Compliments & Passive Aggressiveness..Work to do!

[SM34]

You are right guys. I need to start the GAL more. Going out with friends here and there is not enough.

Last night I downloaded the meetup.com app onto my phone and found lots of things that I can do around town.

My problem with GAL is that it cuts into daughter time =( By the time she is in bed, the only GAL options are BARS and CLUBS which I do NOT enjoy much.

Its a sad day today. W told me that her best friend from childhood has stopped talking to her. Also, in my last post I took a stand against W taking D3 to her friends house who is also OM sister in law. Well they had a fall out for the same reason I had told my wife. "You never care to take D3 to her house to play with her daughters. Suddenly today it is important?". So her friend accused her of only wanting to come over and bring D3 because OM is there, and not because she cares about a play date, and pointed out that she has never brought D3 over for a play date on a week day, ever.

Starsky, if you are reading this, I know exactly how you feel now. You had said before that the hardest thing you had to do was watch your W, the woman you love, self destruct. I believe my W is starting the self destruct sequence and all I can do is stand by until no one is left in her life except OM.

I take over my new business location on Friday. Planning a big Grand opening party to invite lots of customers to the new location. That will probably be not this Sunday but the following one. Is that a GAL activity?

On meetup.com I found several things I liked and clicked on "Join Group" but have to wait for mods to accept. I actually did that BEFORE I read all of your comments since I was not on here last night. I am trying to lay off a little and take a little break.

Will try to pop in to read comments on my thread every day, but will probably not post much for a little while. Lets see what happens over the next few days.

[Tallula]

Ok. Here is the deal. My suggestion. Yes, I did WAAAY to much for my H. Sunday, in anger, he yelled that he doesn't mind doing all those things for himself. You have no idea what will happen IF she lives in reality, leaves OM, stays with YOU, finds another OM...the possibilites are endless.

Make a list of things YOU don't like about you. That you do too much for her, messy, etc (not saying these are your things, just examples) Then come here, post 3 things you will do this week. Like:

1. organize bedroom closet
2. Read a book, instead of clean W's <insert thing you do>
3. Go to movie by myself, run a mile, do weight workout

Don't come on here and talk about what W is doing. Tell us what YOU are doing.

I also think you need to stop talking to MIL about your M. This could really backfire. You are trying to get her to help you convice your W you are the best choice.

It is so painful to watch your S self destruct. I'm doing it myself. H is alone. But this is not my problem. I can't fix it, only he can.

[Starsky309]

I still think their relationship wont work out. She doesnt want to leave our house or get a job. Thd trust factor is going to be impossible for OM as long as she lives with me.

Maybe I'm misreading when you say stuff like this so let me just ask you, do you think that if you wait long enough she'll just get tired of OM and come back to you to reconcile? I definitely agree with you that the A is not going to last. It'll bomb at some point. But I'm not sure she'll see you as the better option so much as go seek out a different OM.

I just don't get the impression that you are doing anything different. You've talked a lot about what GAL activities you're going to start some day, but I haven't seen you talk about any that you've started or are actively involved in. 99% of your posts are all about analyizing and scrutinizing your W's every move- what it means, how it compares to historical data, where it puts her on the timeline, etc. etc. etc. I don't know for sure, but I suspect this is "more of the same" behavior for you, you were probably like this in the M. Michele talks about in DR how we are creatures of habit, and how we insist that we've "tried everything" but that if we really take a hard, unbiased look at what we are doing we discover that we're really doing the same old thing over and over again but giving it a different name or changing it only slightly to convince ourselves it's something different. All that does is frustrate us because we don't understand why it doesn't work. It doesn't work because it is MORE OF THE SAME!!!!

After all this time I think you are still engaging in more of the same behavior. I've offered you this challenge before, but here it is again: how about you just quit posting here for a while- a few days, maybe a week; and take that time to actually do something to get a life? Take that first step!! Quit obsessing over this! Detach! Give it a try, you will be surprised to find how much it helps. And then you'll know why we keep telling you that you have to do this to heal yourself and maybe your M.

Starsky

[MrBond]

So you're not satisfied with the Marriage Builders, DB and little pill strategies, so you're now looking at [*]. You're still looking for that magic bullet. Or trying to understand your W rather than really UNDERSTANDING your W.

"I am certain the A will end, that much I know. They already have trust issues and now everyone is turning against them. "

Mindreading. Didn't she just tell you that he isn't going anywhere? You still focus so much on the A that you're not concentrating on yourself.

[SM34]

Tallula I will think about this and see what I come up with.

Mr bond, it was suggested that I read the book [*] so I googled it and found the site. Had a little reqd to see what they say and whether it fits me. And I think it does..

