I'm a little confused after phone coaching session

[25yearsmlc]

Rebecca,

Gosh, lots to say. I'll try to be brief.

First, I'm so sorry you are here. It's a wonderful place to be, for a terrible reason. But "welcome" anyhow.

Second, I have an "administrative" comment. Like me when I began posting here, you've started 3 different threads. Unfortunately, It's much harder to follow your story that way, and I had to hunt a bit to find your whole story but b/c it's early for you, it was not that difficult for me. (You had a total of maybe 12 posts on 3 different threads.

But It's interesting, in a way. It makes me wonder if you don't try one thing for long enough to test results, before you change your mind/approach?? Just a possibility.)

As time passes it will be increasingly hard to track down your threads or story and people miss chunks of your hisstory so, my first suggestion is that you stick to ONE thread.

Then then begin another one as the first one gets too large (which is usually about 10 pages OR the moderators will lock yours up for you...Personally, I like subject headings that make it easier for me to find those whom I've posted to, such as "Confused after...Part 2".)

Third, now showing him your anger or pain (even when you think you are "right" to be feel this way) will NOT get him home. No one comes home to that.

If guilting him were the way to get him home, he'd have returned by now. Moreover, you have actual examples of his NOT responding well to your expressions of pain, so you know it does not work. Why do what does not work?

Now I'll try to address some of your questions along the way...

My beginning thread/outline -

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...361#Post2312361

Since then, I had first phone session with Jodi a couple days ago and she had some good tips, but now I'm confused by the outcome...

My H moved out abruptly almost 8 months ago. We haven't had a lot of communication since then, mostly from his end, so I've been kind of following the 180 and NC by default.

Jodi said to be consistent in my dealings with him - don't be angry one time, crying next time, nice the next time. Okay I can do that... she also said to be friendly, or more specifically "neighborly".

Given your situation, this^^^ makes perfect sense.


He attended a concert for our daughter last Saturday so after I hung up with Jodi I reached out to H and sent him a neighborly text, how'd he like the concert (our daughter was a featured soloist). He replied and we had a couple text exchanges then he said "you deserve a big congratulations!! You put a lot of time, effort, patience and love to make that happen. Thank you. You're an amazing mother". And I replied "thank you so much. our daughters are a credit to both of us".

If I'm not mistaken, this is by far the most positive interaction you have had with him since he left, correct?

That is known as "progress". Please learn to embrace these^^ positive steps b/c you can see that it does work.


My head is spinning, because we've had no contact or angry/sad contact for the past 8 months and now he was being very generous with a compliment.

Then he sent a couple benign texts today about his car & daughter again.

MY CONFUSION is, normal texting feels like I'm permitting his abandonment. Feels like I'm making it SO easy to push me firmly aside and for him to pat himself on the back and say "see? it turned out okay and we can still be friends".

No, it does NOT "permit" him to abandon you, (which, btw, he already did and never needed your permission to do). I know you meant to say something like you fear he'll believe you're all fine with his departure, but the way you said it shows me you still think there are parts of this you can control.

You are mind reading big time and it paralyzes you. Don't let it.

Being friendly to the other parent of your child does NOT equate to "permitting" his abandonment. It just shows you are not constantly angry at him. So if he has created a negative image of you "always being angry" to justify leaving you, then you'd be fueling that fire. Don't give him that fuel. You want to counter his negative images with positive ones.

Like most marriages, You two have had some troubles in the m.

In one of the other threads, you wrote: "But it scares me a little too, to think about trying. Because we weren't happy, I wasn't happy with him. He gave up on us at least 18 months ago and it was a lonely dark period."

So he's seen conflict with you. In the other thread, you wrote:

He texted me last night about trying to reconnect with upset D15. I still don't know how to handle that... I gave him a road map back in October about what he needed to do to make D15 feel better.

Mainly, take responsibility for your actions and tell her he's sorry! Sorry for not trying and sorry for all the lies!


Rebecca, dig deep...now, deeper. Does that^^ truly, really, sound like a "road map" to you? How would you react to a note like that to you?

Doesn't it really just amount to you showing him what a failure he was/is, and how angry you are?


Did you really think he'd slap his forehead and say, "OMG, THANK YOU, Rebecca. Even though I was miserable, (and so were you) I should have stayed and Now, thanks to your 'road map', I see that by admitting what a lousy person I am, with all my 'LIES and 'NOT TRYING', I can climb my way back into my d's hearts..." ?

