Compliments & Passive Aggressiveness..Work to do!

[Tallula]

Go to the gym. Go shopping for new pants. Take D for a father daughter dinner. Go for a hike...

[MrBond]

"One question. It appears that wife is really mad about something OM did."

How do you know it was because of the OM and not because of something else?

"Nowdo I go out somewhere tonight or stay home with her? "

Go out with your D. Tell your W that you already made plans and had reservations to do something with your D. If she asks if she can come along, tell her that you're not sure if that can be arranged, but you'll check it out.

[Starsky309]

One question. It appears that wife is really mad about something OM did. She called me and seemed agitated. So, she has cancelled going to see him. Nowdo I go out somewhere tonight or stay home with her?

I am leaning towards going out and Im trying to find a gal quickly on meetup but not sure if staying home tonight is more appropriate?

No, do NOT be home. You don't want to appear so "available," like some puppy dog just waiting for her plans with OM to fall thru, and there you are. WHATEVER you do tonite, make sure it's NOT stay home. Dress nice, smell nice, go out and don't be home too late.

BE MYSTERIOUS.


Starsky

P.S. By the way, the REAL answer here (and the reason why everyone is screaming "GAL!" at you at the top of their lungs) is that you should ACTUALLY REALLY BE busy tonite, so that this kind of question isn't even an issue!!!

[25yearsmlc]

Tallula I will think about this and see what I come up with.

Mr bond, it was suggested that I read the book [*] so I googled it and found the site. Had a little reqd to see what they say and whether it fits me. And I think it does..

FINISH the book before you make conclusions and CHOOSE ONE approach for...I don't know..ONE month??

Isnt that what I shouod be doing? I mean I need to GAL too but I want to examine my character and see how I got into this mess. Then I can change for the better as a spouse. No?

Yes she said he is not going anywhere but of course she will say that. Last night she was going to OM house for a couple nights. 20 mins ago she messaged me that she is picking up D3 from school becuase she is NOT going to OM anymore. Dont believe anything they say, right?

Seriously though. What do u think of the concepts of mr nice guy? I mean is it true that being too 'nice' is what landed all of us here?


Seriously?

SURE That's it! You found the secret to EVERYONE'S PROBLEMS!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU...

(what the he!! were WE FOOLS doing posting here for years?? We acted like different marriages had different problems (???!!!) with some aspects in common, when all this time it was so simple!

All it took was someone SMART ENOUGH - like YOU, to solve it all...)


sheer brilliance.

[Starsky309]

Wow. As Bill Murray said in Caddyshack, "That was a little harsh."

[SM34]

I am sure it is OM. When she stayed with him last tine, when I was happy it was only one night, she came back to our town and actually brought OM with her so he can install some lights for his sister in law (w friend) in their new house.

The next day she wanted to take D3 over there and I said no. Then her friend accused her of only wanting to come over becuase OM was there.

The following day (today) wife was going to ride back to OM town with OM and stay over there. So they had planned to come here for two nights then ride back togther.

But today when she called she sounded agitated and said she is coming home but first she has to drive OM mom (not sure how she came into this plan) half way where OM is meeting her to pick his mom up..

So OM must have ditched W and gone home on his own. Not sure how or in what car. Didnt ask because.....I, dont, care ; )

I found a sound meditation session going on this evening. Apparenly you lay on a
Mat and listen to a sound master drum away all your stress with steel drums of some kind. Sounds great! I have plenty stress to unload!

2 hours until start

[25yearsmlc]

per the book you think it THE ANSWER, in the introductory materials themselves,

here's what hit ME...
*

AND the issue of pleasing others leads one to ask WHY you'd do that. It's not all about being altruistic. IT's often conflict avoidant personalities (most people are conflict avoidant BUT work it out b/c they know problems ignored do not go away.)

OR it's an insecurity. OR a desire for a simplified world view, where it's like Life is a math problem, "If I do x & y, wife will stay."

So, which part sticks out to YOU? The obvious one where it's just YOU being "too nice a guy",

or the other part, where being conflict avoidant and "dutiful"

(b/c that always guarantees happiness & therefore, being a nice guy will MAKE your w come back...)

leads to resentment, a judgmental nature and lashing out??

(Think about the 'noobs' you dismissed here. I'd never seen the word used here, but I guess it's based on...what? "NEWBIES?")

I feel as if You ask for help but if it's not the help you want, you put it down. I know, you apologized.

But I think there's something to how you interact, within these posts, that is NOT working for you well now. THAT has to change.

When we discuss GAL, you come up with reasons for NOT Doing it, and you make it seem as if they're noble reasons. OR that the need for GAL w/other people is "small talk" and not important.

But the fact is, you are NOT - DOING much different. It seems to take you forever to DO a new behavior, w/endless requests for help in doing it exactly right.

I have to admit, the "How to compliment your w" was an amazing piece to read & give you feedback for. I spent a lot of time on it.

I gave you (and SuckerPunch) detailed instructions on it, which YOU later repeated elsewhere to...to teach others???... MY question was not why you posted it at length and implied that you had "learned" it now. MY question was, "So how did you NEW complimenting style work?" But my guess is, you have not done it yet...

Seems you'd rather research 100 OTHER sources to avoid DOING something new.

And to me, the approach you seem to be taking, (Laurie's words and our advice aside), is to DO...Not a lot.

What I see you "doing" is you

Wait, watch, analyze, wait some more, post some more, read some more, analyzie some more, post some more, and wait again...the only actions are to be in your w's physical space a bit more and WATCH and or to touch her non sexually and WATCH for reactions...

your life needs more going on IN it, imo.

You have to change it up.

If that means leaving the board and DOING stuff for awhile, so be it.

Good Luck SM, seriously, we all wish you well.


PS, IMO,

Opening another business is NOT called GAL. It's called working.

[25yearsmlc]

Wow. As Bill Murray said in Caddyshack, "That was a little harsh."

Really, Starsky? Coming from you, I have to think about it. (B/C you are the King of being direct). I'm being sincere.

I got super turned off by the 35th grossly overly simplified answer...we all searched for them, God knows, but we all had to learn that there is NO easy answer here.

I've posted pretty patiently and in great detail...only to have most personal direct questions about HIM, not answered, or glossed over,

but matters re his WIFE or her actions/plans/feelings/thoughts & her History (and her mother's history...) OR OM's history...

FULLY discussed, ad nauseum & more than once.

I just want to see him DO something...

but hey, if it was too harsh, then I apologize.

Mea culpa.

[SM34]

Dont worry everyone...I am sure W is going to back down and take whatever OM dishes out. Its too early for her to see this for what it is...not holding my breath!

[Starsky309]

Just seemed a little harsh and snarky to me, 25, and yeah -- that's coming from the KING of Snark, so fwiw.

34's a big boy and can stick up for himself I guess.


Starsky