Still working on me

[sweetbabyred]

Dawn-thanks for the positive feedback. I love your new screen name- you sound strong and confident!

And your quote about having a stronger position rings true. I'm going to let OW screw up her own sitch, she doesn't need any help from me.

You're right, it's a fine line between letting them know they're wanting and pursuing them, and acknowledging what happened and what needs to change in the future without blaming them.

I only had to deal with it in one phone conversation and you're dealing with it on a daily basis. I can't even begin to imagine how stressful and tiring that would be.

I don't allow myself to think about OW much, or even H for that matter, but when I do I think it's funny how she's so scared of me. H hasn't seen me in almost 5 months and yet it seems like I'm a pretty common conversation topic when they're together.

Maybe OW can make sure H doesn't meet up with me without her, but I can choose not to meet up with them at all. I just need tax forms and would eventually like my ornaments. Email or the U.S. Postal service will work just fine for those.

And I'd really want to punch her in the face for being a stupid, spoiled girl who thinks she can get by in life because she's moderately pretty. I'm better than that, so I just need to make sure I never see her. Well, maybe in a few years I can go to Hooters and have her wait on me because she's not smart enough to get another job. Ok, enough being mean and vindictive. Karma will be enough of a b!tch to her, I don't need to be too.

[sweetbabyred]

I made it through Valentine's Day. I never liked the holiday much anyway, and this sitch hasn't made it any better.

Today I sent H an email reminding him about the car insurance since it was paid out of my account today. Also told him he could start emailing me his tax forms and any receipts so that I can begin doing his part of the taxes, even if he hasn't received everything.

At the end of the email I put a note telling him that 7 years ago I chose him and I've never regretted it. That I hoped one day he'd see the wonderful person inside of himself that I'd seen.

I thought I'd throw in a nice comment since his LL is woa, and it referred back to the conversation we had on Monday. I'm not expecting to hear anything, but thought I'd try something other than just financial talks.

The other night he kept saying that he missed me and often thought of me, and at one point, I replied, "well, you know I've missed you too." He said that he didn't know that, so a little reassurance can't hurt.

At this point, I think I'm still going to file in April if he hasn't already or shown any signs of trying to R. So I'll change it up and see if anything happens.

I'd almost say it can't get any worse at this point, but I'd hate to jinx myself and find out how much worse it could be.

[sweetbabyred]

I took a break from writing papers and decided to put on a movie. Randomly picked Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I'd never seen it before, but heard it was good, so I'd dvr'd it.

Started watching it and realized it's exactly what H was trying to do when he left. Forget everything about us, good and bad, and just move on. It's not that easy.

I do so much better when I just don't hear anything from him. Because he's never been able to tell me that he's done and he wants a D. And every conversation just has him telling me he's confused and who knows what will happen in the future.

And even though I know better, I still get my hopes up that maybe he's willing to actually do something about it and try again. And I know better, I really do.

When I heard the song "Sweet Nothing" a few months ago, it seemed to describe how I felt.

It isn’t easy for me to let it go
Cause
I swallow every single word
And
Every whisper, every sigh
It swept this heart of mine
And there is a hollow in me


I need to concentrate on school and make it through this semester. I just need to stamp "believe none of what they say" all over my apartment.

I'm sure he'll have another excuse in March for not filing, yet he still won't work on anything. As much as I need the money, I may have to consider what he owes me a sunk cost and concentrate only on getting him to pay the IRS once I get the tax forms and find out what he owes.

And in April or May I think I'll go ahead and file. While there is still a chance we could R after D, it would all be on him to make the move. My hopes and expectations would be a lot lower and at least I'd feel free to date if I did meet someone.

I know I may feel differently tomorrow, but I've just had a bad day and I'm not sure how much longer I can stand. It's almost been two years and I'm not sure how much more patience I have left in me.

[sweetbabyred]

I'm so happy to be reading about S's that seem to finally be thinking about working on their M's They all seem scared, but at least they're making an effort to try.

I was feeling pretty down the other night, but today it's in the 70s and sunny, so I'm feeling better. School is stressing me out, so I can't worry about my sitch with H right now.

I spoke with MIL last night, and she mentioned H for the first time in months. Usually we just talk about us and don't even mention him.