You must lose the anger, at least in front of him. He knows how you feel. You need not remind him of it again. Don't think that every time you show him an ounce of POSSIBLE forgiveness, you are somehow condoning a darn thing.

Do you want to do as my DB coach said,

and "Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth", or do you want to punish him some more, so he has an even harder time coming home than he already would have?

You also wrote:

So now he's reaching out, "I'd like to talk to you about how to connect with D15. she doesn't answer my texts". Not my problem. But at the same time, I want what's best for my daughter. How to proceed?

Well, let's start by not writing another blame filled text to him. Support his outreach, for HER sake and imo, for yours. The more involved he stays as a father, the more support YOU will have and you need that. The more he feels you two are united on something, the more "united" he'll feel w/you. The more you two can resolve a conflict, the more likely he'll be able to imagine a better marriage with you.

You said you wanted your best selves in the marriage and I think that's a great phrase/idea.

What we know about your h for now is,
[b]
he will not come home unless he believes marriage to you, can be better/different.

Your job is to Show him that it can be, b/c you are changing.[/b]

Before you yell that "it's not fair for JUST ME to change", remember that he thinks he wants out of the marriage. You want to save the m.

You are here, he is not. So equally dividing the effort now, is a moot point and it's also score keeping.

You will have to lose the scorecard. It never helps a marriage. Ever.

Regarding the above exchange of texts,

Don't confuse a pleasant change of pace (progress), with some sort of hallucination on his end that suddenly you are all better now. You are all healed and all is well. First off, He's not a moron. He KNOWS you did not want him to leave.

Do you want him to dread time around you and hate getting another ranting text from you OR do you want him to see the value of what you two created, and give him something to miss?

What do you believe someone finds attractive, your pain and their guilt...OR someone who can heal enough to go "from this day forward"? You see, if he belives you'll never get past this, then what incentive does he have for trying?

The angrier and sadder you are, or show yourself to be, the LESS likely he'll be to think it's possible to be happy with you. Do you get what I'm saying?



But, as Jodi said, friendship is an improvement on our relationship as it stands now. And friendship will either 1) help with his relationship with daughters or 2) be something to build on in our relationship.

I totally understand that, but am having a really hard time removing my heart from the scenario and reconciling my brain to continue in "friend mode".

Any advice?

Well, I think you have to LOSE that anger. At least in front of him.

(And please understand that I was also very very angry at my h. If you read my journals from back then, you'd know I'm telling the truth. I hate reading them, btw. My point is, I've been where you are. And it ain't a pretty place to be. But you can and must get yourself to a new better place).

Here, you say something pretty telling so let's use it as an example for you to learn from.


He's hurt me so badly but I still love him so. And he's so nice to me still, it's a cruel trick. He picked up D17 last night and said I looked nice, why does he do that? But that's the whole problem with the way he left and everything, is that he's always been nice. Too nice to be a man and have courage to tell me what he was really feeling.

In a way, this guy can't win with you. If he has no contact, you're angry at him for "abandoning" you and the girls. If he sees you and says something kind, he's ...a coward?? And if he says nothing to you, he is cruel.

BTW, what is the "cruel trick" you refer to? Is it that he left but is kind or that he left at all? I"m sincerely asking.

And see if you can think of things he has SAID in the past, about not being happy. YOU were not happy for quite some time. What was going on then, that made you unhappy?

You've said HE worked too much and HIS priorities were off. But what would HE SAY ABOUT YOU if we asked him privately, why he left or what he needed from you that he did not get??

Rebecca, understand that if you say "nothing. I was a perfect wife", that's BAD NEWS FOR YOU.

B/c it means you are powerless. I used to feel vindicated when a mc would tell me that my h was "acting like a man without a family" or "being selfish".

Then I'd realize, "what do I DO with that 'insight'?" The moment I turned the mirror onto me, and only me, was an empowering step to take.

Do you see why? It meant I COULD do something.

So this is not about assigning blame, it's about finding solutions. Hence my admonition to "lose the scorecard."

Besides, the reality is, HE has his own scorecard. On that, he probably feels he has worked very hard for very long, and has provided well for his family....he feels he deserves to be happier than he has been for some time. On HIS scorecard, he is way ahead in "good effort points"...

Again I ask, what do you believe HE would SAY, if we could ask? Surely over the years you noted some triggers for his anger or depression...what were they?

And let's look at this other post of yours below (from another thread) to see what we find...


I feel his hopelessness about our relationship and truly feel that if he had a dream that we could be happy together he would try when he was ready... but he's depressed and can't see any good in trying. I want to try now more than ever.

