Compliments & Passive Aggressiveness..Work to do!

[cbtdad]

I'll tell you something my IC told me. NO MORE BOOKS!
A lot of these books are great. DB, DR, 5 LL, etc....
But when you begin to go from book to book you are searching for the magic pill. There is no magic pill. One thing every single book says is Give your spouse space and work on yourself. It is the only thing you can control.
Seriously SM, you are going to drive yourself mad. You have to put the focus 100% on you until your can control your thoughts a little bit better.

You can try and think all you want about what your wife is feeling or thinking, but in reality you have no clue. Why drive yourself mad over it?
Even if she tells you what she is thinking, it doesn't mean she is telling you the truth. Once again, you can't control that.
SM, if you don't completely focus on yourself right now, I will give you one absolute. If she does come back and want to reconcile, it won't work because you won't ever trust her because you will always be looking over you me shoulder because you don't feel good about you.
It's about YOU!! Detach and be the best man you can be

[Tallula]

Dont worry everyone...I am sure W is going to back down and take whatever OM dishes out. Its too early for her to see this for what it is...not holding my breath!

So then I see this. It's normal. Completely ignoring everything everyone says.

I would KILL to have 25, starsky and everyone posting on my sitch. However, reading their advice here is helpful too, of course.

I swear, each time, I won't comment again. We all want to help, but you have to meet us halfway here. Or even 10%...5%...I'm ron burgandy?

[SM34]

Tallula I was not ignoring anyone! I didn't see those posts AT ALL when I posted that line. I just checked now to see if I had responses and noticed there were some that must have been typed while i was typing away really slowly on a smart phone.

They didn't show when I was typing m message! I will respond now..

[SM34]

25,

And I say this with the most respect for such a kind and helpful soul such as you... Why do I get bashed so much? I mean i was asking if anyone thought that being overly nice and overly helpful to your spouse might actually cause them to not respect you, and then end up leaving you. Thats all. I wasn't simplifying it. I wasn't lecturing all of you. I was teaching you, or telling you (these are things I have been accused of in the past by many of you).

If you look back at this thread, where I asked for help with how to compliment, I GOT HAMMERED!!! I WAS COMPLETELY NAILED TO THE WALL.

Yes I did eventually get some good advise, but not before I was told I was looking for a magic pill or a silver bullet or that i just keep asking for questions etc....

Now go to suckerpunch's thread. He suggested he needed help with compliments and no one said a thing about that being ridiculous and how pathetic it is that he cannot do something that is free, and makes people feel good about themselves.

Of course his responses were lead by Sandi, who said "Oh don't worry, we will help you with how to compliment". And EVERYONE, CHIMED IN AND OFFERED RESPONSES THAT WERE VERY GOOD!

I really don't get it. Two people in the same position, ask the same answer, and one gets a pat on the back, and they other gets a 2x4 up his butt.

the mr nice guy part that I thought was me was the tasks part. When I have a lot of tasks, I get overwhelmed. Procrastination and too much mulling over stuff, is apparently a characteristic of a "Nice Guy".

thats where this comes in:

But the fact is, you are NOT - DOING much different. It seems to take you forever to DO a new behavior, w/endless requests for help in doing it exactly right

Anyway everyone, I love you all.. you are my new found family and i appreciate all of your help. it stings sometimes, but I know why it MUST.

Thanks again! Gotta go get ready for the meditation! Have to dig out the yoga mat and bring it with me :}

[Crimson]

SM -

I have been following along for some time now but have not chipped in much lately due to the fact that I think you are getting some really, really, sound advice from the folks here. Even "noobs", like yourself by the way, have been able to contribute on some level.

I keep seeing a few things that are really working against you, IMHO. Primarily, and you have heard this repeatedly from the masses, you are trying to create some kind of "FrankenBust" my cobbling together bits and pieces of multiple approaches from multiple books that are cherry-picked by you based on whether or not they seem to comport with what you are predisposed to believe or understand. Most of it seems to be based on "If I/Then she..." - and it just is not that simple. I told you in one of my first posts that there is no silver bullet. If you keep on this road just like in Mary Shelly's book, FrankenBust is going to eventually turn on you as we, the torch and pitchfork wielding villagers, attempt to run it off. I hope you understand the analogy.

Additionally, you seem to have a natural way of turning off people that want to help you. Not good, SM. No one here is getting paid to do this....well, maybe MWD, but that is pretty much it. By your previously articulated standards, even I am of no help to you because my situation ended in divorce. With all due respect, DESPITE that fact my situation is much further down the road than yours with signs of life and hope. Why? Because I focused on me and took the advice of others over what I held to be true....beginners mind....you have referenced it multiple times.

Furthermore, and you have heard this a lot as well....SM, it is not about her, OM or anything else right now. It's pretty much you. You can study attraction and any other theory you think will map you out of this cluster F you are in - but until you turn the mirror on yourself and DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOU you are spinning your wheels.

There are elements about the OM situation that I have opinions on but since that has not been part of my experience I will leave it to others more qualified than I to discuss.

