[quote=sandycay]I would take my phone off the hook after 9...your kids don't need this right before bed and during HW hours....PERIOD

Sandy, I've been afraid to do this as he's threatening me with a custody battle because I 'deny him access' to the kids. To hear you say that this is reasonable is very helpful.

In our child visitation rights paper...here's what we put in....

"It is both parents wishes that each child have a good relationship with the children. The children are of age to make decisions and arrangements with each parent."


So good to hear this. It's what my L said to do. I have tried this with stbx but he insists I make arrangements with him. I will have to get something drawn up so that he stops the harassment.

My EX sound exactly like yours...except eventually other than every 6-8 weeks to surface and stir the pot.... my kids have had very little to do with their dad.

It's their choice....I tried making them go in the beginning but then saw the mental abuse he was subjecting them to and stopped forcing and just repeated what the court papers say. It takes me out of the loop....but it does not stop him from blaming me for them not having a relationship. WHATEVER!

Yep, I get it. I just have to detach. If he blames me, he blames me.

Stop engaging...your kids are of age.... he needs to stop harassing them and that is an issue that you need to bring up to your attorney.

Will do!

Now, I will say once in the beginning my then 13 yr old D didn't like what I was doing and said something to the effect of living with her dad (he lives on a boat in another town ...so yea right and he travels all the time) Now, she has the right to make this decision but I'm smart enough to know ...it was her trying to see what power she had......so I leaned across the counter and calmly said..."honey, that's fine....You will have to stay for one year min., change schools, and make arrangements for someone to keep you when he is gone." Because the reality is..he is in no shape to house children nor care for them in his current social status. She knew that and didn't want to ....just a power play.... those darn kids.


I've been here with D17, too.
It scares me to think she might just run to him if I try to enforce particular rules. But really, I know that it wouldn't work if she did. She is just that stubborn that she might try to hold out with him for long enough to damage her chances in her final year of high school, however.

I feel bad now in hind-sight that I let my EX emotionally and verbally abuse the children in hopes to restore their relationship and wish I would have stood up to it earlier.

Document all inappropriate things he says and does.

I do!

There is no law against you turning that phone off in the evening and having your kids do it too at night. Tell the judge due to HW restrictions and bedtime issues with the dad getting them upset you felt it was necessary for the children.

Good point.

Let him know he can call your attorney to find out his information from now on. Stop conversing about this with him.[

Yikes - scared he will call my L so frequently that it will cost me more than I can afford.

You are in the business of divorce and need to take that emotion of needing to fix, be right, try to make him do right out of the equation now.

Yep, It's a legal matter now. Leave it up to the experts.

Treat it like a transaction that deals with your life and your kids....because it does! Look out for your kids and for you.

Your doing great for the most part...but I would stop answering his phone calls. I keep everything to text or email for the purpose of now 3 years later (we are headed back to court) but I have documentation of bulling, blackmail, cursing and mine are always polite and respectful..

Yes, I get this!

He doesn't call to talk to me anymore....because he got use to the kids telling him I couldn't talk...take your choice.... "She's in the bathroom, not here etc."

Now, I am not all happy about the kids lying and I would always email or text back soon ....with some excuse as to why I couldn't talk then either.... and ask him what was up.

I did explain to my kids why I didn't want to talk to him on the phone but I didn't want to be rude either. He was always yelling at me or cursing me. So, they got it..with the explanation I would have written communication so dad would know I got the message.

Thanks for this, it helps so much. Didn't want the kids to think I was refusing to even talk to him.

I also told my kids that if anyone starts yelling or cursing them out on the phone....they should say calmly "if you don't stop yelling or cursing. I'm going to hang up"...if that person continues...don't say goodby or anything... hang up and don't answer if they call back right away. Rinse and repeat

This will either teach that person to talk calmly or they never learn and get pissed and try to spew more.

This taught my kids not to allow anyone to talk to them with disrespect by yelling and cursing. BTW...that goes for the mom too!

Teaching and learning effective communication skills is essential. And NO ONE should be subjected to continued verbal abuse...by a friend, stranger, spouse or a parent.

I will reinforce this with them. I've talked to them about it, but D17 in particular gets caught up in wanting to point out to him how wrong he is and how hard our situation has become.