Any WAS's with success stories? I need to hear it!

[25yearsmlc]

Dear 12C,

a small "technical note" if I might...could you write in smaller chunks or smaller paragraphs? IT's way easier to read and follow along...thanks!

Crazyville, perhaps we can help each other. I have posted but my posts have yet to be approved, I guess. I don't know your story other than what I am replying to and it sounds like you are thinking of separating but just don't want to work on the marriage.

I can't say that my story is a success but I think we are making some positive moves toward reconciliation. My wife left me in October 2012 after 21 years of marriage. I drank and stayed out late 2 to 3 times a week for various reasons but I think mostly I never healed from my wifes infidelity in the first year of marriage. I hurt her by holding back over the years.

I have a tough question to ask you, 12CD. And I mean no offense by it. But we are here to help people help themselves...

So are you saying you believe the (SOLE?) reason for you drinking so much, so often, and leaving the home so many nights all these years, is all Because of something she did decades ago?

And if so, What do you think YOU Can do, to heal from it?

What can You do to move forward in your life without pain from that time?

Can you see why this might be a task for you on your own, as opposed to a recently discovered affair of recent occurence (in which case your W would have to Join with you to reassure you, to be transparent w/her dealings w/any OMs, etc. It'd be mutual work, done as a team, etc)

...but after all this time, can you see why your w might be tired of having this over her head?

Do YOU THINK SHE THINKS that you Used it as an excuse for whatever you did?

Any truth to that? BTW, WHEN it happened, what did you two do about it?

Also, I see that your kids are now of college age. So, where are they in all this? What have they witnessed? & Finally,

What does "I stopped drinking...for the most part" truly mean?

[/b]

Have you tried AA? Before you tune me out, please hear me out.


Even if you don't believe you are an alcoholic,

their 12 step programs help people IDENTIFY a lot of their own unhealthy behaviors AND helps you to change them...

and it's free, and it's anonymous. When you fully take in their approach, you'll find it can be profoundly deep.

If at some point you want to face some issues or damage you have to "own up to", please realize, AA is a super supportive place made FOR THAT!

12CD, You don't have to fight this alone.


The intimacy in the relationship wasn't there. I essentially hurt myself by never forgiving my wife.


THIS^^^ Is a very valuable insight on your part. Don't forget that hard earned lesson. (You did well w/that insight!)

12CD, Check out what I have written in my signature block..."forgiveness is our way out of hell." And it is.

I never saw forgiveness growing up. (How was it modelled in Your upbringing?)

Forgiveness is a learned skill and a PROCESS, which takes steps, and choices, and TIME.

Forgiveness is first and most, a gift you give to YOURSELF.

In theory, your spouse does not even need to know you've forgiven them. (This is especially important to people who confuse forgiveness with condonation, which it's not).

It simply means you (& others) are not victimized by your pain any longer. You are not a prisoner of it, so your choices made TODAY, are not affected by or held hostage to, an old wound, b/c you have finally allowed the wound to heal.


We love each other, no doubt there. I never fully realized her pain until after she left.

That is Not rare to see around here, but dang it's still so tragic.
SO---

What would you DO differently, "From this day forward", if you were given another chance?

After all,

she won't return to the marriage

UNLESS she believes it can be better/different than before.

So, what are you DOING to SHOW her that it can be better/different?


It's awfully easy to say "I stopped pursuing & I withdrew b/c it says not to pursue" or b/c she SAID she wanted a divorce (remember that you should "believe nothing they say and only half of what they do, b/c WASs are confused and in pain).

But "non pursuit" is simply ONE strategy in this situation. And it's got to be replaced by another strategy of some kind if you drop the pursuit one. Even just an internal action strategy, = you changing something in you that needs work -

To Become a man only a fool would leave.

SO Be more involved with your kids b/c 1) it's the right thing to do, and

2) no woman is unmoved by the loving interaction of her children, with the man in HER life...be that man.

3) Despite their ages, your kids need you more now, than ever.

HERE IS AN OPTION FOR YOU...CHOOSE ONE OF THE FOLLOWING TWO LEGACIES..."For the children".

Option A--
Imagine leaving a legacy of a 21 year long, mediocre to lousy marriage that probably had love in it but the kids rarely saw it b/c it was so buried under resentments and pain and fears and anger and neglect... that it wa hard to tell IF there was love, but you THOUGHT so...which is tragic.

VERSUS

Option B-- a legacy of loving commitment, renewal, forgiveness and redemption...

Imagine giving THAT gift to your children...

DB 101, do what works, monitor for results, re-assess strategies if the first one does not work, etc. (& Do NOT do more of the same if that is what got you here.)

If your problem was one of neglect, for instance, then isn't withdrawal just more of the same?


We know of the people who are LBSers who plead/implore and beg and then get super angry at their WAS when the bomb drops. Been there, done that. We all know that does not work.

But Lately I've wondered about the number of more neglectful LBS spouses, the ones who know their WAS felt neglected, ignored or devalued/belittled, or worse,

& many of those LBSers seem all too quick to say "since I'm not supposed to pursue, I'll just withdraw from WAS, but I'll call it "Divorce Busting".

But really, they are effectively, DOING - NOTHING to change the dynamic in their marriage.

They are NOT looking within, which is where the real journey is.
They need to make major changes in their behavior or themselves at a core level.

(OMG

I just realized I'm hijacking crazyville's thread. Crazyville, I'm so SORRY!

12CD, I'll try to find your thread again. Geez, I thought it was here. APOLOGIES Crazy.


I pursued her for three months and now I have stopped once she said she wanted a D. That was one month ago. She now has shown some interest and told me last night that she wasn't sure that she wants the M to be over and asked if we could meet periodically.

I said yes, of course and told her that we hurt each other and that the intimacy in the relationship was affected but that as ambigious as the R is that I was here and want to be a source of security for her. She says she is depressed and confused by her feelings and that she wasnt sure if it was fair of her to not let me go if she was't sure what she wanted for the future. I guess my story might be success in the sence that I have changed. I stopped drinking for the most part, lost 23 pounds, am selling the house and dealing with the renovations as my wife signed a one year lease down the street. I have emersed myself in my work and my two children who are both in college. My wife and I have been together since we were 17. We are 43 today. If you have separated or are thinking about it I can tell you that it will have an affect. My wife didn't want to work on the marriage either and proly still doesn't but said last night that she plan to get some counseling. Can you tell me little about your situation? Maybe help me understand the WAS syndrome? any advice? I love my wife and want to see my marriuage and our family stay together.