I am in agreement with Jayhawk1970, as a LBS whose W walked out on me with complaints that I controlled her and our money, didn't listen to her opinions etc. It does seem funny now that while she has stated she has no love for me and wants to do her own things, she is still leaving it up to me to do the selling of our houses, changing the names on the car registrations and deal with all the money issues. Same things I did before the BD, so the reality is she doesn't know how, when or why to do these things herself. My 180 is to not do them, let her do them. She can set up times with the bank to change the mortgage, or sell the house, or get valuations. She can go to the Dept of Transport and organise what paperwork needs to be filed for name changing.
I think my H would be the same way. While he seems resentful that I control the money, he has told me that he knows it's hard and I take good care of it, and that he wouldn't want to do it. He's gotten better lately.
Right now I still take care of all the bills and his check still goes in joint account. I told him how much is in budget for gas, spending etc and he has been doing pretty well with that. I'd rather just let him have his check but I don't feel that is 'fair' since he decided to leave.
If he decides to get his own place....well, not sure how that will go down.
He's being rather short tonight, when I had to ask about a few things, oh, well...
I signed up online today for a db phone coach but haven't heard anything from anyone, besides getting an invoice in email.
My H hasn't brought up D at all and is happy to remain separated. I am good with that . For now anyway.
The one time he did bring it up, not really but close, I reminded him that I was not the one who was driving this train....he got quiet after that reminder.
My H has backed off of legal separation, mediation etc etc. I cant say whether he is coming back, but our friendship thus far has begun to rebuild trust in each other.
Love...just ignore the barbs when he gets angry, or say I agree and switch subject. Or " I can see your point" is a fave of mine when I disagree but whatever the convo is it is not worth an argument lol. Unfortunately, H knows me too well and calls me out on it, so can't hide behind it anymore.
Exactly - they drive the train - and sometimes it's the crazy train - I really will sing that song out loud
I've gotten pretty good at argument avoidance - and this is a BIG feat for me b/c I tend to be the one that needs to be right (hey - at least I realize it!)
He hasn't called me out on it yet. Actually, several times when I remain calm and don't say my typical smarta$$ comments, he will apologize, if it was an argument that he made more than it needed to be. (except for the one the other day about how I still couldn't ask in a 'nice' way - it's on my other thread - I totally deserved an apology for that crap)
Grrrr....I hate it when they take things and twist it around into our problem...
Let me have your take on this exchange:
(Now, let's think about this, if I have to let him know that I ahve soemone watching D, even if it's to pick her up early, sholdn't I know if he's staying out of town??)
H plans on going out of town for a sporting event this weekend (his 'friend' that he used to text with all the time jsut so happens to be a big fan of this sport as well)
Me: What time will you be dropping D off Saturday morning?
H: 8 or 9. Unless she wants to stay with grandparents
Me: I'd rather you just bring her home. Are you driving gas guzzler? (I inquire because he is constantly complaining about the gas his car uses)
H: Not sure yet.
Me: Are you staying all night? (don't you think this is a valid question as we do have a child and we are still married?)
H: Probably
Me: And you don't have plans as to who is driving? Do you even know who you are going with? (the other day when I asked what he was going to st louis for he quickly offered up this one guy or this other group of guys, I never had asked)
H: Nope. It's still several days away. Do you need the car?
Me. It's 2 days away.
H: Yes I do. I already told you I was going with. Would you like to send a surveillance camera along too?
Me: No you didn't, said maybe this guy or this group. Just inquiring, nothing wrong with that. You would do the same.
H: You've passed the line of just inquiring.
Me: Uh, nope. It's funny you still haven't answered.
H: And it's awful funny you won't shut up for someone just inquiring.
Me. No. Why wouldn't I ask who you were going with and if you were staying overnight?
H: Yes (guy) is going, not sure about meeting up with (group...)
H: Plus is getting on my nerves because I'm having to voice text while I'm trying to enjoy drive to sitters with D
Me: You didn't have to answer right now. You would have asked the same questions if I were going somewhere.
H: (somoething about maybe getting a hotel if they are too tired, etc)
H: No, I don't care where you're going The only reason I asked why you are going to (X)is because ou asked why I was going somewhere. You can go to Timbuktu, it's all good
Me. hahahah (oops my sarcastic side came out - obviosuly he does care after the weekend shenanigans and everything else)
H: What's so funny?
Me: I didn't ask who you were going to (x) with, you offered up (guy) or those guys. I hadn't asked.
Me: Really it's not a big deal. Why wouldn't we talk about where we are going and what we are doing? (to clarify, I meant out of town, I do not inquire about what/where/who thru the week!)
H: Are you really still trying to argue about what's this and What's that? I already told you what you asked for. It's all good.
H: I don't care enough to argue about who said what at this point in time.
Me: I'm not trying to argue about anything . Never was.
H: Well I'm sorry that your 50 questions are really annoying. It's not as tho I'm just sitting here doing nothing. You love text me wghile I'm trying to drive. I'm surprised you haven't killed me yet. Remember the drive to Chicago where you argued and yelled at me for 6 hours? Surprised I lived though that one
H: And if I wait answer you later you're going to be all saying "What's the matter, too busy to talk to me?"