How can he believe/dream you two could be happy, if you make sure to remind him at every chance, that you are NOT happy at all with him? This is why Jody suggested the friendship building. Let him learn to relax around you and not feel judged. That will yield far more good than you realize.

Also, why do you want to "try now more than ever"?


But I'm afraid we'll never get the chance. But it scares me a little too, to think about trying. Because we weren't happy, I wasn't happy with him. He gave up on us at least 18 months ago and it was a lonely dark period.

As noted before, you were not happy. You say "he gave up on us at least 18 months ago..." so, what did YOU do when that happened? What was happening with YOU then? You say it was a lonely dark period. Did you reach out to him more, or did you withdraw?

I'm just recently feeling more optimistic and good about myself and life in general. But that doesn't mean I don't want my marriage.

Why would You feeling "more optimistic and good" about yourself, be inconsistent with wanting your marriage to work? THINK ABOUT THIS DEEPLY...

I just want the best versions of ourselves trying to make it work.


Sounds good! Of course, you only control you. So how are you becoming your best self? You want to become a woman only a fool would leave.


But he doesn't want that

He doesn't want what? For You to become your best self? Or to stay m? We are mind reading here...

So far, based on his actions, it seems he's not quite sure what he wants. I think the good interactions recently MAY have given him pause. He may not feel the same need to flee...b/c he might start feeling safer around you...which is a GOOD thing. Keep your weapons lowered and he'll start to relax more.



and I don't think he even knows how to tap into the best version of himself because he's running, distracted with working 24/7.

THIS ^^ does NOT help you and it is mind reading anyhow...and it's all negative too.

So, Back to YOU...and your d's....and your GAL. What are those? We hammer GAL here, b/c it works. I joined a writer's club, volunteered at a women's shelter, auditioned for community theater, took flying lessons to get my pilot's license, went skydiving, learned to target shoot and deep sea fish, worked out like a maniac, took a pottery class (very weird for ME) and an Italian cooking class. There's more but you get the idea...

I got happy and came to believe I'd truly be more than alright with or without my h. That belief radiated from me and h picked up on it eventually...it's NOT WHY I GAL, but it paradoxically ended up helping him awaken to what he was missing out on.


How are they going? Your daughters are watching you more than you know, so what are you modelling for them?

Even when he left our home he went to live with a friend and still has never had any time to himself to sit and dwell and think. It's been too easy to distract himself with a good time and his friends (the endless frat house), or at work, or presumably with his girlfriend.

Again, back to YOU...and what is the goal you say here below...


I want him alone, in a bare apartment - then we'll see how he feels. But I can't control anything!


So you "want him alone, in a bare apartment - then we'll see how he feels..."

Rebecca, this^^ is not you as your best self. You have to process that anger so that you stop showing it to him. I bet it comes across way more than you realize AND it affects your d's so it affects their r's with him.

My Db coach told me: "It's not a spouses job to 'teach a WAS a lesson' or 'show him the consequences of his choices'...Life does that for them."

it's good to remember that^^. AND you want to stay married but with a better marriage. I hear you.

She also said to: "Applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does".
I can tell you that it isn't easy to do this, in fact it can be Mother Teresa hard...

but it does work and it's not complicated.


Remember to keep the road home, paved and smooth.

When you want to tell him something, ask whether it's consistent with that goal.

Good luck, keep posting and keep the progress going.

[reb9597]

Wow 25 yrs... lots to think on and digest. Thank you for the time and care your spent on your reply. I will say, real quick, that you're right - I was stinking pissed 4-6 weeks ago in my previous posts. I've worked and read a lot to resolve some of that anger, still there but it's not so close to the surface. And I think it's that progress that finally allowed me to be ready to call the DB coach and try to work towards positive living.

Thank you again. I'll have more time to reply tomorrow am. And I do have a pretty good idea about what my husband would say about me. and I really like the no score keeping.

[Lovemyfamily]

25 - than you for taking the time to make that post, not just beneficial to Rebecca but to a lot of us!

[labug]

Another administrative detail because my memory needs help. Could you add a mini history to your posts?

Go to My Stuff up top, then edit profile, then at the bottom is a place to create your signature.

Thanks.

About your concern that being nice will make him think you're OK with the S... You don't have control of how he feels and it seems you get that. You're in the "normalizing relations" part of this. My H is a "nice guy" too and it took him months before he would talk to me, I think he needed to feel safe around me, that he wasn't going to get anger, pressure, guilt.

So keep being friendly and it sounds like you could use the practice in letting go of control.