I guess the net-net of it is this, SM...if you want to be here and listen...learn...open your mind a bit, stay. But you are really wearing some of the vets here down to the nub with your cyclical behaviors. You have taken very little advice and still want to teach/pontificate to people here. You are most likely never going to get the people that can help you the most to agree with what you are saying....has it worked so far? No. If this is going to be your pattern on an ongoing basis, you AND FrankenBust would be better served to follow a different path that you feel would be more suitable to your beliefs. By all measurable standards you are not finding it here.

Crimson

[SM34]

I have to admit, the "How to compliment your w" was an amazing piece to read & give you feedback for. I spent a lot of time on it.

I gave you (and SuckerPunch) detailed instructions on it, which YOU later repeated elsewhere to...to teach others???... MY question was not why you posted it at length and implied that you had "learned" it now. MY question was, "So how did you NEW complimenting style work?" But my guess is, you have not done it yet...

Yes I have "learned" some better ways to show appreciation for my wife, through compliments. I make sure it is specific a compliment and that it is spur of the moment, nothing rehearsed because that is sincere. Then I move on and don't want for a response. =)

So because i havent waited for a response from W, I have no idea if it is working! All I know is I am doing it, and doing it well. Thanks 25! For all your help!

[SM34]

Crimson, I will work on my attitude. I really do like the advise her, and i do take it in. but I tell the honest truth! When i say GAL seems to get in the way of D3 time, I'm not making that up, that is actually happening.

But in any case, I'm going to take everyone's advise on GAL. Will report back either later tonight or tomorrow morning regarding my super AWESOME "Sounds Meditation" session.

[25yearsmlc]

2 quickies...

1) Crimson's post has a ton of value in it. So well said.


2) you see yourself as getting "nailed to the wall" while Suckerpunch get "pats on the back"??

You have NOT read all the posts I wrote to him earlier, if you think he got a lot of pats on the back...I mean, OMG he sooo did not.

(Also, advice will vary some b/c no two situations are identical, AND oh btw, there's no OM in his situation.)

What I saw in him were some pretty negative traits HE admitted to having, AND which is wife complained about...

then he began succumbing to those very traits. But he started to turn things around and recover, when it was pointed out.

He's bravely accepted some TOUGH TOUGH feedback from me, and to my pleasant surprise, he acted on it. Good for him!

Good for all of us who look inside and face those "scary monsters" (e.g., lashing out w/critical judgments, cripping self doubt, anger, etc)

and conquer them...or start to. I think it's a life long process. And it is very hard to do when we are in pain.

I get that. I've been there.

I'm begining to think you need to either take a break from here to really DO stuff,

(GAL for real) or just use the DB coaching,

or find another approach.

We do NOT all have to agree with your choices. You certainly don't need our permission.

But I do refer you to Crimson's post again.

In my eyes he's had one of the most successful journeys around. And as far as I know, he and his w have not reconciled (though I hold out hope).

When you learn to "get" what ^^this means, you'll know you've reached an important milestone. Til then, good luck.

Crimson's post truly has a lot of value in it. I highly recommend you read it a few times. I know I did.

[cat04]

Wow. As Bill Murray said in Caddyshack, "That was a little harsh."

Really, Starsky? Coming from you, I have to think about it. (B/C you are the King of being direct). I'm being sincere.

25,

I am not so sure you were being sincere. It came across to me as frustrated and snarky.

I have watched vets attack other vets and ride SM for not getting it...

Every one seems upset that SM is trying to figure out HIS way to do this instead of doing it their way...

These boards used to be about helping each other.

Now I see a lot of telling people what to do and what not to do, but no real effort to help them understand the hell they are going through. And no real attempt to help them find their own way out of the pit...

THAT to me is frustrating.

If I was SM, I would probably have walked away from here a while ago...

He was one of the ones who stuck out the moderation to actually receive help, and just because he isn't getting "it" as quickly as some might like, he gets to walk around with some major splinters.

How about asking a question, and if you think the answer could be deeper, ask a more probing question, try a different approach, actually use the techniques that DB teaches, of if something isn't working, try something different...

And if you find yourself frustrated or angry, try to detatch from the thread.

JMO.

SM, sorry for the hijack and the drama. We are all better than you have been shown. I hope the meditation was wonderful and that you found some peace for a few hours.

Cat

[25yearsmlc]

Yes Cat, I was sincere. I can be too direct or blunt, but I don't mislead.

OTOH, you raise some fair points. Not sure why this dynamic took place here.

Speaking only for myself, I notice that lately I feel defensive if someone challenges what a DB coach says.

To be fair, I usually assume (but not always) there's cherry picking or serious editing going on by the poster and not that the DB coach is off base.

Other times I think there are posters who want to debate an issue WITH DBing...but good grief, we're on someone's thread...not a "debate" forum.

But Why do I feel defensive about it? Well, maybe it's based on my experience with a db coach, which I have to say, was superb & flawless for ME/MY situation. I have a strong sense of loyalty to her/DBing b/c of it.

Vernetta was a Godsend to me, and I'd had good mc's before (well, a few). But she was exactly what I needed, when I needed it, and I had something like 15 sessions with her. I sort of feel obligated to say all this-like If I don't, then I'm denying a miracle I witnessed, or something.

Anyway, does it really matter? It's SMs thread and marriage. He is here to ask for help and if we really truly try and help, and it doesn't seem to help --

then it's WE who ought to move on.