She says he doesn't speak to her very often, because he doesn't like it when she tells him what he doesn't want to hear. She told me that she's never told him to go back to me, even though he thinks she has, or to leave, but that if he'd made the choice, he needed to go ahead and file so we could both move on.

So it seems that she's telling him the same thing I am. If he's done, then file. And she's upset that he hasn't paid back any of his debt, especially when she knows he's broke because he goes out all of the time.

I realized that he still has enough in his retirement account to pay his debts, possible taxes, and the filing fee. So I'll wait until April or May and then force his hand. He took money out to pay off his furniture debt, so he can do it again. I'll remind him that if OW is so jealous of me, they can get rid of me completely by paying off the debt and getting a D.

I'd kept waiting, hoping that he'd figure out what he wanted. But after almost two years, I'm thinking that he doesn't want to let go of me completely, but he may never come back. I can't live like that.

I don't think he'll do anything until he's forced to. So when the filing is done, he can decide if he's going to go along with it or if he does want me in his life. And I'll be okay no matter what he decides. My MIL told me that, even if he did come crawling back, which she thought wasn't very likely now, she'd totally understand if I turned him away.

Who knows? Maybe he'll have a change of heart like some of the other MLCers on here. A lot could happen in the next two months. He's on a journey and I can't tell him where to end up.

[sweetbabyred]

Wow, I've been too busy to post on here for over a week, but I have been trying to keep up with other sitches.

School is crazy. I don't know what I was thinking to choose to go full time this semester. I don't care about a 4.0 this semester, I just want to pass!

Work has slowly picked up. I've worked a few more singles events and some larger events with several of my friends. This events keep my mind occupied and I always have a few people to talk to, so I can't complain.

On Monday am, I sent H an email asking him to sign copies of our 2010 and 2011 tax forms and email them back to me as I need them to qualify for a private student loan. Around 11:30pm last night I got a text saying he'd do it today if that was ok. Better late than never, so I didn't reply. 15 minutes later i get a text "????". So even though he responds on his own time to me, he expects me to get right back with him.

I waited a bit and said ok. He asked if I was busy and I said I was. H said "nevermind. good night". a few minutes later he asked me to call him when I had a chance to go over one point. I said ok.

At 12:30 he texts, saying that it's late now, so I can call him some other time. I tell him I'm busy with work and school and I'll contact him in the next day or two. That gets me a response that obviously I hate him and while he doesn't like that, it's good for me.

I remained calm and told him I wasn't sure why he thought that, but that I didn't want to have any discussions late at night and I was busy with deadlines. His last message said that talking to him was never a problem before and the whole conversation would have been quicker than sending texts back and forth.

It was funny, because he said good night several times and I'd go to sleep, but he'd write me back within 10 minutes or so.

H seems angry about something, but I don't think it's anything I've done.

He texted me about an hour ago asking about signing the forms, so I explained again why I needed them, pointing out that we still hadn't filed for this year.

H then apologized for last night. My response: "thanks. I've realized that I'm not a priority for you anymore and I can't keep dropping everything for you. That is what a wife does and that's not how you see me. If you only want to communicate about finances, then I'd prefer to do it during business hours."

I've told him several times that I didn't like late night conversations because they interrupt my sleep, so I was just restating my boundary.

No response from him yet and still no signed forms.

[sweetbabyred]

After complaining again last night that I'm too busy to call him, H still never sent me the forms. This morning I decided I wasn't going to wait around if I didn't have to.

So I signed on his behalf and sent them in. Then he received a text telling him not to worry about it, that I'd taken care of it.

H texted back and asked if I had what I needed. I told him it was done and he said I didn't need to bother calling him now. I said ok and reminded him that I still needed his tax forms, as it's March now.

I don't work tomorrow, so I may text him and see if he needs/wants to talk then. I know it might seem bad that I'm not calling him, but I've been busy with work and I have a ton of school projects due soon.

And I'm doing so well with my PMA and detaching, that I'm a little scared that the call will upset me.

As for GAL this weekend, I found an Irish festival that a few of us are going to go to and I will be visiting my campus for an All School day on Sat.

And I plan to start another bootcamp on Monday that'll meet 6 days a week.

[sweetbabyred]

OMG, just after I sent this, I got a text asking if I was available. As I was reading it, H called.

