A New Beginning - after 2 years...

[25yearsmlc]

Oh KG,

I'm torn...part of me wants to say "NO, your h's family has NOT "accepted" OW by any means." OTOH, their "acceptance" of her is more about not resisting something they cannot control, any longer than needed. But it's NOT about you or their feelings for you.

I CAN say that based on experience b/c I've had a brother leave a wife whom I loved very much.

Thank God he did not leave her FOR OW, (which would have been bad news for that OW....) but even so, when I'd meet someone he was later dating, I'd always have to force myself not to roll my eyes at her. ANd it was not the new OWs fault either.

But the point is, yeah, eventually we "accepted" the new one he married. But I still love and keep in contact with my former SIL. And truly KG, I can tell you this with all sincerity, turns out that my brother and she did NOT have a great m.

Like you w/yours, I can now see their issues were there, nearly from the start and she was never going to be truly happy with my brother. He didn't help her enough, period. But she was heartbroken at the time he left her and their d5. She stayed with me and I hated my own brother for doing this to her. (I still think he had an OW in mind, but we never met whoever it was b/c I guess it did not work out...)

However, since then, my former sil has found someone who is much better suited to her. I really really like HIM.

I give you my solemn word, my ex sil is happier with her "new" h, (14 years now) than she'd ever have been with my brother. MUCH HAPPIER.

I think my brother, God love that idiot, realized too late that he'd made a HUGE mistake...btw, his "new" w is kind and smart. Nothing like the first one, but they have less conflict b/c her expectations are lower. I mean that...

anyhow, when you contemplate your h's OW, I can see why you'd feel threatened as a mother. NOT b/c you should be, but b/c I'd be if I were in your shoes and then I'd need a ton of therapy to get my head screwed back on...and my T would have to do a LOT of work with me to stop me from going to scary places...

but let's admit it. Do we really want the h to date some multi-pierced chick with tattoos that have HER ex's names on it, chain smoking...something, drinking and cussing and maybe now & then hitting...our children, all so we can be declared the better moms?

(okay Yeah I know...there ARE moments I'd wish ^^that... )

But I'd TRY to see it, in the long run, as the blessing it is, given... the givens.

Hey, IF she's half the woman YOU are making her out to be (not the woman who gave birth to 3 kids in 4 years AND worked full time TO a busy man who wasn't all that helpful OR Communicative...she'll never have to be. No that's not fair but the good news to me is that your h will always know he put you thru way more than she'll ever go thru...and he'll have to wonder if she'd have stayed, as you would have...)

at least she'll be an additional source of affirmation to your children. Like a superb nanny.

And btw, my kids used to tell me they "miss our nanny"...(ouch). Does that mean they preferred her? I think not. Well...I hope not...

ANYHOW,
I believe you will get where you need to be soon, including dating a good man-- BUT I KNOW you are not ready to hear that! I know!...

...so all I'll say is, while my family "accepts" the new wife, and many of us including me, really do like her, she'll always be a distant 2nd to us...(and my brother knows it.)

YES At the time of their Div, I and each of my sisters did speak up to our brother. He feared we would "disown" him.

I said "Bro, I won't 'disown' you for your divorce. But I don't support it. It's not fair, and you'll never do better than w#1. Then again bro, you have not been a great h to her for so long. I'm not sure it's in you to be a good h...and I'm starting to think you are doing her a favor..."

I meant every word of it. So KG, Don't assume your h's family "loves" OW even if she is all fine and a wonderful "Mother Teresa but in Katie Holmes's body"...and certainly not the way they love you. That's because

YOU are the mother of their nieces and nephew and YOU were there for decades and YOU are a part of their family too....
(and he did leave you pregnant, and there ain't no way to sugar coat THAT & they get that!)

AND BECAUSE of who YOU are NOW & in the past.

I met you. I know you. I get you. I see you. I hear you.

You know what I see?

I see determination, strength, COURAGE, humor, capacity for joy, depth, intelligence, perseverance, intuition, womanliness, femininity, wit, insight, the desire for happiness, lovability, loving ability, spirituality,[b] and more coming....[/b]

You're a flower only beginning to bloom.

Your growth is not linear. So what? It's still happening.

You are getting where you need to go.

For now, be HERE, in the present. No borrowing trouble from tomorrow.

(((( )))))