Once a muse...

[SugarBaby31]

Journaling:

H and I have had little contact since he returned to work, mostly about work and once about the kids. It makes me so sad that his busy schedule and this "fog" has caused him to miss so much of the kids growing up. He rarely asks about them.

When I first approached this 5 month time apart, it made me ache to my stomach but I see more and more that it's really helping me detach. Maybe too well. The thought of H with the OW used to stab me in the heart. Thinking about it today, it's like thinking about a friend who is destroying their life with terrible choices. SMH

Speaking of the OW, I've learned of 2 since we separated. One was brief, the other is on-going. H doesn't know that I know details. H told me that he would tell me if he started seeing someone but has yet to disclose anything. Why? Is it not that serious? Does he know that what he is doing is wrong and still can't bear to be honest with me? Does he fear hurting me? Or, is he trying to keep the door at home open? Too many questions I won't get answers to...at least not now. All I know now is that I can only control the way I respond to him if/when he tells me, which will be somewhere along the lines of, "I appreciate your honesty. Thank you for telling me."

I'm finally getting a grasp of being a single mom, which was a huge subject of argument for H and I. I was overwhelmed with all the responsibilities I was juggling. Now, I just have to jump right in and not get so frustrated. I can choose my reaction and behavior toward the sitch. I don't have any support from family, I'm flying solo raising these kids. But I can do it. With the grace of God I can and have to.

Interesting turn of events, H called me last two nights in a row. Monday he phoned at 11:30pm, well after work ended around 9pm. I didn't answer and he didn't leave a message. Last night he called at 9:30pm leaving a message to the effect of "Hi, just wanted to see how you're doing. Its been a while since we talked..." I didn't answer for two reasons 1) It's late and the kids are in bed and 2) It's time to not be so available to H, I have a life too. First thing this morning he texted to see how I was, mentioned something about calling last night and not hearing back, and lastly asking why I unfriended him on FB, wondering if I as mad at him. Hmm. Wow, this is a different. I was pleasant with H, keeping the replies short, apologizing for not getting back to him sooner, explaining I was busy. About FB, I simply said that I thought I was doing us both a favor based on our last R conversation. I assured him we didn't need to be FB friends to be friends with a ":-)" at the end. He responded with relief and says he wanted to share about work. H also asked to speak with S2 this evening. After considering this carefully, I responded enthusiastically that S2 would love to speak with him, but we will try. H pleaded that I "make time" and I suggested he phone us at the said time. Moments later he texts back "Yes!!!". Is this my old H, not the shell that would show it's face around my house for the past 3 months? We shall see.

The exchange reminds me of a book I read while in college "The Rules about Dating". I remember playing hard to get and training the guy to see that my time was valuable--eventually they would get the hint and purse. That's exactly how I hooked H because I knew he was "the one". DB is "The Rules" 2.0 but in much more meaningful way because it's not just strategy, but I true change in behavior and thinking. I already feel like more a dignified and respectable woman for it.