him.
W:Just so tired of it. hard 3 focus. He wanted me to go out Friday night since you both will be busy, think I will say no.
W:I'm sorry you have to live over there with all of this (this was referring to D saying I am very present, hovering, but not.)
W:I am very interested in feeling that way again. OM made me feel that way wanted, touchable, irrsitable. ur dad can be the same way but it comes across to me as annoying.

Yes I read D phone and should not.
Last one kills me. come across that she doesnt want what she is "very interested in feeling again" but not from me.
I HATE that she talks like this to D about me!

[labug]

That's creepy...for many reasons.

[jp787]

?

[jp787]

please tell me why it is creepy or someone else chime in.

[labug]

It's creepy that she would share those things with her teenage daughter. Our children aren't meant to be our emotional or sexual sounding boards. A daughter if not a BFF.

And since you came on the info by snooping, you'll have a hard time addressing it without your D losing trust with you.

[jp787]

I cant address it as I have snooped. I asked my W before not to talk to D about this stuff, she agreed, but her she is again. What about the context of the messages. To me it sounds like she is or will be looking for someone else to fill her needs, not me.