My mil's best friend of 33 years passed away on Tues. He also wanted to let me know about SS moving back to Texas, which I already knew.

I think he is still depressed, as he mentioned often curling up in front of the heater in his bathroom and staying there most of the day.

He also spent hours today doing OW's homework assignment while she went out drinking with a friend after work. She calls him a pu$$y as if it's a complaint, but then has him do her work.

H mentioned again feeling really confused and thinking that he was sure he'd be over me by now, but he's realizing I'm the best partner he's had and that there were many good things about me that he's just now learning are so important.

I felt sad, but not so much about us. More so that his life seems pretty miserable and at least I know I have friends that I know love me and would do anything for me. H's bf is too busy to answer his calls and h admitted that his other friends are actually ow's, so he can't talk to them.

So for all of you thinking that your MLCer is out having a great, happy life, don't believe it. Even if they're posting pics, etc. saying how happy they are and how great their life is now, it's all an act. I think they're trying to convince themselves.

What was weird was that H apologized for me not feeling like a priority (from my text yesterday). It doesn't mean much if he doesn't change his actions, but it's something. He also said that I was still his wife, even if it was for just a little longer. First time he's said that since at least the summer.

He'd told me he hoped I was happy and maybe had met someone, as he wasn't prepared to say he wanted to work on things, but he didn't want me to tell him. He also said I could pawn my wedding ring if I really needed money. Pretty sure he was just trolling for more info.

I'm not sure if I could even work on things. But he hasn't asked, so I don't need to worry about it now. If nothing changes, I still think I'll be filing in April, just so I can give myself closure.

[LJC]

H mentioned again feeling really confused and thinking that he was sure he'd be over me by now, but he's realizing I'm the best partner he's had and that there were many good things about me that he's just now learning are so important.

Hang in there SBR! Sounds like your doing great it really does and like you said you are the better option. Sounds like the fog maybe lifting if the above comment that you posted is anything to go by?

[sweetbabyred]

LJC, nice to see you back! It does seem as if he's getting glimpses out of the fog, but I'm not sure if he's strong enough to take any action.

H mentioned that he keeps hearing two conflicting ideas. One person (which I figured out is me) keeps telling him he's a good person and he needs to become the strong person that he really is. The other (OW) keeps calling him a pu$$y and telling him to become a man. Ironically, then she has him do her homework!

After we got off the phone, I sent him a text telling him that the best way to show he wasn't a pu$$y was to stop doing her homework. I told him that he was better than that.

His response was that he didn't want me to think little of him.

I told him I'd always love him and that he deserves better. Because I care about him, I'd tell him the truth, just like his family and real friends would.

He thanked me for telling the truth and I told him that he might have gotten off easy because I'd done shots of tequila right after work to celebrate a friend's birthday and I tend to be better at censoring myself when I've had some alcohol.

Then for some reason, I didn't get text messages for about an hour, but H had been sending them. So all of a sudden I keep getting old messages.

First he sounded sad that I needed to drink before talking to him (like I had any idea he was going to call!), then said he still loved me and always would, that he knew I'd changed and wished it had happened when we were still together, then that he was going to drink until passed out. Another message wished me a nice life and said he'd never bug me again. The last said it was rude of me not to reply.

It was strange to have him chasing after me. I did text him back and we had a conversation for almost two hours. He had been drinking so who knows how much of it he'll remember.

H admitted that he doesn't feel very smart, and although he thinks he might have picked the right partner with me, he's scared to try again in case it goes wrong again.

It's so sad that he's going through this. But I guess this is what I went through about two years ago and he's finally starting to deal with his issues. I hope he does something about it. We might not be able to save our M, but he needs to save himself.

I've got to get back to school work, so I don't feel guilty about taking the night off to go to the Irish Festival.

[sweetbabyred]

Oh, I forgot to mention that he's still really wanting to have a family, so we discussed that for a bit. I reminded him that he already had a son, so he was a step ahead of me.

H was sad that he didn't get to see his son often, but I reminded him that he'd be back in Texas in about three weeks.

I told him that he'd be an example for his son again and had to decide what sort of man he wanted to show him and what sort of people he wanted him to be around.

That seemed to hit him pretty hard. If nothing else, I really hope that he can put his son first. I just don't want SS to be put in any bad situations or around people who don't value education and hard work.