I think its useful to note that I wasn't a WAH, having an affair was never about leaving my marriage. I was in a SSM and my infidelity was about that. So when it came time to set these boundaries I was very open to them.
So the things I did above were all about setting reasonable boundaries. As we began to piece our road forward together we agreed to boundaries. They weren't about punishment. The were the guidelines we agreed to in order to establish the rules for moving forward. Think of them as the rails on the side of the road. They establish the outside boundaries. If we bump into them then we know we are going off the road of the R.
So the fundamental issue we faced was rebuilding my Wife's trust in me, so we established boundaries that would give her confidence that I wasn't still connected to the OW.
1) Details of how I communicate with the OW. That way she could monitor them if she chose.
2)"The letter" That way she could see that I had said to the OW what I was saying to her. a)its over b)no more communication ever.
3) The face to face meeting- It's probably not for everyone, but both my Wife and the OW wanted to have it as part of the closure. From my retrospective it was important (at the time the idea of my "real world" and my "fantasy world" colliding freaked me out) but in retrospect having them see each other as human beings, being civil with one another, and closing completely deflated the secret magic of the affair.
4) Open access. Unless you had some past issues with you being controlling this is a MUST DO. It [censored]. My first reaction to his response is that he thinks he can just find another secret means of communication. That is completely outside of the boundaries
5)Counselling-Obvious
6) later communication-No this was many months after the affair ended. Wife said "Hey, I know you must carry some left over feelings toward former OW, you can send her a message to get closure on those feelings. I just needed to see it"
It was very powerful. I showed ultimate compassion and mercy on my Wife's part.
But it also disarmed any fantasies of future communication. Basically, I'd already said goodbye, there was nothing left to close out or say that couldn't be construed as repaving the road to a future relationship that simply couldn't happen. Moreover, if I sent a message in the future without Wife's knowledge there was no excuse.
