Very true. Though making a happy home is by far the best. Ain't going to happen it looks like by her choice so gotta be best dad possible. Her anger and resentment is too much. Still blames me for everything. Even this morning. Makes up BS.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
One big adamant "NO!" to reconcile. I did not bring it up, she just felt the need to remind me when I asked where she was taking the kids away for a couple days and she refuses to tell me and I reminded her I have a right to know. Says the kids bring up R to her especially d10 and thinks I put them up to it. I have honestly not. D10 asks me and I console her and tell her that we are moving on. She is refusing to accept it. Whatever they say to her is from them, not me. W does not believe that. She still won't update me on counselling for the kids.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Tomorrow (Monday) is Family Day here in Ontario. I have the kids. Gonna go to my sister's. Still just not the same. Lament I must. My girls are my world and we'll have fun. Had a chat with d14 earlier. She tells me she confides in her best friend since she was 2 about things. Says she still hates it 4 years later. I am glad my d14 has an outlet or two. My wife hangs with the mother a bit now. Funny, she used to dislike her and the former H is a bud of mine that we both knew got shafted. I guess W needs her support network too. Just seems hypocritical.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Thanks BD. yep, that is what d10 is getting. I feel bad for you that you went through that and the scars are still there. She really does not understand the impact she is having on her relationship with d10. She overtly sides with d14 in their disputes. W also says to me that d10 is just like me. She thinks she is taking a shot at me but really it is at d10.
In California, when a parent bad mouths the other parent during a divorce, it's called "Parental Alienation" and one can lose custody for doing it too much.
(So the joke is, "If you want to call your spouse a %@*#%#~!!!!, you have to stay married...
ba da bum!)
Especially in this situation where the w actively take out her anger on D10 for the flaw of "being like her dad".
Very damaging. It'll hurt w's chances in court of getting more custody. (Even in Canada).
I agree it's a shot at d10 even if not intended as such. Basically puts your w's anger in front of all else.
FM Dig deep enough to KNOW your flaws- and that Whatever she says about you that is true, you need to own and work on.
But what she says that is NOT true...don't own.
It's not easy but it is simple (not complicated, but not easy). I use this analogy.
A street man, homeless guy who lived on a grill, used to see me at my subway stop and really let me have it. I was a L downtown and for some reason I must have triggered some memory in him b/c he'd target me for some really vulgar comments. No, i did NOT know him!
Point is, I let it bother me for months. I'd avoid his area, I'd look at what I was wearing and wonder if the outfit reminded him of someone bad, or if my make up was too much, etc.
Finally it dawned on me that the homeless man was insane and didn't know me at all. His "data" about me, was not real.
It did not matter. His "reasons" for it, or his triggers had nothing to do with me.
If you KNOW you've owned your stuff (and that's not always easy) and are working on it -and anything you are working on is being handled so it's not a problem now. (Like alcoholics who are in recovery. Yes they have a problem with alcohol, but it's being "handled") it's not a problem now....make sense?
You cannot let her stuff in...but you must be there for your d's.
IF you have truly done your best to become the best FM you can,
then keep doing that and leave the results up to God,
and go in peace, holding your head high.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks 25yearsmlc! It makes so much sense. Yes, there is "parental alienation" laws here, just hard to prove apparently. Unless the children are interviewed by Children's Lawyer provided by the court. Hate to see them go through that. Financial Statements to be submitted by end of day tomorrow, then next step is 4-way meeting with L's and W and me. They are now agreeing to this process to start and avoid court if posssible. My L thinks it was an idle threat. All her dirt would come out and be public record. No way they want that. I think she tries to get me to react or say something to get something on me. Who knows...she has so much anger. In therapy a year ago she complained that I had a better relationship with the kids.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Hey Ruby and Bug, Thanks for checking in on me....it ,eans so much. Love you guys. I have been quite busy with new job. I am in my second week. It is a good position and more senior than my last and a smaller company which is nice right now. I took a good package at end of the year and could have taken the whole year off but need to use my brain again. My kids are very proud of me and it is a role I have wanted for some time from a challenge perspective. I had been unhappy in the last role for a long time but the money was keeping me there. W has not mentioned or asked anything about new role. W's lawyer is asking for more financial information before they set up meeting for the four of us. Letters back and forth so it is costing....so stupid. They seem to be dragging things along, not us. W spent last Friday and Saturday night at her sister's with both d's. I had a lot to do and got a lot accomplished paperwork, finances etc etc. W has been oddly cordial and more polite since back. Has been communicating a little more with respect to the girls. She has been almost, and I mean almost nice. I don't trust it for some reason. I have been 180ing it for a while now and we are in litigation that is ugly. No bites on the house yet. Lots of showings but no offers. I would describe the mood here as cordial but cautious. Neighbourly interactions at best. Almost feels phony. Maybe I am paranoid. I just know this [censored] but have been doing my best 'act as if' that I can and giving my girls all my attention and love.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
