Thanks

[PatientMan]

Hello and welcome!

Thanks for your reply!

It's kind of hard to offer much advice since you haven't really posted any details on your sitch, but your M has clearly been in trouble for quite some time.

Since you just read DR a month ago, do you feel that what you were doing before that time was damaging behavior?

I was doing some things well and other things I was completely messing up, though that seems to be par for the pre-DB course. I believe the net effect was negative.

Many of us did all the begging/ pleading/ negotiating stuff that is really harmful before finally finding DR. Hopefully you've made adjustments since reading DR.

I did a lot of that internally, but I royally messed up some things externally as well:

• Broke down emotionally in front of her.
• Lost my cool.
• Chased (wrote letters, notes, made cd's, had flowers at the house regularly, told her I would wait for her/made promises)
• Waited/didn't GAL & detach

Of course all of that created pressure, exactly the opposite of the space she needed, though I did give what felt like an incredible amount of space. I was mostly patient, understanding, and empathetic, realizing that my mistakes led to this outcome, ultimately falling into the depression trap again by being extremely hard on myself, which is in my nature (one of the things I'm trying to improve on). I felt like I was executing my plan well 95% of the time, but I would build up emotionally and eventually snap in the form of that list above.

It probably didn't help that I told and talked to almost no one throughout this time. I had one person who really helped me get through points where I was drowning and kept me grounded in my faith. A couple of others offered help, but their advice was to drop her like a hot potato and that strategy didn't coalesce with my feelings or my beliefs. I finally told my parents after 10 months last October, and one of my sisters last month. We don't have family close to us...most of them are out of state. Telling three family members, people who do care about me, has been somewhat relieving, which came as a welcome surprise.

We have been in limbo-land for most of the 14 months, and that is extremely draining mentally and emotionally, especially without any sort of plan. Plans suit me well so I am doing much better DB'ing, knowing that my actions have a purpose and are helping me work towards the goals that I have.

I did do some things well, but obviously not enough or I wouldn't be here :

• I knew very early on that my problem, at least my main problem, was ME and not the OM. It wouldn't do any good to get her away from him if *I* wasn't somebody she was interested in being with anymore. If it wasn't him it would just be someone else, but it definitely wouldn't be me. Just because I KNEW this doesn't mean I did a good job of execution, though more on that later.
• I refuse to quit. I quit on myself a while back and convinced her that me, the real me, was never coming back. I did such a good job of convincing her that she eventually quit on me and us. I can't quit now.
• I made changes that put the family first, and I have been living them out. The sadness was so bad that at times I had to force it, but (for me) going through the motions sometimes kick-starts the "feeling" and so I've continued to go through the motions during those times I don't "feel" like, those times which are occurring less and less.
• Re-prioritized my mind. This is in the same mold as the previous point, but slightly different. My wife has always been on a pedestal high above everything else, including God. I recognized this is not good, and the reprogramming isn't complete because my wife still takes up a good chunk of emotional hard drive space, but I've made progress and continue to do so. I look forward to hugs from kids so much at the end of the day, and it makes me feel great to feel that way (more on that later). Right now a hug and squeeze from my 3 year-old cures about any ailment that could curse the human race.
• Was a good husband no matter how much I was hurting. I still stuck up for her and protected her from the outside while she was hurting too. Perhaps this may end up being a strategic error, but I stood by my wife no matter what, and I think that's honorable.

Please post some more detail about your sitch, what faults you had in the M and what you're doing about those faults (180's). Regarding paying for a lawyer, again you haven't posted much info but typically our advise is not to do anything to assist the WAS in pursuing for D, that should be completely on them. Good luck!

Some 180's I have come up with:

• Not doing little things for her (getting sauerkraut when she mentions she is out, filling up her van with gas)
• Not offering to massage her
• Not responding emotionally to troubling news
• Listen to her instead of always trying to fix things
• Be decisive!
• Compliment her more.
• Show more appreciation.

The 180's are me trying to figure out how to detach, but still be complimentary and appreciative, while not being a pushover or her "cake", while, of course, meeting my other goals of bettering myself as a person, a father, and a mate.

Thanks again for your reply and your questions. I feel like I have hardly even scratched the surface.