I was NOT defending her affair (I was simply imagining her saying what I've heard countless cheating spouses say...) And I understand that and appreciate it
PLUS you said that normally she's a loyal woman and this is out of character for her. So to ME, IF she has already justified the A, that means SHE believes there were problems in the marriage not all of her making...with me so far? Yes I am and would agree. I need to be part of the solution. I have identified a lot of those issues and discussed with my local DB coach
SO to demand she end the affair AND NOT ALSO say "w, I shall also be changing to meet your previously unmet needs...you are not being asked to do all the changing for this m", isn't going to be as successful as you taking on SOME of the responsibility for you two being here. I think you get that. But, here's a novel factor to consider. Agree!
Your view of your wife before this, sounds as if you held a high opinion of her, which is good news, MOSTLY...but My guess is that a part of her, maybe way down deep by now, feels like a different 'not so good' person...so there will be shame.
SOMETIMES shame converts into passive aggressive withdrawals of affection OR it converts into blaming you
OR it just stays and does not get processed...which is really bad news... Her personality is to process...and it takes time. She has the resources to lean on as one of the counters to "i am going to continue to support you working with a trainer but not with the OM, will be to offer to her that she continues to see our local "coach"
It's EASY to forget this when you are in your position b/c you are reeling in pain, (and I know you are & I feel very bad for you),
but HER EGO is about to take a beating. It probably already has. When the WAS gets caught, it's not a smooth experience...and when those boundaries are set on them (and the laws in that state are NOT too helpful to their position) AND they face the wreckage their choice is creating, it can be devastating.
I know of 2 suicides that happened after such an ordeal. This concerns me more than anything and based on her past, this could be at risk and is my primary reason for suggesting that she seek the help of our local coach
(One happened to a WAW on this site and that's a crazy thing to mention, but there IS fallout to consider).
So, PART of your solution plan has to include steps she CAN take that are not akin to climbing Mt Everest, and a sense that you are in this solution based approach, together.
Make sense?
And all that makes sense. I added comments below each of your statement. Again, thank you for the advice. This is all very helpful. Thanks again!!!