I have not replied. He blew this WAY out of proportion. Did you ever see me ask anymore than who he was going with, if he was staying all night and what time he would drop D off?
Could he not just give straight up answers and be done?
He's the one that writes rants on texts putting himself in danger while he drives.
It's bee MONTHS since I made any sort of comment about him being too busy to text me etc.
Spewing. And I feel like he's doing it because he is lying about something.
Does it matter if she's going? Yes, because that means HE's lying. Don't go around accusing me of all sorts of things unfounded and then lie about something like this.
Sorry it's so long. I'm sure I could have handled this a little differently, let me know if you think I was all wrong.
I'm not going to answer anything today - I've already let him take up to much of my emitional wel being this morning.
Ok, you and I are alike in many ways. I have learned the art of texting my H. Mine would have flown off his nut about 4 texts in. here we go...
Originally Posted By: Lovemyfamily
Grrrr....I hate it when they take things and twist it around into our problem...
Let me have your take on this exchange:
(Now, let's think about this, if I have to let him know that I ahve soemone watching D, even if it's to pick her up early, sholdn't I know if he's staying out of town??)
H plans on going out of town for a sporting event this weekend (his 'friend' that he used to text with all the time jsut so happens to be a big fan of this sport as well)
Me: What time will you be dropping D off Saturday morning?
H: 8 or 9. Unless she wants to stay with grandparents
Me: I'd rather you just bring her home. Are you driving gas guzzler? (I inquire because he is constantly complaining about the gas his car uses)
H: Not sure yet.
Me: Are you staying all night? (don't you think this is a valid question as we do have a child and we are still married?)
H: Probably
I would have said. When do you think you will be home.
Originally Posted By: lovemyfamily
Me: And you don't have plans as to who is driving? Do you even know who you are going with? (the other day when I asked what he was going to st louis for he quickly offered up this one guy or this other group of guys, I never had asked)
H: Nope. It's still several days away. Do you need the car?
Me. It's 2 days away.
Why do you need to know if he is driving. As he asked, do you need the car? Are you trying to budget the trip? Why does it matter that it is 2 days away? I say this, because I use to argue a point, just because I am right. Why doesn it matter if it is 2 days away. This is where my H would have flipped his lid...
Originally Posted By: lovemyfamily
H: Yes I do. I already told you I was going with. Would you like to send a surveillance camera along too?
Me: No you didn't, said maybe this guy or this group. Just inquiring, nothing wrong with that. You would do the same.
H: You've passed the line of just inquiring.
He is right...
I get it, I do. But DON'T ask. Just the basics. When will you be home, so I can plan my weekend. If you don't actually have to know for your plans. Don't ask. It's simple...but hard!
Originally Posted By: lovemyfamily
I have not replied. He blew this WAY out of proportion. Did you ever see me ask anymore than who he was going with, if he was staying all night and what time he would drop D off?
Could he not just give straight up answers and be done?
He's the one that writes rants on texts putting himself in danger while he drives.
It's bee MONTHS since I made any sort of comment about him being too busy to text me etc.
Spewing. And I feel like he's doing it because he is lying about something.
And here we go!! BINGO! You were trying to ask something without actually asking. If you need to know, be direct. He knows what you are doing. I knew what you were doing. Even if he says the guys, you won't believe him. I know, because I was doing this early in my sitch.
Like I said, really think about each interaction. I keep my questions direct. If I want to know something, I ask it. But I also think about what I really need to know.
This stuff is hard. emotions are everywhere. I need to go back and read up on your sitch more.
HUGS!!!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
I have not replied. He blew this WAY out of proportion.
Did he? I was getting annoyed at you just reading that as an innocent bystander!! What is up with all the confrontational and passive/ aggressive comments? YOU did as much to spoil this convo as he did! The two of you have truly mastered the art of pushing each others' buttons. And both of you emerge with the thought that you did everything right while the other blew things "way out of proportion". Has this been a pattern in your marriage? I bet it has. But here's the deal- YOU are on these forums so YOU have to be the one to break the pattern. YOU need to recognize the harm you are causing to your R with H in these crazy exchanges and YOU need to change the dynamic.
Quote:
I'm not going to answer anything today - I've already let him take up to much of my emitional wel being this morning.
No, you did that yourself. He has no control over your emotions unless you allow it. Read this post by Peanut on detachment:
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.
We cannot control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
I agree with AS, seemed a bit confrontational from both sides.
And this is BRILLIANT....
Quote:
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.
We cannot control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
M:39, W:35 T:12, M:3 (4y 2013.02.18) D:9 S:5 2 Dogs W says she wants D : 2013.01.18
You guys are all right - in retrospect I was digging - because I feel lied to. Not that it makes it any better.
Our dynamics have been like that for a LONG time. And we absolutely push each others buttons.
I'm trying, really I am. This girl in particular brings out the really bad side of me. She used to be my 'friend' too until she couldn't understand boundaries, but that is another story.
I will do better.
Thank you AS for the list on detaching - I need to write that in my little book I carry around.
. For now anyway.