[jp787]

25 - than you for taking the time to make that post, not just beneficial to Rebecca but to a lot of us!

Amen to that! Wow 25 your amazing thank you, thank you, thank you!

[findingself]

ditto to jp787...thank you 25!!! I need that too!

[reb9597]

No, it does NOT "permit" him to abandon you, (which, btw, he already did and never needed your permission to do). I know you meant to say something like you fear he'll believe you're all fine with his departure, but the way you said it shows me you still think there are parts of this you can control.

For a woman that has always had a pretty tight grip on my life and family, this one has been hard to accept. I struggle with how I can "accept" my position while being open to a new relationship with H, even as "friends". Because I fundamentally don't accept him giving up on us, his departure was sneaky and I wish he had had enough respect for me and his daughters and himself to "be a man" and be honest - by which I mean to communicate his unhappiness - BUT I've even learned to accept that because I wasn't communicating my unhappiness either... I just wish he would have been up front. It was so traumatic. We had no idea he had left. He said he wasn't picking me up at the airport and I asked my dad to come get me instead. Then when I got home there was a note on the desk that he had left, was staying with a friend "to get his head on straight", he had already changed our bank accounts so 1) I was restricted access to our accounts 2) I would receive an allowance in our joint account every two weeks and 3) he went to the store and there are taco makings in the fridge. Tacos. Then he emailed our daughters 3 days later who were still out of state, and told them he had not left them but left their mother. That was actually when I got scared. I thought he needed a few days away and would be back soon. It wasn't until he emailed the girls that I started to understand the depth of what was going on. Again, no communication. And what a way to break up a family! Our daughters got to come home on the plane for 7 hours alone, two teenagers crying through airports. It just wasn't handled well and I wish it were different. I could have helped soften the blow to our girls if I had known what he was planning.

He texted me last night about trying to reconnect with upset D15. I still don't know how to handle that... I gave him a road map back in October about what he needed to do to make D15 feel better.

Mainly, take responsibility for your actions and tell her he's sorry! Sorry for not trying and sorry for all the lies!

What I specifically told him, through tears, was that if he ever wanted to get D15 back he would have to grovel. And he immediately said he wouldn't do it. I pleaded with him that girls feel abandoned, they don't understand how dad whom they always looked up to could leave them without trying to work on our marriage, that he needed to reassure them that he loved them. I told him there were so many lies that he would have to prove he would do whatever it took to gain back their trust. I thought that was a road map. For the sake of our kids, I thought he would try to mend his relationship with them. It hasn't happened much.

But again, I take some responsibility for that because I throughout our R, I was the one giving him instructions, advice, "talk to D17 about this...", "D15 had this happen, tell her this"... what we thought of as an involved parent on his behalf was simply a man that could follow instructions really well. I know he loves his kids, but I did too much parenting on my own and he thought he was doing all he had to by providing financially. But that required working a lot and it was an easy escape because he loves his job. The more he worked, the more I resented being a single parent - it's an easy cycle to get into. Funny thing is, now that I'm officially a single parent, it's been the easiest year ever with my girls. They're older, our relationship has changed immensely, but I'm also not expecting any help from him so it's fine to do on my own. That's one reason I'm afraid to try again, because I don't know how to be in a relationship with him without expectations. I expect him to be there for his girls, I expected to be able to trust him as I have all these years. It seems I have to master that before being happy with myself or anyone else, but I can't figure out how to be okay with his withdrawal from parenting? No, I think in an ideal world he would want to be involved... but I haven't seen that man for years so what am I fighting for? This is where my head really starts getting confused...

An odd thing is that I'd been seeing an IC for years and last spring, when discussing H's withdrawal from relationship and my feeling of hopelessness about it, IC told me I had to learn to accept him as he is & stop expecting more. That relationships grow and retract and we were in a low period but it wouldn't last forever and if I could give him space and stop expecting more we'd come back together. I took that to heart and really tried. I totally let up. But the odd sequence of events is that by loosening my grip on my relationship he bolted the first chance he got. Again, I didn't know he was already involved w/ OW. And I didn't do it the right way. I had stopped nagging, but I also stopped caring basically. I didn't understand that loosening my grip didn't mean turning off the emotional faucet. I REACTED to the rejection I was feeling from him and rejected him myself. I REACTED to his emotional abandonment long before he physically left by being angry all the time. I REACTED by putting in too much/unhealthy efforts into my daughters and nearly ruined my relationship with D15 during that time. I was a reactionary evil mess but I didn't understand why. I didn't have the tools. And I never would have picked up a book like DB because I didn't think it applied to me. I had soooo much to learn.

