Here we go loopty loo. Here we go loopty li.

[Raine]

Dawn, I find that too. There are certain sitches and posters I just feel connected to and I keep up on everything they're saying, even if I don't always post back. I would love to meet for coffee too!

...

Something happened today, and I'm still reeling a bit from it. If I had any doubts remaining about "Is this MLC?" they are gone. Sorry this turned into a massive novel, but I didn't want to break it up. I'm really interested in feedback.

H has been reaching out more last few days. Calling for odd reasons. If I text him back, he will immediately phone me. Well this morning, I did what I'm likely not supposed to, but I just could not shake the feeling that I needed to do this. I likely broke all the rules. But I got some real insights.

I messaged him about someone. He immediately phones. I basically just let him know to be careful. He acts like he doesn't know any better, although I'm well aware he does. It's the most real conversation we've had in who knows how long, even though I know he is not being fully honest. I told him just to be careful about regrets. One day he will have clarity and he will have those things with him. I could tell things were heading in the direction of me sounding like I thought we would get back together at some point, and so I said, I have no expectations that we will ever be together again. But whoever you are with, I want that person to be amazing, and it may be a difficult thing to have to confide in that person. I insinuated that I felt he was seeking out multiple women, and he said that he wasn’t and that he was more interested in a relationship. He also then said but I know him better than he knows himself. Hmm.

Things came up about our past. He told me he was really upset with me that he was screaming out for help and I ignored it, that I ignored all the signs. That he judged me for it, but he has gotten over that. I told him I was sorry that he felt that way and I feel really bad I wasn't there for him when he needed me. We talked about not having our needs meet, being in our own worlds and focus on the kids. I admitted to him I was resentful, that I did want to meet his needs but I was resentful my needs weren't being met either and that I was wrong for that. I apologized for things and told him I felt bad I had made him feel that way. He didn't, as to be expected.

He opened up that there are things in his past that are coming to light that he is having a hard time dealing with, but doesn't walk to talk about them. He all but confirmed there was a major event, trigger, mistake that happened a few years ago. That he doesn't know the timelines of everything but one day he will figure it out and will talk to me about it.

Somewhere in the convo it came up about other men asking him about me. I don't know where he was going with this. I told him I am so far removed from any relationship right now with anyone, including him, but when that does happen, I will not be scraping the bottom of the barrel. That these men are nowhere near the caliber I would go for.

I told him that I learned that happiness comes from inside of me, and I can't expect him or any other person to make me happy. And I want to be with someone who realizes that too, that doesn't depend on anyone else for his happiness. And together we will build upon that happiness. I said I've realized that counting on anyone to make you happy is only going to end in disappointment and failure.

I told him my focus right now is on the kids. That what has been going on for generations will not happen with our kids. They will not go through this.

He had to go and said that it was good to know we were still in the same place. Which was really funny to me, but I didn’t laugh of course. I said I’m so far removed from the place I was in. He said, that’s good, you need to start moving on. I said that’s not what I mean, and he basically said I need to move on, and ended the convo at that.

I’m a bit grated by this. I message him again about 10 mins later and I tell him he doesn’t need to lie to me, he really doesn’t. He gets off his conference call and calls me right away. I just tell him I don’t feel like he is being honest with me. He tells me he cares too much about me to lie to me. That he may not be disclosing things right now, but he’s not lying about it. He told me he felt it was important enough to talk to me right away, even though he was supposed to be on this call.

He says he will remove said person as a friend and I just say it doesn’t matter. Just be careful. I told him that he can make those choices for himself that I just felt the need to warn him, although that likely just pushes him further into it.

He says some things I know have been bothering him, like that I will go weeks without playing games with him. I told him that I have boundaries around me. That he can do what he likes outside of my boundaries, but that I am not okay with doing things with him when he has relationships and friendships with other women. He questioned me on the friendship part, and I said yes. I am not okay with the flirting and friendships with other women.

He told me he had a recently divorced friend get all over his case about being stagnant. To get off the pot and that others have been questioning him, but that he needs to do things on his own timeline. He made mention of not having any expectations of us being back together again, that maybe we will move on or maybe and having to come back begging for forgiveness and not knowing if I would ever even take him back.

I told him to let me know what he needs from me, that I know there are things that he needs to work through and as much as I want to help him, I know I can’t, and he doesn’t need me too. I told him I was really glad that he was doing things on his own timeline and not listening to someone who doesn’t even know him.

I told him that I don’t need to talk about all of the stuff. That he doesn’t need to feel like he has to come crawling to me for forgiveness. That I don’t want to talk about those things. I said they’re just signs to me of much bigger problems and I care about him too much to make him feel that way. There is already enough pain.

I hate these feeling that he kept putting out there that he has needed me, and I wasn’t there, in the past and now.

Then he told me this: "No matter what, I love you. I can’t tell you that for your benefit, because I’m messed up. But I love you in whatever way works in my brain that I can’t explain." I told him I love you too, but I don’t tell him that because I know it’s too hard for him right now.

So then a few hours later we start messaging. I told him thanks for talking. He told me it really stressed him out, but he needed it and needed to let me know some things. He said that he is dealing with his stress really well by focusing on the bigger picture. He also focuses on other things, like work. He says he has also been setting a schedule and not deviating from it, even if something else comes up. He just says no because he is following his calendar. He says it keeps him sane.

So then I went back to the post-D friend and said it was interesting to me she got on him. That I’ve come to realize people don’t get what this situation is and want to stack it into their experience. He was really happy I got that, that it was exactly how he felt. He agreed this situation was very different and not like a normal marriage gone bad, turn divorce. I told him I was listening to my heart and not what the world dictates. That this isn't about me or us right now.
...
My expectations are replay will continue for months and more to come, but that I feel better and he seems to feel better, and I've planted some seed that may come into play in the future.