H got a job offer and plans are moving ahead to move him across country back to CA. This is the news we have been waiting for, to finally be able to move forward with our marriage. Then why am I hesitant and having moments of panic?
I have been struggling lately with forgiveness and pain, which is absolutely manifesting into anger that I have no idea where to put. I want to squash it and just move forward,it's not productive and keeping me from progressing through my healing. I am frustrated because I feel like some of the things I really want to get off my chest and work through with H, I can't do until we are both living here and in MC together. We have gone together a couple times when he has been home, but because of our living situation and limited time, haven't been able to really get into the dirty under the surface stuff.
Reading Denver's posts lately, I completely relate to what he has to say. I know my situation hasn't been as lengthy as some on here, but I can guarantee the pain and the emotional/physical turmoil equates. Now that things are moving forward, I feel cheated in a way. Can I admit that here? I feel like I sacrificed my dignity and my needs to get us to the place where we could love forward again. And it doesn't feel good.
I'm honestly not trying to come off as the victim here. This was a choice I made, to fight for my marriage and not walk away, I'm just feeling exhausted, like I put in all the work, working on myself, making the road home for him easier, etc. and now he's coming home. I know we haven't even hit some of the hardest stuff we have yet to deal with. We both are on board with changing our marriage. And I'm absolutely grateful for that. I know there are plant of people on here who are probably thinking, "stop being a B, suk it up and be thankful you have the opportunity because I would kill for it".
I'm just in a weird place emotionally, feeling guilty for feeling resentful and wanting more, instead of being thankful for what we've accomplished so far. Am I just being totally weird and selfish or have some of you fluctuated through these feelings too?
