Sorry if u think I was rude. Just trying to pointt out that you are not a victim. And when I read your post I saw control all over the place. After 3 years I thought you could handle it.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Sorry that things are not well in your sitch. You've been on this for a while now. I'm afraid she is going through with this and you have to prepare yourself. Like mr B said, what have you been doing last 3 yrs?
So looks like you have six months, stop the begging, pleading etc. Talk to a lawyer and protect yourself, I noticed you are in Michigan...call Michigan bar association for referrals start talking to lawyers. Get your ducks in a row.
Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
I reread your post and also saw, it's all about her, what she said and did and how you tried to stop her from what she wants to do, or at least delay it so that you can then find a way to stop her.
So I agree with Rick, the second message from him. How do you think behaving like a victim is going to get you a better marriage with your wife? You've put all your eggs in one basket and handed that basket to your wife and you're terrified.
You were here before, and had years in between. Why are you so afraid of divorce? Trying to fix your relationship, out of fear, is not going to work. You have to lose your fear and be OK either way, or it's done.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Yeah, thanks, I feel pretty pathetic. If you read my original post you will see how it all began. Problems just got worse from there. If she had gotten help back then things would be different now. She told me today that she still wants a divorce but is willing to go to counseling. She also agreed to spending some time together and talking a little more. I have to see if she lives up to those things. She agreed to postpone the divorce for six months at my request. I think she agreed to that only out of guilt. But I have to make this time count. Really working hard to apply DB principles.
Me-47 WAW-42 D-16 S-14 M-22 yrs T-19 yrs ILYBNILWY-3 years ago. Full Story and original posts: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...066#Post1781066
Wol I read them. Stop Persuing W and asking her to do stuff. It's great that she is willing to try counseling. If u haven't scheduled an appointment yet try to find someone who does EMDR. It is very effective with trauma victims. Having a child with an illness is though on a R. Especially autism. My advice is to focus on you.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
What is EMDR? I have gotten a lot better at not pursuing, but if she is willing to do things together isn't this good? I figured that time together will help improve the relationship. Is my thinking off? Also, should I ask her to read the book?
Me-47 WAW-42 D-16 S-14 M-22 yrs T-19 yrs ILYBNILWY-3 years ago. Full Story and original posts: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...066#Post1781066
No, do not ask her to read the book. What is clear in your newer posts, and I don't know if it was in your original issues, is that you're really focused on her and what she has to do and the help she didn't get that would have changed everything. You only have power over you. You have to learn to handle your reality, to work on anything you need to work on, and to not try at all to fix her or get her to do anything. You'd be better off letting her think you're ready to let her go, but in my opinion it's bad to do that until you really mentally are OK with it either way. Otherwise it's a tactic to manipulate the outcome. You've got to live through this and be OK.
Positive time together, that she initiates, and that you meet on the level she seems to be at, and that you end first by having something else to do next, sounds like a good thing for you. Don't initiate it and don't push for more closeness than she's bringing, and don't expect anything from it.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Wolverine, sorry to hear things aren't going well. Since it's been a while since you actively DB'd, please read DR and then read it again and again. Also copy/ print/ tattoo Sandi's 180 DB tips (sticky at top of forum) and LIVE them. Stop the begging/ pleading/ negotiating ASAP!!! Stop pressuring your W! Do not EVER initiate relationship talks!! If she wants to bring it up then fine, but don't bring it up yourself. Act "as if" everything is fine. Give her time and space. Do 180's on ALL your faults in the M, and do them with consistency. It's good that she's giving you 6 months, but understand that it's going to take every last bit of that 6 months for you to make a positive impression on her. She clearly does not want to be married to the current you, so you've got to remake yourself. Become more strong and independent and less needy.
Regarding the book, no, Michele even says at the beginning of DR that the WAS should NOT read the book and should not even know that you are reading it. Like these forums, the book is for you and you alone.
I am in a common situation. If all goes accordingly, I will be a divorced mother of four.
I didn't choose this life, but you know what? It is out of my control. I am choosing to let STBX go and I have forgiven him. It is freeing.
What held me back? Fear. I am letting go of the fear and you know what? It's going to be okay. You will learn to appreciate little things in life. God will put the most interesting people in your life. He let's you know everything is going to be okay, regardless of the outcome.
Hang in there. It [censored]!!
Ms Toad
Me: 49 H: 48 Daughters: 22,20,17 & 15 Moved out: 1/12 H filed for divorce: 9/12 OW discovery: 9/12 Finances settled: 2/13 Divorce final: 4/13