Isnt that what I shouod be doing? I mean I need to GAL too but I want to examine my character and see how I got into this mess. Then I can change for the better as a spouse. No?

Yes she said he is not going anywhere but of course she will say that. Last night she was going to OM house for a couple nights. 20 mins ago she messaged me that she is picking up D3 from school becuase she is NOT going to OM anymore. Dont believe anything they say, right?

Seriously though. What do u think of the concepts of mr nice guy? I mean is it true that being too 'nice' is what landed all of us here?

Also as far as MIL everything I quote from her is more han one month old. I stopped discussing my issues with her because I know she talks to my w and I dont want to have anything come back and bite me in the butt.

[Starsky309]

Tallula I will think about this and see what I come up with.

Mr bond, it was suggested that I read the book [*] so I googled it and found the site. Had a little reqd to see what they say and whether it fits me. And I think it does..

Isnt that what I shouod be doing? I mean I need to GAL too but I want to examine my character and see how I got into this mess. Then I can change for the better as a spouse. No?

Yes, DB teaches us to work on ourselves ("our side of the street.") For each of us, the ideal way to do that will fall somewhere along the "Introspection" vs. "Action" continuum.

I think what people are trying to tell you, SM, is that they have a strong hunch you don't have a problem with the "introspection" part.


Starsky

[MrBond]

"Had a little reqd to see what they say and whether it fits me. And I think it does.."

You said that about all of the things you've read, or at least have chosen to pick what you "think" applies only to you. Oftentimes these plans conflict with one another which is why you haven't been able to move forward.

"Isnt that what I shouod be doing? I mean I need to GAL too but I want to examine my character and see how I got into this mess."

of course that's fine. However you're doing so much of that you stopped working on the GAL and actual doing.

"Seriously though. What do u think of the concepts of mr nice guy? I mean is it true that being too 'nice' is what landed all of us here?"

Of course not. That's the problem with things like the pill guy and the [*] philosophy. Every situation is different despite what they would like you to believe. In fact, studies have shown that A's happen all the time in marriages where everything is great. Some women like the "nice guy" while others want to be challenged. You can't apply a one-size-fits-all solution to ALL women. Just like how there are different types of men. Not all women are attracted to the 'bad boy' and vice versa. You're just confusing yourself.

[Tallula]

Of course not. That's the problem with things like the pill guy and the [*] philosophy. Every situation is different despite what they would like you to believe. In fact, studies have shown that A's happen all the time in marriages where everything is great. Some women like the "nice guy" while others want to be challenged. You can't apply a one-size-fits-all solution to ALL women. Just like how there are different types of men. Not all women are attracted to the 'bad boy' and vice versa. You're just confusing yourself.

Alright. I'm going to really lay out my sitch for you. First 8 years of R/M...great R. My H has said this multiple times in the last 3 months. He has recannted his "Maybe I never loved you"'s. Well...when he is not angry. The man had multiple As. Just sex according to him and he always loved me and knew he didn't want a D and desparately worked to keep this from me. We really did have a great R. Of course we both had the annoying things that you just overlook because you are in love. Then we had kids. Things were still very good, but there were starting to be cracks. I focused too much on them, but in 2011 we really made and effort to be more focused on each other. Then, for 3 months. Yep, only 3 months starting in March 2012 until he began this last A in June, I withdrew emotionally. He had lied to me about something, and I had trouble moving past it. We still ML a minimum of 2 times a week, but I just wasn't as into it. I wasn't as affectionate. Honestly, I thought I had fallen out of love with him. I snapped out of it in August and read up on falling back in love, started working on me, etc. He let himself open up emotionally to OW...and here we are.

I could sit here and be a victim. Trust me, even he would co-sign that in his most lucid moments. My friends and family STILL are annoyed I'm not. But that won't change anything. There are things I can change, things that I don't like about myself, things I had been doing that I can now see had lead us on a course for trouble. H has even said, had he not cheated before, my behavior wouldn't have "caused" him to cheat, we wouldn't be this close to D, etc.

Stop waiting around to see if this is going to end. Stop reading up on everything. TAKE ACTION!!! THIS IS WHY YOU KEEP GETTING THE SAME ADVICE FROM EVERYONE!!

DO SOMETHING!

[Tallula]

I accidentally hit submit.

By DO SOMETHING! Stop reading and watching. Take some action on YOU! FOR YOU.

Yes, I'm yelling...

[SM34]

Ok I promise you all I will have a gal in the next few days.

One question. It appears that wife is really mad about something OM did. She called me and seemed agitated. So, she has cancelled going to see him. Nowdo I go out somewhere tonight or stay home with her?

I am leaning towards going out and Im trying to find a gal quickly on meetup but not sure if staying home tonight is more appropriate?