The cruel trick I refer to is quite plainly the fact that we never fought. We had the illusion of a strong marriage. We enjoyed each other's company. We have similar interests and mutual goals and have always enjoyed spending time with our family and being together. We were dedicated parents together (I thought). Even in our darkest time, I thought we just needed to reconnect. We'd had patterns like this before where we got too far away from each other and just had to make time for our feelings to reconnect. He bought me lingerie for our wedding anniversary 2 weeks before his departure (and after he already opened a separate bank account to make his exit). When I did see him after returning from my trip and discovering he left, he told me I had to make sure to take good care of myself and stay strong. He's always been kind, always been what I used to think was loving. I guess that's where the foolishness is on my part - because he acts now as he did at the end of our marriage. And I thought he was loving then, as he is now. It was all a trick. Because the reality is that he had turned off his feelings but acted like nothing was wrong. And I was too blind, I trusted him. I think H is kind and nice because he honestly doesn't wish to cause me pain, he just doesn't know how to deal with his own feelings in an open manner. They've been closed off for a long time. But his "loving concern", saying one thing but meaning another are cruel. And I've been cruel back. Especially at the beginning. I feel very guilty about the things I said to him out of pain. And I see now that his departure was an expression of his own pain, the layers hidden down deep I hadn't been able to access in a long time. But I was too wrapped up in my own shock and grief to understand his side.

I've worked really hard to GAL since last summer. I was always too wrapped up in my girls and he was too busy working to have much of an outside social life. I think it has made it easier for him to leave, because he's truly only leaving our immediate family, not a large network of support. He has his mother but they haven't had a relationship for years, and I don't have a relationship with my family - we really were on our own island. But that's another story...

My relationship with my daughters has forever changed. Previously I pushed them very very hard for success and, dealing with my own issues since last summer, I haven't been able to anymore. It was a huge lesson learned when I saw my girls being self motivated these past 8 months and I don't have to push them much at all now. I am finally the kind of mother I always wanted to be, where I concentrate more on steering or guiding my girls to make their own decisions instead of me handing down rules to follow. My house is usually stress free now. I learned that MY identity and success and self image as a person was wrapped up in the success of my girls. And of my marriage too. I was very proud of my husband. He is a community leader but my identity was as his wife/mother - nothing left of me. So I'm trying to rebuild. I'm learning what I like and dislike. I'm accepting myself for what I am capable of and not what I expect I should be able to do. I'm accepting my girls for who they are. And I've learned that they're pretty damn awesome without any pushing from me! And I think I finally understand and accept a version of my husband that I didn't know existed. And that makes me have deep feelings for him, because there was vulnerability there the whole time that I didn't recognize. And I know H sees those changes, because he admitted last Fall that "D15 is a totally different girl now".

I am so grateful for the amazing support and wonderful people I've met through this journey. I've made many new friends. I'm still pretty "needy" but am learning. I was so lonely in my relationship and I didn't even recognize it or could never admit it. I've joined a couple support groups (divorce oriented, which has been beneficial with information but I worry it's counterproductive to my goal of saving my marriage). I took a photography class for 6 weeks that just ended, I joined a movie club. I go to the gym all the time. I DON'T clean my house or prepare meals for my kids anymore! I need to work on balance next.

You've said HE worked too much and HIS priorities were off. But what would HE SAY ABOUT YOU if we asked him privately, why he left or what he needed from you that he did not get??

So when I had a weak moment on our engagement anniversary a couple weeks ago, I sent him a text that asked "what happened to the family we created together? What happened to us? His reply was "we've always said we were great parents together and I think that we lost ourselves individually and together in that process." I agree. He has never faulted me for being a dedicated wife or mother. I was hyper critical and I didn't recognize or accept the love he offered. I told him, and he reminded me in the early days of him leaving " if you can't love me the way I need to be loved, just leave". Well, I guess he did. I didn't know I was pulling the trigger. I didn't see his unhappiness because I was so absorbed in my own. But I always had faith in him because I have felt genuine love from him for a lot of years. I had faith in us, I know his potential and it hurts to see him so lost. I feel instead of confronting his pain, he escaped with working, drinking, avoiding his daughters. I think the main thing he would say about me is that I could never accept him, never be happy with the status quo, even his hard work and financial success has never been enough. But all I really wanted was his attention...

And Jody even spoke of his feelings in that regard. She said he can't see a future in our relationship because he feels he will always be the bad guy. The guy that broke up our family. The one that broke our hearts. He can't see being with his family every day and not seeing the pain in our faces. He doesn't think I could ever truly forgive him, that we could ever truly move on. He can't live with that image of himself for the rest of his life. And I told Jody, you're right. The old me would have not known how to not remind him of the pain he caused. The new me wants a new way of life and a new relationship. I've learned so much about our R and MYSELF that I feel I am capable of accepting my own part in the demise of our R and moving on from there. I did not know how to make myself happy in my R. And I complained and reacted a lot to his withdrawal but I didn't take responsibility for my own withdrawal. That's truly it. Thinking back on it, I was actually embarrassed about how many years we were married starting at about 19. And when someone asked how long we were married, I always said "too long" in a joking way. I wanted more emotional connection but didn't understand that I had to put out that emotional connection to get it. I just reacted in anger because it wasn't there. I did have the chance to tell H last fall, when I was just learning about accepting responsibility for my part, "I know I'm controlling and have too high expectations and am too demanding". It was sad when he answered "no, I never really minded any of that". And even then (4 months ago) that was so confusing to me because I was like, what else then? It's only now I understand it was the withdrawal of love and affection on my part that he resented. And he reacted to.

Well this has been cathartic. Sorry this is so long. I don't know how to rebuild from the years of neglect, on both our parts. Or more pointedly, I feel we could rebuild but don't know how to convince him of the same. I know I can't convince him, I just have to live my new life and hope it attracts some old feelings. It's hard though, because that's kind of the whole point - we've been friends/successful parents/cohabitating for a lot of years. I want to be in love again and I don't think he does. At least not with me. He did say that when he left too, he just wants to not have to worry about anyone else anymore. And the more time that passes feels makes it feel like a permanent decision. But my girls and I will be okay one way or another.

[reb9597]

Blech! Just had another realization about why the original question of being friendly is so difficult for me - because we never had a problem being "friendly". As I explained above, he has generally been a 'nice guy' through this entire ordeal. I'm sure he thinks he's being a real champ by continuing to support us financially. we were a solid team and worked well together as "friends". I think at the end of the day we both settled for "friends" in our R and, although I wished for more & didn't know how to make it happen, it appears he gave up on anything more a long time ago. So agreeing & pursuing friendship seems like I'm trying to reclaim what we already had, when we both know it's not going to be enough again. That's where my real confusion is...

[reb9597]

Ah ha moment. I just realized or maybe finally accepted that my H did try. I can't judge the quality of his efforts, but he did and I've been denying it all this time. That's been my argument, why can't he try?

But writing all that history really made me remember a couple things. He was the one that bought the 5 Love Languages book last winter. And he read it more than I did. I read it maybe half heartedly and I don't even think I finished it. I don't know if he did, but it was his initial effort. And I didn't see it. At all. I didn't even see that as him communicating his unhappiness at the time. But it's obvious now.

And during the fall of 2011, D15 had some problems and he was the one that ordered books on parenting a teen and strategies for parents. And I wouldn't read them. I think I thought that he was taking care of it while I was doing the 'real work' of having to raise these girls. And I was scared out of my brain. I faced that situation and hid emotionally, just like he is now. I faced the situation and tried to bully my way through it instead of learning from it. And when we finally made it through D15 sitch and then he ordered the Love Lang book in the winter, I just couldn't handle another battle. I was so angry. And I didn't see any of it until now.

I can see where, if he did even a minimum effort last winter and thought nothing was going to ever change in our R, it made it that much easier for him to walk away. It's not fair that we didn't get a chance to grow together. And I'm eternally sorry that it took me so long. I can only do the best I can and, I'm determined to grow and do nothing but my best from now on.

And I remembered that he even made a comment last fall around the time of our meager MC attempt, that he thought it was 'interesting' or something to that effect that I was reading so many relationship books now, when I wouldn't look at the ones he ordered when d15 was in her sitch. I don't remember my reply but I tried to convey that I've been trying to make positive changes now. But I think he was probably remembering his effort of ordering the Love Lang book and applying my lack of interest back then to that too. I'm so heartbroken.

Help me learn from this discovery. Can I tell him any of this? I'm crushed by guilt tonight.

[hotwheelsaust]

reb9597, all I can say is I understand your feelings when the ball finally drops and you start to see all the mistakes about yourself. I found that place a few weeks ago. Maybe, well I am hoping, it will now make it easier for you to go forward (whatever that brings) and accept what has happened cannot be changed, but what you can change for the future.